Slab's First Fist 17 : the Decision

" and the winner... by stoppage is..DONALD, THE RAPTOR....BASTARD!!"

Bobby Bigloaf is up and cheering his cartoon hero. He rushes to congratulate him.

The vanquished Slab and his ruined pooberty fists skulk away in shame.

Bobby gives a Donald a well-practiced, furry-worthy-man-hug as Big John looks down with pride at the scene of youthful joy. There's nothing like a good dose of violence to warm the heart of any decent red-blooded boy!
"Gee Mr. Cartoon Bastard," squeals Bobby, "you sure showed those bullies!"
Then the poor little future cartoon-scribe laments his own natural wimpiness. "Gosh, I was wish I could kick some bully butt like you, but I'm just a little old defenseless fatty."
Big John has the answer: "Bobby, you don't have to work out for 10 years to get a black belt in self-defense! We need you eating potato chips and writing superhero comic books!
What you do need is this fancy-ass official Donald Bastard T shirt! No one's gonna mess with you in a manly shirt like this!

Bobby quickly tears the sweat-stained white shirt off of his smooth shiny chest...

To be continued...

Hey folks, I just cracked 10,000,000 hits today! Thanks to you.
Here's Mr. Paal, a talented young cartoonist celebrating the occasion he helped happen.

Slab's First Fist 6: Enter Bastard

Bobby's favorite Toon wrenches himself out of the message board.
He spins and is ready for action.

Out spews his famous hat.

Donald goes into his anticipation...
..and explodes offscreen!
Outside the carnage continues unabated.
Donald Bastard approaches the slaughter in strike position.
Who is this interloper, wonders Slab "n" Ernie?
Bobby Bigloaf has been pummeled and bruised to near unconsciousness.

Ernie is outraged. He tells Slab to continue the onslaught, as he takes a step towards the Cartoon celebrity: "Finish the job, Slab! I'll take care of this feathered faggot!"

(I don't condone Ernie's use of hate-words and neither will our knight in shining keratin)



to be continued...

Slab's First Fist 5: Summon The Hero

Mr. Daisy furiously scrolls for just the right 'toon hero on the message boards.


At last! There he is! Flower Man: "MR. BASTARD! MR. BASTARD! COME IN, MR. BASTARD!"

"Your #1 fan is in trouble!"
Bastard: "Quack, quaaa, Squawk, bellow! Berate! Garble!"
Translation:"Not Bobby Bigloaf! He's memorized every line of my cartoons! ...and buys my merchandise!"
Flower: "Hurry hurry!"
"He's taking an awful beating!"

Out squeezes Donald Bastard: SQUOICH!


to be continued...

Slab's First Fist 4 : Crisis Management

Ernie's Blood lust is not easily sated. He eggs Slab on. "HIT 'IM 'SLAB! HIT 'IM!"

Slab winds up for a fierce

skull-smashing upper cut!
The whole lawn realizes the gravity of the situation! What began as an entertaining respite from the humdrum routine of lower-life has turned into an unbearable episode of merciless slaughter.
Mr. Worms cries:"It's too ugly! Someone's got to do something!" Mr. Daisy clutches his terrified wife.
He makes the ultimate sacrifice and tears himself out by the roots!
He frantically dashes into the house, knowing that he only has minutes of precious life left to act on Bobby's behalf.
Scrolling like mad, Mr. Daisy seeks out the one 'toon that might ward off Slab's ferocious attack.

Slab's First Fist 3 : Crisis Escalation

Slab's screaming fist destroys 3 years of expensive orthodontry in less than a millisecond (slowed down by the magic of our slo mo camera).
More coming in an hour or so...

Slab's First Fist 1

It started like any other fine morn, except for one thing.
Little Slab's fist was throbbing and aching like it was on fire.

"Hey Ern'!" he yelled to his brother on the upper bunk.

"Yeah Slab'?"
"Dude you woke me up with all your throbbing down there. What's goin' on?"
"I dunno Ern, my fist is aching and pounding! That's never happened before!"
"Wow! Hey Slab! That's your first burning fist! That means you've reached pooberty!"
"It hurts Ern'! Make it stop!"
Ernie: "It's not gonna stop on its own Slab. There's only one cure for a throbbing fist!"
Slab: "Ow! lick lick lick, Ow, Ow! Help me, Ern! Help me!"
Ernie leaps off the bunk.
"Slab! I know exactly what you need!"
"Yeah, suck it up Slab! Be proud of your aching fist! There's a purpose for it! It's all part of God's plan!"
"What you need kid, is a nice fat soft sissy to sink that thing into!"
Slab: "Where do we get one of those Ern'?"
"I know where there's one!"
"C'mon kid! We'll take the sting outta your thing!"
Ernie: "YES!"
Slab: "What's that, Ern?"

"That's a nerd, Slab! A real fat one! See its freckles? Check out his Char Wars collectibles! What a fruitcake!"
Slab: "Hey I've never seen one of those before! He's funny! What's he for?"
Ernie: "He's God's gift to your fist!"
Ernie" Hey, Bobby Bigloaf! We caught ya!"

Ernie: "Whatcha doin' there fat boy?"
Bobby: "I'm stirring up crap on the blogosphere! I'm arguing toons with other toon fans! I even get to threaten them with physical harm 'n' stuff!"
Ernie:"It's easy to be tough inside your room with Mommy home isn't it, Bobby Bigloaf!"
Bobby: "You bet! Hey...what's that thing on the end of Slab's arm?"

To be continued...