Ask An Infantryman - How to Solve the Oil Spill Crisis (and Kick Ass)

Posted By Blackfive

'Sup, Stallions...  Blackfive here, filling in for your columnist Uber Pig.  Got an email today and the CIB team might have some sage advice for this guy.

Dear Uncle F###stick

Where do you ####ing get off thinking you can criticize the POTUS during this economic and environmental disaster?  How would YOU stop the spill?

### you!

Rahm*

Okay, Infantrymen, based on your vast problem solving abilities, how would you solve this oil spill crisis?

* I changed the sender's name.

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Ask an Infantryman Boston Maggie

Posted By Blackfive

Infantrymen-

Over at Tankerbabe's there is a strategic question that needs your swift and intelligent counsel in answering.  Mags is going to have a wicked pissa of an answer.

~Blackfive

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Ask an Infantryman

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen, your counsel is requested:

SOLDIER IN IRAQ LOOKS FORWARD TO PEACE AND QUIET AT HOME

DEAR ABBY: I am a female member of the military, stationed for the past nine months in Iraq. I recently received a letter from a friend who is having problems in her marriage. She has asked to move in with me when I return to the states in about three months. She says it's only until she gets back on her feet.

There's no way I can let that happen. She has too much drama in her life, and I have grown accustomed to living by myself. When I get home, all I want is peace and quiet. How can I tell her that I don't want a roommate without hurting her feelings? -- PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Your advice in the comments below, please.

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Ask an Infantryman: "Depressed Jody"

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen,

Things are very busy in Uber Pig land.  Otherwise known as Berkeley.  So it's hard for me to find good questions worthy of your time and consideration.  But I think I've found a gem, via Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: I was "The Other Man" for 30 years. I was a teenager and still in high school when I met "Sue." She was in her 20s, gorgeous, and I was earning money mowing lawns. I was a virgin. It started with me rubbing suntan lotion on her back. Her husband was in the military.

One day she told me she was lonely because her husband was gone so much and their 5-year-old was in kindergarten. She asked me to be her "special friend." After high school she paid for me to go to trade school. For 29 years I followed her wherever the military sent her husband. I even had a vasectomy so I wouldn't get her pregnant. I lived my life for her.

Her husband has now retired from the military. She has time for me now maybe once a month. What we had is fading more each week. She is my first and only love, and I'll never find anyone to love as I have loved her, or father children of my own. Is my life worth living? -- DEPRESSED OUT WEST

Your advice in the comments below, please.  Also, please email me with questions you'd like to have answered by the Blackfive community at enlistedswine at gmail dot com -- and also if you're on the Left Coast go ahead and let me know if you haven't already done so, so I can continue compiling our Blackfive Left Coast Beer Fest mailing list.  And then, you know, plan some good times, or at least help put you in touch with each other to set up your own good times.

-- Uber Pig

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Ask an Infantryman: 16-year-old boy in the Middle

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen,

Something about this question, culled from the Interwebs, struck a chord in me. I know a kid like this, and I know what advice I already gave him. But I'd be curious to see if what you have to say tallies up.

DEAR FALSCHIRMJAEGER: I'm a 16-year-old guy who has hit a road bump in life. My parents divorced when I was 12 and are still fighting. I get involved in their fights because I feel I have to, but it stresses me out. I live full-time with Mom because Dad and I fight too much. Mom and I are also at odds nonstop. She has had several different boyfriends since the divorce. Three of them have moved into our house.

Mom and I have different opinions about her present boyfriend, who she calls her "fiance." He's the biggest reason we fight. Mom has told me her kids come first and if I really don't like him she'll ask him to leave, but I don't want her to do it if she's truly happy with him.

What should I do? Mom deserves to be happy, but I don't think this man is best for her. Please help. -- COLORADO TEEN

As always, your advice in the comments below please. -- Uber Pig

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Ask an Infantryman: What to Send my Brother in Ranger School?

Posted By Uber Pig Infantrymen, Your counsel is requested:

Dear Infantryman,

My brother is about to graduate Captain's school and will be entering Ranger School later this month. During his deployment to Iraq, I enjoyed sending boxes of food and candy and letters of encouragement. I would like to send care packages to him this summer, but I don't want to make him a target for more than the usual amount of attention -- should I stick to short notes in plain white envelopes? if I do send a care package, what should go in it?

Thanks!

an Army Sis

Your advice in the comments below, please. If you can answer the question about Ranger School specific care packages, great. If you can't, be sure to make it clear to the reader that you don't know about Ranger School but that you've found x or y to be a successful gambit.

Yours,

-- Uber Pig

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Ask an Infantryman: What Needs Fixing?

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen,

This week's question is perhaps the most useful one so far, and while I enjoy stupid infantryman humor more than any 14 of you readers combined, I must confess that this question, recently submitted, is making me feel a little bit warm inside. Here you go:

What Needs Fixing?

Dear The_Bleachman: I am a Mechanical Engineering student at the University of Cincinnati and as part of our program we are required to design/build some project as a proof of our skills before we may graduate. Rather than make some useless toy that would amuse me, I'd like to design something that would solve a problem you Soldiers may be dealing with right now. In other words, I want to contribute something useful and needed. However, I'm not in the thick of things as you all are/have been and consequently I am not familiar with all the various annoyances you all have to deal with. What I'd like to get from you is a list of problems that need fixing, big or small, and I'll try my best to solve at least one of them. Don't worry about the difficulty level of the problem or what skills would be needed to solve it, I've got the time to research and acquire the requisite abilities before I'll be graduating.

Thank you all for your service, and I look forward to your responses!

I, too, look forward to your responses. And no, you can't request a hybrid humvee. They already built one of those.

Namaste,

--Uber Pig

PS: Looks like we have about 10 folks who can come to a Left Coast Blackfive Bierfest. I'll be putting an email out on a list soon to you all who have written in, but if you're anywhere near the SF Bay Area send me an email at enlistedswine at the G. as in, the gmail.com.

Update: Have had lots of interest in the Left Coast BierFest. Also some questions about whether or not I started this whole "swine flu" thing. And while I've known some real sows in my day, none of them have been to Mexico City in years.

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Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen, your counsel is requested:

VET WORRIES SON'S PROTEST MAY PROVOKE SERIOUS THREAT

DEAR ABBY: I am an armed forces veteran who spent a tour of duty in Iraq in 2004. My wife and I separated three years ago, and she and our four children now reside in another state. Neither of us has "moved on," and we may reconcile later in life. I am writing about my oldest son, "Jon," who is 18 and not yet out of high school due to poor grades. He and I do not have a good relationship and have very different views regarding life and politics. Jon was, and still is, bitter over his mother and me separating.

When I returned from Iraq on mid-tour leave, I gave him the uniform jacket I wore in combat with all the rank, flags, name tags, etc., on it as a gift. I know from my own youth that I would have been proud to have had something from my uncles or father that they wore during the war. Jon started wearing it as soon as I gave it to him, and I was proud of him to do so.

I have not seen him much since my return to the United States from the war. However, I did see him a little over a month ago and noticed that he's still wearing the jacket. My wife says he wears it often. He has written an anarchy symbol in permanent marker on the American flag on the right sleeve under my combat patch. I am angry and disappointed, but I didn't make waves. I am not sure how to handle this, and I'm afraid that a returning soldier may take one look and vent his problems from combat tour of duty on my son. -- AMERICAN VET IN ALABAMA

Your advice in the comments below, please. -- Uber Pig

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Ask an Infantryman - Too Disturbing to Describe

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen,

I just don't know what to say:

WOMAN'S LIE ENDS HER AFFAIR, AND MAY SAVE HER MARRIAGE

DEAR ABBY: I am trying hard to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I have three young children. Four months ago, I met a man (I'll call him "Jack") who made me feel like I haven't felt in a long time. We have not slept together. We tried several times to stop seeing each other, but unfortunately, my attraction to him was too strong. This week my husband and I separated. I saw Jack this morning. Before things went too far I told him that I had herpes. Abby, he practically had a heart attack -- and ended it on the spot!

The thing is, what I said wasn't true. I just could not think of another way to make him stop being available so I could concentrate on my marriage. I feel like such a coward, and I am heartbroken. Not only do I miss Jack terribly, I also can't bear the thought that someone who made me feel so happy would just turn his back on me.

Would there be any point in telling him that I lied, or did I do the right -- albeit cowardly -- thing? -- WAVERING IN THE SOUTH

Your advice in the comments below, please.

Namaste,

Uber Pig

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Ask an Infantryman: Are all con-men this stupid?

Posted By Uber Pig

Infantrymen,

Again, one of our number solicits your advice:

Dear AAI,

So, my parents called me the other morning on her way out of town to tell me of an unusual meeting she just had. A supposed soldier was walking down the road, gas tank in hand, looking for a ride. He was in full DCU's (Desert Uniform, circa 2004) with what my mom described as a "maroon beret." Being the patriotic Americans my parents are, they picked him up without a second thought. During the 15-20min ride, he described that he was from Boston (we're in TN), how he had just come home from Iraq, had went to see his girlfriend and get his car, only to find out she was 7mo pregnant from another guy. He was trying to get home to Boston, and his flight was going to be paid for, but he had to pay the "$63 Homeland Security Tax." Instantly, the red flags started to go off, and my parents dropped him off in the middle of town, where he continued to walk with his gas can and DCUs.

Red Flag: He was 45mi from the airport, the location of his supposed girlfriend was another 50 from the location he was currently at. Homeland Security Tax? Even if there is such a thing, how could that not be paid for when the plane ticket was? This upset my mother greatly, because she felt like she was taken advantage of by someone representing a group that she loves to death. Being a former NCO, I was naturally pissed and wanted blood, so went looking for the guy unsuccessfully.

So, my question is, what does one do with someone who impersonates a soldier for their own gain? What does one do with someone who impersonates a soldier for a possible violent act? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Pissed in TN

Your advice in the comments below, please.

Namaste,

Uber Pig

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