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End of the road

November 23rd, 2010

Everything comes to an end, eventually, and this is the end for SpoonFighter. Like 99.999% of other blogs, it began as a half-assed attempt at internet-enabled immortality. And although it never delivered immortality, I’m proud to say that it always managed to be at least half-assed.

During 2010, I decided to see what would happen if I put in more than a half-assed effort. Perhaps not 100%, but at least, say, 75%-assed. And what was the result? Not much.

Still, it seems wrong to just sign off forever and not leave anything for my hypothetical/imaginary readers. So here are a few things that I learned from SpoonFighter:

1) It’s hard to be funny on a regular basis.

2) Being funny without being a jerk is almost impossible.

3) I don’t have enough real opinions to do political commentary.

Wow. Such insight!

Writing a final SpoonFighter post feels a bit like farting in an airport bathroom*, but to all (6) of you who have read anything I’ve ever written here, thank you.

-SF

* I have no idea what that means

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The voters and TARP: another reason to be cynical

October 14th, 2010

I’m a cynic. I don’t have a lot of faith in humankind, and it’s noticeable to people who spend a sufficient amount of time with me.* People often say things to me like, “Damn you’re cynical!” and “You are also a complete jackass.”

Cynicism is a very easy hobby, especially when it comes to politics. Now, I love Democracy. It has many advantages over, say, a totalitarian dictatorship, unless you happen to be the little crazy dude with the big glasses and weird hair who inexplicably has all the power. But even so, I’m not too impressed with most of Democracy’s participants. I’m not talking about the politicians. I’m talking about the voting public.

A lot of them can’t even be bothered to vote, and of those who do, most would rather believe the politicians, pundits, and campaign ads, than research the issues themselves. As my high school history teacher put it, in her wise, thoughtful way, “The masses are asses.”

Naturally, as an elitist jerk, I do not include myself in this criticism. Or you, because you are reading my blog.

Consider TARP. TARP is very unpopular with voters, and Republicans are attacking Democrats for voting for a massive bailout of Wall Street that didn’t make the economy better. And they’re not interested in information to the contrary, according to this Bloomberg story, “TARP a `Four-Letter-Word’ for Voters Even as Cost Drops.

Most people seem to believe that TARP is an example of Obama’s free-spending, socialist ways. But, if they’d been paying attention in 2008,** they’d remember it was passed with bipartisan support and was signed into law by President Bush.

They also believe it cost 700 billion dollars. Only half of that figure was spent, and of that, most has been repaid with interest. The current “cost” of the program is about $50 billion dollars, and that’s likely to shrink as repayment continues. They’d know that if they read the news, much.

People also seem to think that TARP was just a bailout for big Wall Street banks, and that we should have let those banks fail. But where do these people keep their money? Under a mattress? In a cookie jar? Inside the big freezer in the basement, with grandpa’s frozen corpse? Call me a freak — I keep my money in a bank!

Now, I’m no economist, but I know that banks are all inter-connected by debt. If a handful of the largest banks had gone under, it could have triggered a collapse of the banking industry. What kind of economic crisis would we have had if individuals and businesses across the country suddenly found that their banks, and their accounts, had disappeared?

The government insures those accounts, of course. But as distasteful as loaning money to big banks might be, replenishing the bank accounts of millions of Americans would have been a lot more expensive. And insurance only covers the first $250,000. A lot of wealth would have simply disappeared.

It’s true that TARP has partially failed at its other goal, to get banks to start lending money freely, again. But there are a lot of reasons for that. To me, TARP is a rare, Washington success story: bi-partisan legislation that appears to have accomplished most of its goals and cost relatively little.

Fortunately for my cynicism, it appears most voters don’t know, and don’t want to know.

* Sufficient = 90 seconds.
** Just kidding. I used Google.

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America almost American, again!

September 23rd, 2010

Cheer up, America! The GOP is poised to regain control of the House of Representatives, and that means you’re about to get your country back from the people who STOLE IT in 2008!

Who stole it, you ask? The Liberal Elites, of course! And also the Muslims. And the Gays. And immigrants. And moderates, union members, poor people, people with graduate degrees, people who listen to NPR, and people who don’t think soccer is boring. You know, people who hate this country and want it to die.

But you’ll only get your country back IF you go out and vote, for whichever Republican successfully pandered to the Tea Party, in November.

This election is the most important election in our great nation’s entire history (or future), because it’s the election in which the American people finally rise up and say, “No, President Obama, if that’s even your real name, we don’t want you to destroy America with your Islamo-Marxist-Kenyan ideas like health care reform and economic stimulus, even though we voted for you when you were promising to do those things!!! We want leaders like Christine O’Donnell, who don’t pay their taxes and don’t masturbate.”

And because this election is the most important one ever for all time, the Republican Party has just published its Pledge to America, a 21-page document containing all the campaign promises Republicans always make, but THIS TIME IN WRITING!!!! *

So get out there and vote! Tell Washington to stop destroying this country and our freedom, and get back to doing its job: destroying other countries and their freedom!

* Plans are already being made to display this document in the National Archives, next to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, so that future generations of home-and-private-school children will always be able to gape in awe at the words that saved America! Yay!

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Dear Fellow Member of the Great Liberal Conspiracy

September 14th, 2010

Just wanted to take this opportunity to remind everyone that if we allow the Republicans to regain control of the House in November, it will be nearly impossible for us to finish destroying everything good about America and enslaving her people in a third-world, socialist hell-hole like Germany or France.

We may have made a little progress with health care reform, but I don’t need to remind anyone that if we give them the chance, Republicans will almost certainly block the next phase of our anti-American agenda. How will we impose a 120% tax rate on anyone making more than $10.95 per hour? How will we replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the United Nations Anthem? How will we replace country music with Euro-pop, or French rap?

The United States is still a decent place to live, so we can’t afford to “take a breather” or “sit this one out.” Don’t forget that our ultimate goal is for every American to spend their 50-year lifespan building solar panels in state-controlled factories, or growing marijuana on communal, re-education farms, just like in Europe. We have a long way to go!

P.S., Please remember to send in your vote for whether we should ban religion altogether, or impose Islamic Sharia law!

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My favorite election clichés

September 7th, 2010

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I love election season. Political candidates are so predictable, saying largely the same stupid things every single time, regardless of party affiliation. Here are my faves, with translations:

Cliche #1: I am going to fix Washington and solve our country’s problems.

Translation: I’m going to be a tiny part of a legislative body that is and always has been made up entirely of people who promised to fix Washington and solve our country’s problems. But if I can stay in office long enough, I’ll get a nice pension.

Cliche #2: My opponent is a sell-out to special interests, and possibly the devil. Also he’s dumb.

Translation: I’d find a way to smear Mother Theresa if she were (a) alive and (b) running against me.

Cliche #3: I will fight wasteful spending.

Translation: I will use my vote to insure that federal funds are spent on local projects in my district, named after me, so that I can get re-elected.

Cliche #4: I’m going to do A, B, C, D, E, F.

Translation: I’ll accomplish A by compromising on B. I never really believed in C. I’ll change my stance on D to win re-election. When I leave office I’ll join a lobbying firm actively working against E and F. Also, A will eventually be ruled unconstitutional.

How could I forget this one … (12:10 pm update)

Cliche #5: I want to end partisan politics and work together with my colleagues from the other side.

Translation: Bipartisanship means the other party votes for my party’s bills. We wouldn’t vote for their legislation even if it ended poverty and cured cancer while paying off the national debt.

Have any favorites of your own?

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The economy will have to stimulate itself after November

September 2nd, 2010

Things don’t look too good for the Democrats, do they? A new poll gives the Republicans a strong lead going into the mid-term elections, and while anything can happen between now and then, conventional wisdom says that the GOP will probably regain control of the House.

I’d bet my left kidney that virtually every challenger (and most incumbents, too) has promised to “fix Washington,” and stop America’s slide into socialism, poverty, utter destruction, or wherever it is we’re supposedly heading, using the awesome power for change that comes with being 1/535th of the Congress. But then, ridiculous promises are as sacred to American government as the Constitution. The candidates for the first US Congress in 1789 probably promised to fix Washington, too, in spite of the fact that they were meeting in New York at the time.

So, while the party faithful will vote for their party’s candidate so long as he/she can say say his/her own name, the rest of us will vote for whoever we didn’t vote for last time, even though they’re promising basically the same damn things. Given the fact that the government is largely deadlocked now, under one-party-rule, it seems safe to say that when the Republicans regain control of the House, we’ll have the Congressional equivalent of Los Angeles traffic. Yay Democracy!

For the economy, this is bad news. Many economists believe that government stimulus efforts were actually helping, and probably kept the economy from self-destructing like Mel Gibson at a traffic stop. Regardless of whether you agree with those measures, we’re not likely to get any more. Nor are we likely to get any deficit reduction. The next election is going to give us no choice but to wait for the economy to stimulate itself … er .. I mean, wait for consumers to return to the reckless spending that drives our economy.

That is, of course, unless Obama goes back to doing that thing called “leading”, and having those things called “ideas”, again. This is precisely when we need an Oval Office address on nationwide television that begins, “My fellow Americans ….”

Come on, Mr. President! You’re a smart person, surrounded by smart people. Tell us your plan. Make us believe it can work. Sell us some hope, man! Congress will give us what we want, if you make us want it bad enough. You’re going to have to do something, or you’re not going to get re-elected, especially now that Glenn Beck has ruled out running with Sarah Palin in 2012,* and the Tea Partiers will have to unite with the rest of the Republican party to nominate someone who isn’t an intellectual train wreck.

But, maybe I’m wrong. What do you think?

* Sigh. That would have been the most awesome election ever. Unless they won.

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Christianity does not equal Conservatism

August 31st, 2010

I had a high school history teacher who, while teaching us about the Bill of Rights, said, “State religion is good for the state, but bad for the religion.” Her point was that religion can give a lot of power to the state, to a government, to political leaders, or in fact, to any leader seeking to motivate the masses. But in the process, the religion is always corrupted.

Unfortunately, I believe that’s what’s happened to Christianity. Over the weekend, between 87,000 and 500,000 people rallied in front of the Lincoln Memorial to hear Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin claim that America is ready to return to its traditional conservative and Christian values. “Something that is beyond man is happening,” he said. “America today begins to turn back to God. For too long, this country has wandered in darkness.”

Beck claimed that the rally has “nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with God, turning our faith back to the values and principles that made us great.” But that, of course, is ridiculous. In the months leading up to this rally, Beck has been hard at work, on TV and on his website, making the claim that his conservative political ideology is inherent to the principles on which our country was founded, and that both are derived from the Bible and our founders’ Christian faith. In other words, it’s a package deal.

This isn’t new, it’s just the culmination of a merger between conservative politics and Christianity that has been under way since the abortion issue gave them common cause. The problem isn’t that religion has influenced politics. It’s the other way ‘round. For many Christians on the Right, believing in Jesus now means believing in small government, low taxes, free trade, free markets, gun rights, and military might; it means being against social programs, social justice, and anything that could be misrepresented as socialism; it means being a my-country-right-or-wrong patriot.

The problem is, this kind of Christianity doesn’t have much to do with the Bible, or Christ.

It’s possible to base traditional family values on Old Testament principles, as long as you read selectively and ignore the parts about stoning. But the Old Testament is no help to conservatism on the economic front: Loaning money to those in need was required, and every seven years, un-repaid debts were forgiven. Charging interest for loans was forbidden. The only lawful real estate transaction was a lease, as every 50 years, all land reverted to the families that first owned it (see Exodus 22, Leviticus 25, and Deuteronomy 15 and 23). Not exactly a market economy.

The New Testament is even less helpful to the cause. Jesus lived at a time when the Jewish nation was under the oppression of Rome, arguably a greater tyranny than the tea taxes of King George, or the health care reform of Barack Obama. Yet Jesus refused to be drawn into the politics of his day. Instead he preached the arrival of a new, other-worldly kingdom marked by mercy and generosity: “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on the earth.” “Give to everyone who asks you.” “Sell your possessions and give to the poor.” (see Matthew 6, Luke 6, and Luke 12)

My point isn’t about the merits of conservatism vs. liberalism, or small government vs. social programs. My point is that if the conservatives who claim to be Christians were really following Christ, they would spend a little less time fighting liberalism, worrying about gay marriage, and going to Glenn Beck rallies, and a lot more time finding ways to help the less fortunate. And then maybe we wouldn’t need the social programs they hate so much.

What do you think?

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Ground Zero Mosque alternative: Freedom Center!

August 25th, 2010

As everyone is aware, true American patriots everywhere are protesting the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in NYC. Not only is it insensitive for American Muslims to try to exercise their freedom of religion, but everyone knows it’s just a cover for a giant mind-control device that will turn us all into suicide bombers.

But it’s not enough to protest. We must demand that the government seize this private property and build the Freedom Center, a monument that will show the world what America is all about!
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As the image shows, the outside of Freedom Center will be mighty symbol of freedom, because it has an eagle, many flags, and Ronald Reagan!

Inside, there will be such attractions as:

  • Ronald Reagan mouth and welcome center
  • Sarah Palin reading room, featuring the complete and unabridged collection of her tweets
  • Freedom Experience, an inspiring 90-minute video of American flags waving in the wind
  • Gift Shop, where visitors can enjoy the freedom to buy stuff with the word “Freedom” on it
  • Interfaith Chapel, where visitors of different religious beliefs* can pray together
  • Call your Congressman today and demand that the government build this mighty monument to FREEDOM!

    * Such as Southern Baptist, Assemblies of God, or Non-Denominational

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    Who should the US invade next?

    August 20th, 2010

    iraqThe last US combat brigade leaves Iraq today (link), which raises a very important question: where should we invade protect our freedom next?

    Here are some possible candidates:

    Canada
    1) They have oil.
    2) They sponsor terror (Justin Bieber).

    Europe
    1) We have a moral duty to free the people of Europe from the socialist tyranny of universal health care!
    2) Should be pretty easy to set up democracy there.

    Mexico
    1) Should be pretty easy, because most of the population is out of the country at the moment.
    2) Can finally destroy Telemundo.

    India
    Free trade was an AMERICAN IDEA! How dare they use it against us! Give us back our call-center jobs!

    Iran
    Their leaders hate us, but their people still like us. Are we going to stand for that?

    China
    If, as the Right says, we are at war with Islam, which is 23% of the global population, why don’t we invade China and make it 43%? That would be a big step in our goal of being at war with everyone who isn’t a patriotic American!

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    10 ways the Ground Zero Mosque will destroy America!

    August 17th, 2010

    It’s completely obvious to any true Patriot that we must suspend the Constitution and stop the evil Muslins from building their mosque / jihad-planning-center near Ground Zero. But for those of you who aren’t convinced and therefore hate your country, here’s what WILL happen if they are allowed to build:

    1. As soon as the Ground Zero Mosque is complete, mosques from all over the country will rip out of the ground and fly to New York, where they will join together to form a giant robot called Mecca-Tron!

    2. Young boys and girls across America will grow full beards, and then explode.

    3. Walmart will be driven out of business by Burqa-Mart.

    4. Gun rights advocates will be completely confused when the government confiscates their handguns, but then gives them AK-47s and RPGs, instead.

    5. On the TV show, The Bachelor, the male contestant will be able to choose not one, but four eligible ladies. But he won’t be allowed to see them or talk to them until after they’re married.

    6. Black-and-white, checkered Keffiyeh scarves will come back into style, even though they only just went out of style in 2008.*

    7. If you lose a library book, the librarian gets to cut off your hand.

    8. Minor car accidents will be virtually eliminated when women lose the right to drive. **

    9. The economy will crumble as America’s men quit their jobs to hang out in hookah lounges, drink coffee, and play backgammon.

    10. Every American who is not a teenage girl will gratefully convert to Islam when Justin Bieber is kidnapped and help for ransom until he’s at least 25.

    * Dammit.
    ** Ha ha. Just kidding ladies. But seriously, no more driving.

    If you know of other horrible things that will certainly happen if they build the GZM, please add them via comments!

    UPDATE: Check out History Eraser Button for a good serious post on the subject, with pictures of the “hallowed ground”.

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