I saw my psychiatrist this morning. He thinks I am doing well. I don't have to see him again until mid December.
Today is one of those days when it feels so good to be sober and to be enjoying the sanity that sobriety brings. I am already starting to look forward to July 8th next year when I hopefully will have achieved two years sobriety and have gone two years with no psych hospital admissions and two years with no contact and no trouble with the police and courts. After that, who knows? I might go on to stay sober and stay relatively sane for the rest of my life. Who knows? It is possible. Time will tell............
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Sunday, 17 October 2010
bush walk etc
I went for a short bush walk today. I felt tired, weak and sluggish. I would love to be slimmer, fitter and have more energy. Oh well..........
There is one good thing about having a manic episode. You usually lose weight. If I ever have another manic episode and lose weight I would really make an effort to not put the weight back on.
I am still on Epilim and Risperdal. I wonder how much being on these two medications has caused and is causing my weight gain and tiredness?
Today is 17th October. It was this time of the year 28 years ago, in 1982, when I was 19, that I went totally mad for the first time. I was put in a psych hospital and given ECT and anti-psychotics. I have had episodes of mental illness and mental instability since then but I don't think I have ever again cracked up as badly as I did that first time. Although, when I think of it, I was quite crazy again in 1983 when a psychiatrist put me on Lithium and I remember 1993 as being a year when I was very mentally unwell. The last time I had a period of mental illness/instability was on and off from late 2008 till mid 2009. I had several psych hospital admissions during this time. I did some terrible binge drinking during this time which made things a lot worse but I believe I would still have been mentally unwell on and off from late 2008 to mid 2009 even if I hadn't drank.
I ended up deleting a lot of posts from this blog that I made when I was off my head.
There is one good thing about having a manic episode. You usually lose weight. If I ever have another manic episode and lose weight I would really make an effort to not put the weight back on.
I am still on Epilim and Risperdal. I wonder how much being on these two medications has caused and is causing my weight gain and tiredness?
Today is 17th October. It was this time of the year 28 years ago, in 1982, when I was 19, that I went totally mad for the first time. I was put in a psych hospital and given ECT and anti-psychotics. I have had episodes of mental illness and mental instability since then but I don't think I have ever again cracked up as badly as I did that first time. Although, when I think of it, I was quite crazy again in 1983 when a psychiatrist put me on Lithium and I remember 1993 as being a year when I was very mentally unwell. The last time I had a period of mental illness/instability was on and off from late 2008 till mid 2009. I had several psych hospital admissions during this time. I did some terrible binge drinking during this time which made things a lot worse but I believe I would still have been mentally unwell on and off from late 2008 to mid 2009 even if I hadn't drank.
I ended up deleting a lot of posts from this blog that I made when I was off my head.
Monday, 11 October 2010
not a long time?
When I had only one or two months sobriety a year's sobriety seemed like a long time. Now that I have been sober one year and three months it does not seem like a long time. How long will I have to stay sober until I feel I have been sober a long time? 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? In a way I should regard 1 year and 3 months as a long time. It is the longest time I've gone without a drink since I was 16.
When I stopped drinking last year I was 46. Lately I have wasted time thinking if only I had stopped drinking earlier in my life. The pain, chaos, madness and troubles etc I could have avoided had I stopped drinking when I was younger! Instead I should be thinking: "Thank God! I stopped at 46 and did not keep drinking till I was 56."
Overall, I spend too much time thinking about or worrying about the future or wishing my past could have been different. I must try and focus more on the present.
...........to be continued............
When I stopped drinking last year I was 46. Lately I have wasted time thinking if only I had stopped drinking earlier in my life. The pain, chaos, madness and troubles etc I could have avoided had I stopped drinking when I was younger! Instead I should be thinking: "Thank God! I stopped at 46 and did not keep drinking till I was 56."
Overall, I spend too much time thinking about or worrying about the future or wishing my past could have been different. I must try and focus more on the present.
...........to be continued............
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
massage etc
I am sitting in Bowral library as I type this. A couple of hours ago I drove my mother and my niece to Bowral cinema. I pick them up in a hour. I have just had a wonderful 30 minute massage at this new massage clinic in Bowral. The massage started with the woman walking up and down my back. She was very light. I love getting a good massage. It cost only $35.
I missed AA again last night. I sometimes worry that I am risking my sobriety when I miss AA meetings. I wish I had more confidence when it comes to standing up in front of people in a meeting and sharing. I have done it OK at different times in the past but lately I have felt too nervous and anxious and if I am asked to share I usually just say something like "No thanks. I think I'll just listen tonight. But my name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic." Most people I've seen at AA seem to have no problems with standing up in front of the group and talking/sharing. I wish I was like most people.
In two days time I have been sober one year and three months.
I missed AA again last night. I sometimes worry that I am risking my sobriety when I miss AA meetings. I wish I had more confidence when it comes to standing up in front of people in a meeting and sharing. I have done it OK at different times in the past but lately I have felt too nervous and anxious and if I am asked to share I usually just say something like "No thanks. I think I'll just listen tonight. But my name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic." Most people I've seen at AA seem to have no problems with standing up in front of the group and talking/sharing. I wish I was like most people.
In two days time I have been sober one year and three months.
Monday, 4 October 2010
dreams of drinking
I had a dream (or a nightmare) last night in which I was drinking. In the dream I was drunk and drinking at a bar and after a little while the bar staff refused to serve me. Until last night I had not had a drinking dream for some time. It is good that I didn't dream of drinking where everything went OK and was pleasant.
Oh well, it was only a dream. In real life I have not had a drink in 454 days. I have now been sober one year and almost three months.
I am still working out each day on the punching bag. The problem is that my arms are weak and I tire very quickly. I tire and have to have a rest before I can get a good cardio work out. But I am determined to persevere until I have developed some strength and stamina. I think it might take some time until I do develop some strength and stamina but each day that I make an effort I will be improving. I really hope that by Christmas I will have got rid of some flab. I hate having a big stomach but I hate even more having flab around my chest.
Oh well, it was only a dream. In real life I have not had a drink in 454 days. I have now been sober one year and almost three months.
I am still working out each day on the punching bag. The problem is that my arms are weak and I tire very quickly. I tire and have to have a rest before I can get a good cardio work out. But I am determined to persevere until I have developed some strength and stamina. I think it might take some time until I do develop some strength and stamina but each day that I make an effort I will be improving. I really hope that by Christmas I will have got rid of some flab. I hate having a big stomach but I hate even more having flab around my chest.
Thursday, 30 September 2010
tired and weak arms
Well, I have now been working out on the punching bag for three consecutive days. My arms feel tired and weak. I don't know how long it is going to take till I have enough strength in my arms to hit the punching bag for a lengthy period of time. All I can do is just keep at it and make sure I have at least one session attacking the punching bag every day and try to do a little more each day.
I will soon have been sober for one year and three months. Hopefully there will be nothing stopping me going on to get two years of sobriety.
I am not going to AA as often as I was before. But I am spending a fair amount of time reading about AA and alcoholism on the internet. Also, I am at the moment reading "Pass it on", which is a biography of Bill Wilson and a history of AA.
I am still not sure why I've been able to stay sober this time for more than a year when I have failed at previous attempts at sobriety. I think it is possible or probable that a big part of it might be that I have finally reached a stage where I am 100% certain that drinking will only bring me a little short term pleasure which will be followed by a lot of pain, madness and troubles.
I will soon have been sober for one year and three months. Hopefully there will be nothing stopping me going on to get two years of sobriety.
I am not going to AA as often as I was before. But I am spending a fair amount of time reading about AA and alcoholism on the internet. Also, I am at the moment reading "Pass it on", which is a biography of Bill Wilson and a history of AA.
I am still not sure why I've been able to stay sober this time for more than a year when I have failed at previous attempts at sobriety. I think it is possible or probable that a big part of it might be that I have finally reached a stage where I am 100% certain that drinking will only bring me a little short term pleasure which will be followed by a lot of pain, madness and troubles.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
punching bag
One of my brothers has put a punching bag up in our garage today. I have started working out on it already.
The last time I was fairly fit was in 2004 when I spent 8 months on a rehab farm where we had a gym that had a punching bag. Hitting a punching bag is one of the few forms of exercise I actually enjoy. On the rehab farm I got into the habit of going to the gym every day and attacking the punching bag. After a few months I got rid of all the flab around my chest and also lost some weight around my stomach. It felt great.
I now plan to start working out on the punching bag every day again. It is a great form of exercise. It very quickly gets the heart pumping. I am really looking forward to losing some weight and flab and getting more fit.
There is three months to the end of this year. If I work out every day for the next three months I should achieve some results by Christmas/New Year.
I'll record here that my weight has now gone out to 109kg (c. 240 pounds). My goal is to get down to 100kg (220 pounds) by Christmas. After that my goal is to eventually get down to 85kg (187 pounds). If I can achieve this it would be great for my diabetes. Also, just overall, I'd look better and feel better.
I'll record here on this blog how successful I am at losing this weight.
The last time I was fairly fit was in 2004 when I spent 8 months on a rehab farm where we had a gym that had a punching bag. Hitting a punching bag is one of the few forms of exercise I actually enjoy. On the rehab farm I got into the habit of going to the gym every day and attacking the punching bag. After a few months I got rid of all the flab around my chest and also lost some weight around my stomach. It felt great.
I now plan to start working out on the punching bag every day again. It is a great form of exercise. It very quickly gets the heart pumping. I am really looking forward to losing some weight and flab and getting more fit.
There is three months to the end of this year. If I work out every day for the next three months I should achieve some results by Christmas/New Year.
I'll record here that my weight has now gone out to 109kg (c. 240 pounds). My goal is to get down to 100kg (220 pounds) by Christmas. After that my goal is to eventually get down to 85kg (187 pounds). If I can achieve this it would be great for my diabetes. Also, just overall, I'd look better and feel better.
I'll record here on this blog how successful I am at losing this weight.
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