Sunday, October 3, 2010
My Computer is broke!
Peggy seems to have worn the thing out. Damn iMac just couldn't take the beating. It needs to go to the shop, which is a major chore in itself, before final diagnosis and decisions are made: fix it or get a new one. Just so ya'll know. Could be a couple days or a couple weeks before we get her back online.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Fifty Fucking Questions!
Here's the deal with questions like this. I think maybe ten of them are worth going into detail to answer, but my answers don't interest me much, so I don't feel like giving them in much detail. I have answered lists of questions before and at one time or another I was grateful for the list because I was stumped for something to write about. I'm not stumped about what to write about, I'm just not feeling well enough to write and I have chores to do. Real work, the kind that makes you sweat and tired. I'm starting out tired. I haven't been feeling tip top.
If you're a certain kind of person, you'll probably know just what I need to make me feel better and you'll be willing to tell me. I won't take your advise, so save your breath. I got a lifetime of good advise from people who supposedly loved me and it lead me away from listening to my own body, my own mind. It lead me to ignore my intuition, to put off my pleasure to pleasure someone else. Well, fuck that my dears. I'm listening to myself. And myself tells me I don't want to answer these questions. But never let it be said I wasn't a good sport. Just remember this about me. I'm not that nice.
1.How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Answer: I'd feel really fucking old.
2.Which is worse, failing or never trying? Answer: Oh give me a break!
3.If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Answer: Is this a trick question? My life has been twice as long as I thought it would be and I've done most everything except get a book published and a movie deal for it. I didn't have a child, but that was my choice. I wasn't good at love, but I think I'm the kind of person who needs to live alone. I didn't make a lot of money because I wasn't ambitious for money; I always valued time more than money. Oh, and though I have been to Paris, I haven't lived there. But the why and how of other people and the things they do and don't do is a mystery to me.
4.When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Answer: I will have done more than I should have, and said less than I wanted.
5.What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Answer: War? Religion?
6.If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Answer: Riding horses, having chickens, rabbits, a sunny garden. I don't want much. I'd like to see my writing in print and on the big and/or little screen. That's as big as it gets for me.
7.Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Answer: Yes.
8.If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Answer: I probably wouldn't change a thing but the parents I had.
9.To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Answer: To very little degree. My life led me around by the nose.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Answer: I'd like to know I could do a few things right, and I don't give a shit about doing the right things. No, I have to modify that a little. I'd like to write a good enough query letter to find my way into print and then onto the big and/or little screen. I've written a number of things I'm damn sure would make good cinema or a good television series. Having to write the ad copy to sell my writing has brought me to a screeching halt. Oh did you mean some altruistic thing?
11.You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? Answer: I'd let them finish trashing my friend then tell them she/he is my friend. Then I'd watch to see how they react.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Answer: I give advise to no one.
13.Would you break the law to save a loved one? Answer: Yes. I'd break some laws just for fun. I'll let you figure that one out.
14.Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Answer: I see my own insanity almost every day. It is probably why I'm creative.
15.What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Answer: I live in my garage. Do you? I didn't think so.
16.How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Viva le differance! Answer: seems to me you answered your own question.
17.What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Answer: See question #10
18.Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Answer: I've always been able to turn my back and walk away from everything but my mother. I was advised by two very good therapists to get away from her and never look back, but I waited to long. Then as her only living relative, I was legally responsible for her. Now I'm just living my life day by day. Most of the time it's pretty good. I even say to myself now and then, "I love my life."
19.If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Answer: Maybe live in France or Denmark.
20.Do you push the elevator button more than once? . Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Answer. Yes. No.
21.Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Answer I'd rather be a mostly happy person of above average intelligence.
22.Why are you, you? Answer: Nature/Lack of nurture/too much abuse and stress early on/the genes for bipolar disorder/the kind of looks that made me prey when I was young and made choosing a career modeling very seductive and easy/the shame that I made my living by my looks/marrying the wrong men/loving the wrong man.
23.Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Answer: I think I'm basically a pretty shitty friend. So no, I don't think I'd want myself as a friend. I can be entertaining and fun now and then, but I don't take crap from anyone and I call bullshit on those I love. I hate most parties, I don't drink so bars no longer interest me, and I'd rather stay home so I you want to see me you have to come to me. I'm unsentimental about death. This horrifies most of my friends. But my lack of sentimentality has led me to leave my body to the U of Utah Med School when I die and to plan to have a way out if I need it. I have a friend who has told me he'll come here to be with me when I decided to take my life. I know he won't and I wouldn't want him to. No matter how many people are around the bed of the dying, we all die alone. And when we're gone life moves on, as it should.
24.Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Answer: Losing touch with a good friend who lives close by. I have one of those three houses away. It was her choice. I honor her decision.
25.What are you most grateful for? Answer: That I lived long enough to survive my awful parents. Knowing that my father suffered a horrible death. See what I mean when I say I'm not that nice? I'm not willing to pretend. I have no shame.
26.Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Answer: I'd rather keep the old memories. It's been great material. And I don't plan to have a bunch of new memories. My short term memory sucks but my recall of distant events is clear and sharp.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Answer: Yes. Fire burns! Unless you're on acid. Then anything is possible.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Answer: Yes. It was having to care for my mother when she became the same old bitch only demented and incontinent. She got meaner with each passing day. I became her prisoner and slave.
29.Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Answer: Which time?
30.What is your happiest childhood memory? Answer: Riding horses. What makes it so special? Answer: My parents didn't ride.
31.At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Answer: When I was flirting with Darkblack.
32.If not now, then when? Answer: Oh bother. I'll think about that tomorrow.
33.If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Answer: Everything. Nothing.
34.Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Answer: Probably. I was probably stoned, too.
35.Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Answer: that is the question of the ages. I'd love to take that Pulitzer Peace Prize and then the Nobel that's sure to follow, but I haven't a clue why anyone believes in a religion, let alone why they are willing to kill in its name.
36.Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Answer: No. And only a simpleton like George Bush talks in those terms. The axis of evil my ass. Call someone part of the axis of evil and you've got nowhere to go but to war.
37.If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Answer: No, I like my job since I'm my boss. I'd give myself a raise and go to Paris.
38.Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Answer: With that million I won, I'd contribute to improving the economy of a window washer, a gardener, a contractor and crew to remodel both houses. And in so doing change the work I do from laborer to supervisor on my own project.
39.Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Answer: No. Everything changes even if it seems to stay the same.
40.When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Answer: A month or so ago when I was forced by this economy to get a reverse mortgage.
41.If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Answer: I'd be enjoying my last day alive as quietly as possible.
42.Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Answer: No.
43.What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Answer: I don't know but I'm truly alive.
44.When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Answer: I have seldom calculated risk and rewards. I've done what I felt I had to most of the time. I wasn't always right. I probably won't be in the future either.
45.If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Answer: Probably because we know how costly some of our mistakes have been. There are endless opportunities to make more mistakes in the future and no way to avoid them all. The constant nature of change makes it a certainty there will be new experiences where the past isn't exactly a road map for the future.
46.What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Answer: I'm finally doing what I would have done if I'd known I had any other options than the ones that presented themselves at the time.
47.When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Answer: At my last doctor appointment when I was asked to breathe this way and then that way. My lungs are clear. I have huge lungs. I don't live with the constant stress and tension I did in the days when I was living with men or in my mother's presence. So I no longer hold my breath in order to keep from feeling my real feelings.
48.What do you love? Answer: Writing, when it flows. Dreams, when I have them. Sleep, when it comes. Dogs, cats, horses, the occasional person.
49.In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Answer: Check my answer to question #39. The only certainty is change. No day is ever exactly the same as another. I might remember this day in almost every detail, but I won't remember that it was five years ago. I will probably think it was two or three years ago. Time flies when you get this old.
50.Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Answer: I do what I can to influence outcomes. For instance, I donate what I can and I vote. I sign petitions, I express my opinions. I write about the things that matter to me when I can write. I do what I can but I'm not that fucking powerful. No one person is. I make decisions every day but they won't matter much except in small ways and mostly to my cat and dog.
Upon reading through this I find I lost interest about half way through. So I haven't proof read these answers.
If you're a certain kind of person, you'll probably know just what I need to make me feel better and you'll be willing to tell me. I won't take your advise, so save your breath. I got a lifetime of good advise from people who supposedly loved me and it lead me away from listening to my own body, my own mind. It lead me to ignore my intuition, to put off my pleasure to pleasure someone else. Well, fuck that my dears. I'm listening to myself. And myself tells me I don't want to answer these questions. But never let it be said I wasn't a good sport. Just remember this about me. I'm not that nice.
1.How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Answer: I'd feel really fucking old.
2.Which is worse, failing or never trying? Answer: Oh give me a break!
3.If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Answer: Is this a trick question? My life has been twice as long as I thought it would be and I've done most everything except get a book published and a movie deal for it. I didn't have a child, but that was my choice. I wasn't good at love, but I think I'm the kind of person who needs to live alone. I didn't make a lot of money because I wasn't ambitious for money; I always valued time more than money. Oh, and though I have been to Paris, I haven't lived there. But the why and how of other people and the things they do and don't do is a mystery to me.
4.When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Answer: I will have done more than I should have, and said less than I wanted.
5.What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Answer: War? Religion?
6.If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Answer: Riding horses, having chickens, rabbits, a sunny garden. I don't want much. I'd like to see my writing in print and on the big and/or little screen. That's as big as it gets for me.
7.Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Answer: Yes.
8.If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Answer: I probably wouldn't change a thing but the parents I had.
9.To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Answer: To very little degree. My life led me around by the nose.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Answer: I'd like to know I could do a few things right, and I don't give a shit about doing the right things. No, I have to modify that a little. I'd like to write a good enough query letter to find my way into print and then onto the big and/or little screen. I've written a number of things I'm damn sure would make good cinema or a good television series. Having to write the ad copy to sell my writing has brought me to a screeching halt. Oh did you mean some altruistic thing?
11.You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? Answer: I'd let them finish trashing my friend then tell them she/he is my friend. Then I'd watch to see how they react.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Answer: I give advise to no one.
13.Would you break the law to save a loved one? Answer: Yes. I'd break some laws just for fun. I'll let you figure that one out.
14.Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Answer: I see my own insanity almost every day. It is probably why I'm creative.
15.What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Answer: I live in my garage. Do you? I didn't think so.
16.How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Viva le differance! Answer: seems to me you answered your own question.
17.What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Answer: See question #10
18.Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Answer: I've always been able to turn my back and walk away from everything but my mother. I was advised by two very good therapists to get away from her and never look back, but I waited to long. Then as her only living relative, I was legally responsible for her. Now I'm just living my life day by day. Most of the time it's pretty good. I even say to myself now and then, "I love my life."
19.If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Answer: Maybe live in France or Denmark.
20.Do you push the elevator button more than once? . Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Answer. Yes. No.
21.Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Answer I'd rather be a mostly happy person of above average intelligence.
22.Why are you, you? Answer: Nature/Lack of nurture/too much abuse and stress early on/the genes for bipolar disorder/the kind of looks that made me prey when I was young and made choosing a career modeling very seductive and easy/the shame that I made my living by my looks/marrying the wrong men/loving the wrong man.
23.Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Answer: I think I'm basically a pretty shitty friend. So no, I don't think I'd want myself as a friend. I can be entertaining and fun now and then, but I don't take crap from anyone and I call bullshit on those I love. I hate most parties, I don't drink so bars no longer interest me, and I'd rather stay home so I you want to see me you have to come to me. I'm unsentimental about death. This horrifies most of my friends. But my lack of sentimentality has led me to leave my body to the U of Utah Med School when I die and to plan to have a way out if I need it. I have a friend who has told me he'll come here to be with me when I decided to take my life. I know he won't and I wouldn't want him to. No matter how many people are around the bed of the dying, we all die alone. And when we're gone life moves on, as it should.
24.Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Answer: Losing touch with a good friend who lives close by. I have one of those three houses away. It was her choice. I honor her decision.
25.What are you most grateful for? Answer: That I lived long enough to survive my awful parents. Knowing that my father suffered a horrible death. See what I mean when I say I'm not that nice? I'm not willing to pretend. I have no shame.
26.Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Answer: I'd rather keep the old memories. It's been great material. And I don't plan to have a bunch of new memories. My short term memory sucks but my recall of distant events is clear and sharp.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Answer: Yes. Fire burns! Unless you're on acid. Then anything is possible.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Answer: Yes. It was having to care for my mother when she became the same old bitch only demented and incontinent. She got meaner with each passing day. I became her prisoner and slave.
29.Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Answer: Which time?
30.What is your happiest childhood memory? Answer: Riding horses. What makes it so special? Answer: My parents didn't ride.
31.At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Answer: When I was flirting with Darkblack.
32.If not now, then when? Answer: Oh bother. I'll think about that tomorrow.
33.If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Answer: Everything. Nothing.
34.Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Answer: Probably. I was probably stoned, too.
35.Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Answer: that is the question of the ages. I'd love to take that Pulitzer Peace Prize and then the Nobel that's sure to follow, but I haven't a clue why anyone believes in a religion, let alone why they are willing to kill in its name.
36.Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Answer: No. And only a simpleton like George Bush talks in those terms. The axis of evil my ass. Call someone part of the axis of evil and you've got nowhere to go but to war.
37.If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Answer: No, I like my job since I'm my boss. I'd give myself a raise and go to Paris.
38.Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Answer: With that million I won, I'd contribute to improving the economy of a window washer, a gardener, a contractor and crew to remodel both houses. And in so doing change the work I do from laborer to supervisor on my own project.
39.Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Answer: No. Everything changes even if it seems to stay the same.
40.When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Answer: A month or so ago when I was forced by this economy to get a reverse mortgage.
41.If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Answer: I'd be enjoying my last day alive as quietly as possible.
42.Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Answer: No.
43.What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Answer: I don't know but I'm truly alive.
44.When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Answer: I have seldom calculated risk and rewards. I've done what I felt I had to most of the time. I wasn't always right. I probably won't be in the future either.
45.If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Answer: Probably because we know how costly some of our mistakes have been. There are endless opportunities to make more mistakes in the future and no way to avoid them all. The constant nature of change makes it a certainty there will be new experiences where the past isn't exactly a road map for the future.
46.What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Answer: I'm finally doing what I would have done if I'd known I had any other options than the ones that presented themselves at the time.
47.When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Answer: At my last doctor appointment when I was asked to breathe this way and then that way. My lungs are clear. I have huge lungs. I don't live with the constant stress and tension I did in the days when I was living with men or in my mother's presence. So I no longer hold my breath in order to keep from feeling my real feelings.
48.What do you love? Answer: Writing, when it flows. Dreams, when I have them. Sleep, when it comes. Dogs, cats, horses, the occasional person.
49.In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Answer: Check my answer to question #39. The only certainty is change. No day is ever exactly the same as another. I might remember this day in almost every detail, but I won't remember that it was five years ago. I will probably think it was two or three years ago. Time flies when you get this old.
50.Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Answer: I do what I can to influence outcomes. For instance, I donate what I can and I vote. I sign petitions, I express my opinions. I write about the things that matter to me when I can write. I do what I can but I'm not that fucking powerful. No one person is. I make decisions every day but they won't matter much except in small ways and mostly to my cat and dog.
Upon reading through this I find I lost interest about half way through. So I haven't proof read these answers.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Stasis
I should do a little research and see if this lassitude, this almost dormancy is cyclical. I have lost the will to write anything longer than a comment or tweet. Has Twitter ruined me? Perhaps. But I was cranking out posts at a rate of two a day for much of my first year on Twitter, so I can't really put this all off on Twitter. And truth be told, I'm even neglecting Twitter.
I don't feel well. It's just the same old stuff. My platelet count is down again. I'll bet my cholesterol is up again. My colon is fine for now, but knowing me and how little water I'm naturally inclined to drink, it won't be fine for long. The only time in my life as an adult I didn't eat healthy was during the worst of the time of caring for my heinous and demented mother. There came a point I just didn't have the energy for cooking, so I lived on cereal and Budget Gourmet. But those days are long past. And I've been eating healthy for five years now. I don't walk far enough or long enough, but I'm working on it. There, so much for my health.
I suspect my lassitude has more to do with political fatigue and the too fast ending of long days. I'm sensitive to short days. I need sunlight and time. Winter is coming and now I have work to do outside. I've neglected the yard this year. I haven't finished enlarging the path and patio here from the little house to the front house. I didn't realize how much Ms M did to make the front of the house look good. I hardly ever venture out front except to pick up mail or coming and going with Marley when we walk. I have set water several times to find it turned off by one of the young men in the front house. They think half an hour is plenty. Not for trees, it isn't. I haven't felt well enough to mow, but then when you hardly ever water, the lawn doesn't grow much.
I have cut the Iris, pulled vines out of trees, raked the pine needles, trimmed the mint. I will cut the Vinca from the paved paths, pull the bulbs from the beds too close to the house. I will re pot house plants getting ready to bring them inside. But what I cannot do is write. Not for the time being. I will wait for the leaves to turn and fall and then I will rake.
I don't feel well. It's just the same old stuff. My platelet count is down again. I'll bet my cholesterol is up again. My colon is fine for now, but knowing me and how little water I'm naturally inclined to drink, it won't be fine for long. The only time in my life as an adult I didn't eat healthy was during the worst of the time of caring for my heinous and demented mother. There came a point I just didn't have the energy for cooking, so I lived on cereal and Budget Gourmet. But those days are long past. And I've been eating healthy for five years now. I don't walk far enough or long enough, but I'm working on it. There, so much for my health.I suspect my lassitude has more to do with political fatigue and the too fast ending of long days. I'm sensitive to short days. I need sunlight and time. Winter is coming and now I have work to do outside. I've neglected the yard this year. I haven't finished enlarging the path and patio here from the little house to the front house. I didn't realize how much Ms M did to make the front of the house look good. I hardly ever venture out front except to pick up mail or coming and going with Marley when we walk. I have set water several times to find it turned off by one of the young men in the front house. They think half an hour is plenty. Not for trees, it isn't. I haven't felt well enough to mow, but then when you hardly ever water, the lawn doesn't grow much.
I have cut the Iris, pulled vines out of trees, raked the pine needles, trimmed the mint. I will cut the Vinca from the paved paths, pull the bulbs from the beds too close to the house. I will re pot house plants getting ready to bring them inside. But what I cannot do is write. Not for the time being. I will wait for the leaves to turn and fall and then I will rake.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Because of You, Christine O'Donnell...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I Suffer From A Lack of Passion...
It feels like battle fatigue. I had a form of that growing up and it never quite ran away.
I look back at that sentence and my first impulse is to fix it, but that Freudian quality is just what I'm talking about. I thought it would be easier after I recovered from being my mother's caregiver, but the financial disaster her illness created for me is still (six years later) rippling out into the rest of my life. And it makes me feel like selling my jewels to keep the farm. Instead I sold the farm to keep the farm. This is the magic of the Reverse Mortgage. Next, if I can find that top hat, I might try a rabbit trick.
The book I wrote, The Narcissist, is about my nightmarish relationship with my strange mother. I thought when I finished it things would change. I now wonder if I can't write a query letter because I'm not done with the book yet. Does it need a rewrite? Why can't I write a synopsis? What's the book about again?
I felt a few moments jubilation when I thought I finally figured out the device to bring the narrative into the first person present tense, to hold the story together, to give it a focus, to keep it in the moment, to give it life. I did that last rewrite and thought I was finished. But then the next step would have been to write a query letter and a synopsis. I'd have had to pick a genre, and sell it like cereal. Is it my desire to be discovered and thus forgo all the grubby work of finding an agent and getting published? Oh fiddle de de. Am I just a dabbler?
I did have a Scarlett O'Hara moment, thinking "I'll think about that tomorrow" the last time I pondered the Query quandary and then promptly followed my bliss into a flirtation with a man I've never met (nor ever will) which temporarily revived my libido and was cause for some slightly reckless solitary celebration and that turned into the first six chapters of a new book.
Then someone talked me into joining Facebook. I wish I knew which one of you to blame for this time-sucking obsession but it's the reason I can't writing anything except the occasional comment. It isn't Twitter's fault this time. Facebook has me stalking the great news story and friending my favorite reporters. It's Facebook's fault.
At about the time I joined up, Fairlane (a man who used to scare me) asked me to contribute to a new blog, Black Magpie Theory. I kind of worshipped Fairlane from afar, years ago (how sick is that to worship a man who scares you) so my ego made me say "yes" without giving much real thought to it. (I think some version of this is what was wrong with all my relationships with men.) And then insecurity set in. And then the invitation became a meeting, and then the deadline became a reality. I couldn't meet my deadlines. Other writers (like Lisa and Tengrain) said it better, and I wasn't posting much on my blog either. You know the rest. I'm not writing.
When will the dry spell end? Your guess is as good as mine.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Orange Man Lies
Give lower income families jobs and a tax break and they'll spend the money on goods and services that stimulate the economy. Give the rich a tax break and they'll save the money. They don't need it so why spend it. If you have the slightest doubt about this watch this clip. It breaks down the income brackets and how they fare under Republicans versus Democrats:
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Glade
Golden dimpling light, the short green spikes of Iris dead remain
Cut to please the neighbors before the freezing rain, October comes
And in this moment’s gesture, arm outstretched, remember longing, for it’s pain
I love my life if only for this momentary fire in the brain, a flash, and that’s enough
Can’t say I ever loved myself. I felt defective from the start.
Not good enough for anybody’s love, it was my shame.
I have been told, “You’re pretty.” What does it mean in any way that matters?
Why not the ecstasy of adolescent longing? Why not the waiting by the phone?
I hate the whipsaw of control and need. I’d rather die alone
A leap into the void without the faith that anything will hold
Crossing on the Michelangelo. Accompanied by a charming thief
I climbed the winding, narrowing streets of Rome. Accosted naked in a baking
Windblown room, I ran and never loved a man who loved me too
I spent my life retreating from desire. What makes me think that words will save me now?
A picture of a naked child, she sit and stirs the dirt, her smile just barely there, sublime.
The dog attends ears pricked and staring at the camera, he keeps them all away
The danger of the man who disappears. I look away and find a rapture
In the glade, a patch of dirt, the dog, the memory of the man, and that's enough.
©2008 Peggy Pendleton
Cut to please the neighbors before the freezing rain, October comes
And in this moment’s gesture, arm outstretched, remember longing, for it’s pain
I love my life if only for this momentary fire in the brain, a flash, and that’s enough
Can’t say I ever loved myself. I felt defective from the start.
Not good enough for anybody’s love, it was my shame.
I have been told, “You’re pretty.” What does it mean in any way that matters?
Why not the ecstasy of adolescent longing? Why not the waiting by the phone?
I hate the whipsaw of control and need. I’d rather die alone
A leap into the void without the faith that anything will hold
Crossing on the Michelangelo. Accompanied by a charming thief
I climbed the winding, narrowing streets of Rome. Accosted naked in a baking
Windblown room, I ran and never loved a man who loved me too
I spent my life retreating from desire. What makes me think that words will save me now?
A picture of a naked child, she sit and stirs the dirt, her smile just barely there, sublime.
The dog attends ears pricked and staring at the camera, he keeps them all away
The danger of the man who disappears. I look away and find a rapture
In the glade, a patch of dirt, the dog, the memory of the man, and that's enough.
©2008 Peggy Pendleton
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The News Is Making Me Sick
So many things are going on simultaneously that I can't focus my outrage enough to write anything but a screaming tweet now and then.
It isn't just the batshit crazy cracker "pastor" in Gainsville, Florida with a "congregation of fifty and the scheme to burn Qurans to make some kind of statement (though no one has yet been able to quite decipher it). I think I heard on one of the news programs that this snake oil salesman turned "pastor" has written a book of his own, so simple publicity is most likely his motivation. But the insanity of one church burning the sacred book of another church is as irreligious as anything I've ever heard of and I'm an old atheist. No matter that General David Patreus, the favorite General of the GOP has made a plea that this act of sacrilege should not go forward, still no GOPers have stepped forward to speak out against this moron and tell him to knock it off.
It isn't just Newt Gengrich and others on the RWNJ side of the aisle who are demagoguing the Park 51 Community Center and Mosque by calling it the "Ground Zero Mosque," which is bull shit, since there are many businesses closer to "Ground Zero" (that gaping hole in the ground) some nine years after the attacks, that are far less sacred than a church and far more insulting to the whole concept of sacredness, like a strip joint and a smattering of fast food places. The whining from the Glenn Becks and Sarah Palins of the world about how hurt we all are makes us seem like "The Land of the Emotionally Delicate, and the Home of the Xenophobic." What a bunch of ninnies!
The Brits carried on during the Blitz, which lasted a very long time and with a stiff upper lip as they fought World War II, a war far closer to home than Saudi Arabia (where our attackers came from) and the rest of the Middle East is to us. But that Saudi Arabian reality wasn't convenient for the Bush family who have business dealings with the Saudi royal family that goes back a long time, so, we went to war with Iraq instead while pretending we were serious about chasing Osama bin Ladan in Afghanistan and bankrupted our country in the process. There is much to say about this but it's only one of the many things pissing me off and putting me off writing. It's also making me physically ill.
It isn't just the batshit crazy cracker "pastor" in Gainsville, Florida with a "congregation of fifty and the scheme to burn Qurans to make some kind of statement (though no one has yet been able to quite decipher it). I think I heard on one of the news programs that this snake oil salesman turned "pastor" has written a book of his own, so simple publicity is most likely his motivation. But the insanity of one church burning the sacred book of another church is as irreligious as anything I've ever heard of and I'm an old atheist. No matter that General David Patreus, the favorite General of the GOP has made a plea that this act of sacrilege should not go forward, still no GOPers have stepped forward to speak out against this moron and tell him to knock it off.
It isn't just Newt Gengrich and others on the RWNJ side of the aisle who are demagoguing the Park 51 Community Center and Mosque by calling it the "Ground Zero Mosque," which is bull shit, since there are many businesses closer to "Ground Zero" (that gaping hole in the ground) some nine years after the attacks, that are far less sacred than a church and far more insulting to the whole concept of sacredness, like a strip joint and a smattering of fast food places. The whining from the Glenn Becks and Sarah Palins of the world about how hurt we all are makes us seem like "The Land of the Emotionally Delicate, and the Home of the Xenophobic." What a bunch of ninnies!
The Brits carried on during the Blitz, which lasted a very long time and with a stiff upper lip as they fought World War II, a war far closer to home than Saudi Arabia (where our attackers came from) and the rest of the Middle East is to us. But that Saudi Arabian reality wasn't convenient for the Bush family who have business dealings with the Saudi royal family that goes back a long time, so, we went to war with Iraq instead while pretending we were serious about chasing Osama bin Ladan in Afghanistan and bankrupted our country in the process. There is much to say about this but it's only one of the many things pissing me off and putting me off writing. It's also making me physically ill.
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