Out Today: Iron Fist 3099

Rail vodka? Check. Cigs? Check. Lottery tickets? Check. Cardboard money envelopes for bratty nieces and nephews? Check. Immortal Iron Fist #21: Wah-Sing Rand and the Mandate of Heaven? What? You mean you haven't picked up this year's must-have Christmas Eve stocking stuffer? What's wrong with you, man? Have you no holiday spirit? Do you have a lump of dead tissue where your heart should be? Get to your local comic shop and take care of this immediately. (Yes, they're open today. Perfect for last-minute gifts!)

Probable Claus

If only there was a Punisher who, instead of waging a one-man war against the mob, waged a one-man war against drunk idiots who dress up like Santa Claus and chant "Ho Ho Ho" as they roam the streets of New York Fucking City. Because that would be cool to watch.

You're a Mean One

The Philadelphia Daily News today reports on the arrest of a man who broke into a family's home on Christmas and stole... well, you can probably guess:

[Christopher] Smith entered a home on Rhawn Street near Verree Road through a locked back door by using a pry tool and stole presents right from under the family's Christmas tree, police said. "It was a unique job in and of itself because, number one, it occurred on that day," said Major Crimes Capt. John Gallagher.

Nice, eh? Hope they roast his chestnuts over an open fire, if you know what I mean. But the most interesting detail comes later:

Smith's accused lookout, Robert Stanley, 44, of Croydon, Bucks County, who police say weighs more than 500 pounds, is in custody in Bucks County on an unrelated charge, and police are in the process of obtaining an arrest warrant for the Christmas Day incident for which Smith was charged.

So let me get this straight. The Christmas Bandit has a fat dude—whose belly almost certainly shakes like a bowl full of jelly—as his lookout man? I mean, c'mon. Was he also wearing a red shirt with puffy white fringe? Did he say to his pal, "Yo, Chris, make sure you grab some cookies and milk in there—I'm starvin', man"?

The Fat Lookout is soooo begging to show up in a story. I may even write an entire novel about him.

The Holidays Can Be Punishing

This Christmas, the Bride and my children gave me a 12-inch poseable Punisher action figure. Mr. Castle comes with his own machine rifle, pistol and knife. He's perched on my writing desk right now, staring at me, goading me toward my next deadline. This is perhaps the coolest gift ever.