Kicki Ass!

Today, the paperback edition of The Blonde (along with bonus novella "Redhead") hits finer bookstores everywhere. Secret Dead Blog highly recommends picking up at least three copies of this title: one for you, one for a friend, and one for pets and shut-ins.

Some of you, however, will only have to buy two copies. That's right... we have some contest winners!

The Secret Dead Blog Gaming Commission & Public Relations Board met for hours last night, and after much fevered debate (and broken cigars and spilled beers and even a sloppy, half-hearted fistfight) decided upon these winning entries for "Best Fake Redhead Blurb":

"Never has a book about the life and times of Ron Howard been so unabashedly sexual." —Shewan

"Not your usual bag of Polish pulp. Kicki the balls and ass! Get some." —Colman

(Honorable Mentions: David Terrenoire's "Shower With Your Wif'e's Friend" blurb; Mike MacLean's Tipper Gore/Hairy Man Ass blurb; Terrill Lankford's "blow" blurb; Felix Cruz's alternate universe blurb; Daniel Hatadi's duck blurb; Rickards' "Modern Hairstyling" blurb. You are all sick people. Oh, and special thanks to Tiffany, who wrote a blurb I really wish I could use.)

Big congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who wasted a few brain cells coming up with an entry. Winners: please shoot a mailing address to duane.swier AT verizon.net so Swierczy can get signin' and mailin'. We don't want him just sitting around here, drinking Red Bull and talking about RoboCop all damn day.

Secret Dead Blog Contest: Blurb Me!

Yesterday a big box of Blonde trade paperbacks arrived (out in stores next Tuesday!) and as is custom here at Secret Dead Blog, I want to give a few of them away. Remember: this isn't your grandmother's paperback reprint. This edition contains a brand-new, never-before-seen, 13,000 word novella called "Redhead," which is a direct sequel to the crazy shit that happens in The Blonde.

But since it's brand-new, and never-before-seen... and almost nobody reviews paperback reprints... or weird-ass stories the author stuck in the back... I won't have any snazzy "Redhead" blurbs from the trades.

Which is where you come in.

The rules of this contest? Simple. Write a fake blurb for "Redhead" and post it in the comments section below. Yes, sight-unseen. (Unless you've somehow scored an early copy.) The blurb can be positive, negative, funny, dark, or just plain bizarre. It can play around with the fact that you haven't read a single word of "Redhead." In fact, it probably should. The contest will run until this Friday at noon (EST); the coolest, funniest blurbs will win free signed copies of the new edition of The Blonde.

Easy, right? May the best fake-blurbist win.

Silence! Bill Crider Speaks!

Bill Crider (not shown at left, though I often confuse him with Galactus, Devourer of Worlds) and his lovely wife Judy have chosen the winners of the "Tell a Bill Crider Tall Tale" contest. I'll let the Man Himself deliver the news in his own words. Congrats to all three winners. Just send me your mailing address (duane.swier at verizon.net) and you'll have authentic Criderabilia shipped to your home immediately. And if you lost... well, you can console yourself with the thought that, in your own, terribly small way, you've added to the Legend that is Bill Crider.

All the entries were so good that I couldn't decide. The embarrassing thing is that they were all better than I could have written. So I printed them out, cut them into individual strips, but those in a sack, and had Judy draw out the winners. I've stuck them down below.

Thanks for doing this and for helping me to become the most famous blogger in the universe.

Bill

The winners:

Laura said...
Bill Crider is so terrifying polite that, should you make the mistake of telling him the joke about Mexia and the Dairy Queen, he will not rise up and smite you with a single blow. But he could.

Scott Cupp said...
Vintage paperbacks don't kill people. Bill Crider kills people who buy them before he gets a chance to. Don't tell. Judy

Jim Winter said. . .
There has not been an act of terrorism in the United States since Bill Crider started his blog. When terrorists hide in caves, Bill Crider wins.