Fat Acceptance & Domestic Violence

There is a pervasive way of thinking in our culture today that seeks to undermine women's fight for empowerment. Women are being attacked at every opportunity by messages designed to make them feel bad about themselves, in hopes that these women will then buy what the messenger is selling. At the Media Awareness Network, this problem is defined quite clearly:

Why are standards of beauty being imposed on women, the majority of whom are naturally larger and more mature than any of the models? The roots, some analysts say, are economic. By presenting an ideal difficult to achieve and maintain, the cosmetic and diet product industries are assured of growth and profits. And it’s no accident that youth is increasingly promoted, along with thinness, as an essential criterion of beauty. If not all women need to lose weight, for sure they’re all aging, says the Quebec Action Network for Women’s Health in its 2001 report Changements sociaux en faveur de la diversité des images corporelles.

While this kind of shaming is a popular advertising tactic in general, it is most often directed towards women.

The American research group Anorexia Nervosa & Related Eating Disorders, Inc. says that one out of every four college-aged women uses unhealthy methods of weight control—including fasting, skipping meals, excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and self-induced vomiting. Researchers report that women’s magazines have ten and one-half times more ads and articles promoting weight loss than men’s magazines do, and over three-quarters of the covers of women’s magazines include at least one message about how to change a woman’s bodily appearance — by diet, exercise or cosmetic surgery.

Television and movies reinforce the importance of a thin body as a measure of a woman’s worth. Canadian researcher Gregory Fouts reports that over three-quarters of the female characters in TV situation comedies are underweight, and only one in twenty are above average in size. Heavier actresses tend to receive negative comments from male characters about their bodies ("How about wearing a sack?"), and 80 per cent of these negative comments are followed by canned audience laughter.

Thus, the message that is largely received by women and girls from magazines, television, and film is that not only is something inherently wrong with their bodies, but that these "flaws" also constitute a personal moral failing which renders them deserving of any humiliation that comes their way.

In and of itself, there is nothing linguistically harmful about the word "fat". It is a generic descriptor much like tall, short, blond, brunette, etc. The reason that "fat" is such a loaded term is that our culture has framed fatness as practically a crime against humanity, especially if the owner of the fat is female. We're taught from a very early age that fat is not a simple descriptive term, because fat is culturally synonymous with lazy, unpleasant, stupid, unlovable, etc. This correlation is made not only by many thin people, but often by fat people who firmly believe they deserve the disrespect being thrown at them.

But what does body size and weight have to do with domestic violence?

Sandra Kiume on Psych Central wrote a letter to the editor detailing an event she witnessed where a man on the street demanded that a woman he knew follow him and called her fat along with a few other insults. Kiume's response deftly illustrates why body image is a subject central to the fight against domestic violence.

First, she wasn’t fat. But all mean kids and abusers know that the easiest way to hurt a young woman’s self-esteem is to attack her body image, especially with that cruel three-letter “f” word. It’s verbal abuse in our thin-obsessed culture. The other two words he called her are just more obviously abusive.

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual violence – the American Psychological Association classifies all three as wartime torture methods. In their daily wars women come to view themselves as worthless and powerless and internalize the loathing. They may develop serious medical problems like depression, anorexia/bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, substance abuse and more, all while afraid to leave the abuser. A woman is ten times more likely to be murdered by her abuser in the six months after she leaves him. Those threats are dead serious, and they’re a means of control that answer the common and naive question, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”(Emphasis Added)

Fortunately, there is a movement that those of us in the fight against domestic violence can look to, to promote women's ability to feel comfortable and worthy in their own skin. Providing information about the inaccuracy of the obesity crisis and other weight-related scientific findings, shining a light on medical abuse, debunking of stereotypes about fat people, and creating a safe community for women to celebrate their bodies are just a few of the things the Fat Acceptance movement has to offer.

More specifically, Kate Harding, in The Fantasy of Being Thin, thoroughly discusses the power of the myth that

having a stereotypically perfect body is somehow attached to your ability to be a good or worthy person, and the fact that many times the hardest part of accepting your body is that it means accepting and appreciating all aspects of yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But exhortations like that don’t take into account magical thinking about thinness, which I suspect — and the quote above suggests — is really quite common. Because, you see, the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person – one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s “When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.” See also:

When I’m thin, I’ll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.
When I’m thin, I’ll have the job I’ve always wanted.
When I’m thin, I won’t be depressed anymore.
When I’m thin, I’ll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I don’t speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.
When I’m thin, I’ll become really outdoorsy.
When I’m thin, I’ll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with.

Et cetera, et cetera. Those are examples from my personal Fantasy of Being Thin, but I’m sure you’ve got your own

....The thin person inside me finally got out — it just turned out she was actually a fat person. A reasonably attractive, semi-outgoing fat person who has an open mind and an active imagination but also happens to really like routine and familiarity and quiet time alone."

Embracing our bodies for what they do for us rather than punishing them into submission is a long process, but the benefits are well worth it. For a powerful introduction to celebrating yourself and living in the now, check out Joy Nash's Fat Rant Video below.



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October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

As I have said here repeated, I am healing myself; though it will always be ongoing. Even disabled, my overgrown sense of responsibility tells me I need to do some small thing to contribute to society in a positive way. As someone I respect said "service to others is the payment for living here on Earth."

I am also doing teshuva towards others I may have harmed (since I have been blocked from working it out with any of them directly) by working with victims of Domestic Violence and running a blog on the subject.

I work mostly with non-physical forms of abuse: Verbal, Emotional, Online or Psychological. Abuse that is almost impossible to see and even harder to get at and often scars permanently.

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Aside from my political babbling, I am going to post about abuse. I hope you take the time to read these posts, pass them on and, if you need help - you can email me privately and I will try to point you in the right direction.

Abuse is an equal-opportunity thing. It effects men as well as women.

I have been living under the thumb of abuse my whole life. It took me over 45 years to see that it had been going on that long and that I was also picked out and targeted for abuse by a variety of emotional & sexual predators. As was explained to me:

"What do wolves got for? sheep that are alone, depressed, distracted or afraid. A sheep that may have been shunned by others or is just huddled with others who are scared."

That was me and still is in some ways. Why? To start, because I was raised that way. Yes, I was raised to be abused. I didn't know what normal was and it is something I work on to this day.  Non-physical abuse can be very serious and toxic, and can color a life forever.

Here is an article on the Characteristics of Adults Raised in Dysfunctional Families. This is who I am. It may be who you are or someone you know. I can't cure it - but I can make it work to help others:

THE ELEVEN COMMANDMENTS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.

Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. Your mother never berates you or beats you. Your father never talks down to you or makes lewd comments around you. You are never screamed at or called names by your dysfunctional parent. Despite your crying, stomach aches & sleeplessness - it never happened.

Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't, people will think you're and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now, would we?

Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the dysfunctional truth.

The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.

Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."

Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he hates you. Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn't trust them.

Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.

The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.

Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can't really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.

Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and be responsible, even if you're only five years old.

Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff.

The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.

Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.

Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community. Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal. If you can't, we won't love you.

Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.

The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.

Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they???

Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to discuss or deal with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don't have to deal with the grief.

Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they'll go away.

The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.

Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop crying!" yells her mother angrily.

Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must be repressed and numbed. After all, we're a normal family. We're not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid.

Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain...


The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.

Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."

Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..

Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.

The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant

Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either. Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.

Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don't ask for their help. Do it yourself.

Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.

The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for you, they're doing it to manipulate you.

Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they'll use, hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.

Motto: Do everything yourself.

The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect

Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have done better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"

Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is, it's never good enough...but keep trying!

Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!

The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.

Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you know I played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don't bother me."

Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel, the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll reject me or think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I'm sorry!

Motto: Since God doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.

The Eleven Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families: A Summary

The First And Greatest Commandment is this:

"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don't cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're perfect...even if it makes you feel guilty."

The Second Is Like Unto It:

"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're not worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where you belong. There's nothing wrong anyway so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."

taken from work by Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A. (some changes made by this blog owner)


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Coping With Chronic Illness and Pain

The Mask of CFIDS and FMS  By Carol Sveilich


Has someone ever said to you, “You look great!” while inside you felt fatigued or were in profound pain? People who live with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome face this sort of dilemma every day.


Since chronic pain and ongoing exhaustion seldom manifests outwardly, people sometimes have a difficult time believing that a person with a healthy appearance and lively demeanor can have so many profound symptoms and limitations.


Unfortunately, no instruction book exists to guide people living with the easily concealed but often challenging symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. People who live with these disorders must sometimes learn to adapt to new routines or limitations. There was a time in their lives when they would promptly recover after being sick or feeling poorly. But now they find themselves riding a wave of symptoms that wax and wane and never quite go away. This is a tricky ride to maneuver, especially for someone who is accustomed to having good health and a prompt recovery.


Life turns on a dime when the onset of a chronic illness or condition rears its head. Personal and career-related goals that once seemed reasonable become out of reach. Former goals must be replaced with more attainable ones, and new lifestyle rules must be developed and adhered to. Days are often filled with doctor visits, new medications, and medical tests. Social activities and trips are either rescheduled or canceled. Jobs are difficult to maintain and are sometimes lost or altered. Relationships are affected and altered.


First the body, and then the spirit take a hit as the person adjusts to a new and unpredictable way of living. However, the news is not all bad. There are also benefits to this upheaval. New skills such as flexibility, wisdom, and compassion are learned, and a new resilience and strength can emerge as a result of these disruptions and challenges.


For some, the worst part of living with ongoing pain is simply this -- not having control over whether or not they will have a nice day! It is impossible to make plans, commit to vacations, or even take a trip to see a movie. This lack of control over symptoms can leave a person feeling as though they live within the body of an unpredictable stranger. For people who are in the habit of planning a month or a year in advance, simply making plans for activities the next day becomes a challenge and a frustration.


Not surprisingly, Nazi concentration camp survivor and psychiatrist, Viktor E. Frankl, compared his loss of control in prison to that of a person imprisoned in a body with chronic illness. His inspiring attempt to control attitude, if not circumstances, is one that can easily apply to the growing population who live with chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia.


Well-meaning acquaintances and family members who say, But you look fine, can often unleash a sense of anger or compound feelings of isolation in the person who lives with multiple challenges that are hidden from view. The person with a concealed disability would much rather hear, “I cannot imagine the difficulties you experience and still manage to live a productive and meaningful life. You are incredible!” or “I didn’t know you were dealing with such challenges. Tell me more about it. How can I help?” or “You certainly make it look easy, but it must not be.” Acknowledging the condition, rather than belittling or dismissing it, is always welcomed.


Many individuals who live with CFIDS or FMS do not give in to it gracefully. When faced with strenuous situations, they tend to push themselves beyond their comfort levels. They know from experience that their limitations are not perceived, understood, or even accepted by those around them.


Therefore, why should they limit themselves? As a result, they often pay a high price for overexertion, which often aggravates the condition or illness. Symptoms may worsen for days or even weeks. Sometimes having a good day is simply having a day that is realistically paced.


Honoring limitations is one of the most difficult challenges for anyone with an ongoing health condition. People with CFIDS or FMS tend to move beyond their comfort levels into a more psychologically comfortable space so that they appear normal and perfectly capable to the people around them. However, it’s important to learn the fine art of managing the illness and learning to say no to many of the activities and chores most people take for granted.


Let’s face it. Human nature, for the most part, is visually oriented. We believe what we see and often make character judgments based solely on visual perceptions. Often, we simply learn to play the part. “Sometimes I think I should just go into acting!” Shawna F. laughs. She lives with a chronic illness and already feels like a seasoned actress. “I should win an Oscar for some of the roles I’ve had to play in trying to hide my pain and symptoms from others.”


Marilyn M. was brought up to do everything for herself. Independent by nature, she certainly does not like to admit that she needs help. “I’m sure I give the impression that I don’t have a problem with pain, and that confuses people. On the one hand, I’m saying ‘I hurt and am tired,’ but if they look at me, they don’t see the pain and fatigue.

Society is simply not attuned to the needs of these people with easily concealed disorders such as chronic pain. While many feel compelled to help someone with an obvious physical challenge, they may respond negatively when asked to help or provide special accommodations to someone who appears healthy and looks just fine. People with chronic illness or pain are survivors, and accepting limitations is in conflict with the code that survivors live by. No one wants to live with a painful condition. No one chooses to give up those things in life that bring joy. Yet at some point, people with chronic disorders need to learn to say no to the many things that have always been a part of their lives.

Being told to look on the bright side by well-meaning friends and family members simply adds insult to injury. Positive platitudes and quick-fix suggestions trivialize pain and symptoms and cheapen the impact of these difficult and relentless challenges.

Chronic pain is real. Yet it becomes difficult to talk to friends and family members about it. Not only do people want to be free of chronic pain, they do not want to feel like a burden. “It’s a large part of who I am. I just don’t want to be pitied by my friends or be known as ‘the suffering one’ to those I love or the people I work with,” says Donna L. “Everyone becomes tired of hearing about how much I hurt, including myself! Some people think I are making it up or exaggerating my symptoms. But chronic pain is my reality. Even the medical community doesn’t always take my pain seriously.”


Pain management is at the vortex of incompatible agendas among government watchdogs, insurance companies, doctors, and patients. Fear of addiction is the key issue. Concerned that the patient will become addicted, doctors are sometimes hesitant to prescribe painkillers. However, individuals with chronic pain conditions such as FMS sometimes must rely on analgesics just as a diabetic depends on insulin.


Some people who live with painful conditions feel the need to be stoical about their plight. They see their pain as a sign of weakness, or feel their character is being disparaged because of their suffering, and thus refuse to manage their symptoms with effective medication. They deprive themselves of the relief that may allow them to regain a better quality of life.


Jill V., who lives with CFIDS, is just starting to learn the intricate rules of “the pacing game” and how easily she can try to play catch-up when she happens to have a good hour or day. “Sometimes I start to feel better, get excited, and feel that I should take advantage of feeling better. So I begin to get things done and end up doing too much. I crash, become frightened, and panic that I'll never get better, let everything go and rest, start getting better, and the cycle begins all over again. I've only just learned that instead of trying to get a lot done while feeling well, I need to temper that phase so that I don't crash. This is so obvious and yet so hard to do, because it is so exciting to feel good.”


The struggle of pain and exhaustion is a daily concern. Fatigue is a part of many chronic conditions, and making a place for this unrelenting weariness becomes a way of life. After awhile, it becomes impossible to remember what it is like not to feel exhausted. It is important to recognize that you may be able to perform some of your previous activities, but less frequently or for a shorter duration of time. People with chronic disorders can learn to work with their bodies and to recognize their limitations, but it often takes a bit of time and some trial and error.


Families may have to find a new way of playing and having fun together when one member of the family becomes chronically ill. Old hobbies and recreational trips may make way for new and creative replacements. Playing board games rather than camping, for instance, can keep families connected and involved in each others’ lives.


Some people who live with chronic illness or pain and the associated limitations are tired of being tired. At this point, they sometimes decide to challenge their limitations or else let limitations be overridden by the sheer force of their willpower. Some people have the mental determination but lack the corresponding physical stamina.


It’s as if the mind and physical body vibrate at different frequencies and race or rest at entirely different levels. In your mind, you might have all of these ideas or projects that you’d like to accomplish, articles you’d like to write, jobs you’d still like to hold. You are still an energetic person even though you body may not be energetic. It’s difficult to merge the desire to do, with a body that is unable to accomplish what the mind wants to direct.


The person must always remember to get past the guilt that is sometimes associated with taking frequent rest periods or even naps during the day, as they are sometimes perceived in our society as a sign of weakness. The person who lives with chronic symptoms must constantly play the trade-off game. What can I cut today? What has to be done, and what can be shelved for awhile? How can I save my energy? How can I reshuffle the responsibilities before me so that I can maintain my stamina?


Simplifying a life means eliminating clutter. Large and small compromises and sacrifices can help a person with a chronic hidden illness to carry on more successfully. If it is possible to hire others to cook, mow the lawn, grocery shop, or clean the house, the precious energy conserved dwells in the body’s storage tank for use during the rough patches.


Delegating is a crucial survival skill that those with CFIDS or FMS must develop. This is often difficult especially if a patient links self-worth to tasks completed. For instance, someone with chronic back pain or fibromyalgia may have difficulty asking the grocery store-bagger to assist them to the car.


Accustomed to being self-sufficient, many with pain or chronic pain may equate help with weakness and the loss of dignity. They desperately want to remain self-sufficient and are loathe surrendering to fatigue and pain. Others, however, may regard such a request as a way to reserve and restore some energy and preclude the most persistent pain.


It’s important to keep at the forefront of your mind that learning to accept help can actually be a favor to others. Accepting help from friends and family may be easier if you look at it in this way: You are helping them to cope. Learning to feel comfortable with a healthy dependency is time and effort well-spent.


Along with delegating tasks, many people with a hidden illness must learn to manage their guilt about not being able to do the things they used to do. If they cannot get to the living room today to pick up all of the old magazines, they can learn to become more flexible.


People who live with FMS or CFIDS talk in terms of good days and bad days. Performing one major task per day helps many people who are ill manage their world, even if only in small bites. Deciding what is a priority and what can wait becomes a new and crucial skill. Pacing and juggling tasks and pleasurable activities become skills that optimize chances for a manageable life.


People who live with FMS or CFIDS frequently believe that they alone live with such physical distress. This perception can, in turn, engender a sense of hopelessness and isolation--even from friends and family. Others who live with chronic pain believe that their value is measured by the number of tasks and activities they accomplish.


By not being able to participate or achieve what they used to, people with chronic pain can be left with feelings of guilt, insignificance, or loneliness. They can become angry, not only at the community of medical professionals who cannot seem to cure them or ease their pain, but also at themselves for being in pain in the first place.


In the end, nothing can compromise your spirit. You are not your pain. You are not your illness. Look at your physical state of health as the movement of the ocean. There will be mighty waves at times, but in other hours or future days, the tide will also recede, and there will be calm periods where you will find relief. The good news is that we have the capacity to make some issues foreground and some issues background in our lives. This is a choice that we can make all day long throughout our lives.


What part of your illness can you put in the background, if only for a short while? Have a visit with someone you love. For that moment, you can welcome your joy to the foreground, even if only slightly. Keep inviting those inspiring, meaningful moments into your life. Most of the time, life is all about small and precious moments.


The goal is not necessarily to become well, but to learn to accept what life has handed us. It may not always be a welcome gift–-this one of chronic symptoms and unpredictable days–-but rather an opportunity to learn more about our inner strength and the importance of the people in our lives. It is also a chance to use the gifts within that would have otherwise sat dormant.


Sometimes, learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a far more difficult assignment than caring for others. Fortuitously, chronic physical pain or symptoms often force us to care for and about ourselves in new and profound ways.


Learning to feel hopeful again is a vital stage towards acceptance of our condition and making peace with the pain. Today, there are more beneficial treatments and resources for FMS and CFIDS than ever before. Support groups for specific conditions meet regularly, both in person and online. Camaraderie and information are only a mouse click or telephone call away. Numerous organizations for CFIDS and FMS, such as this one, provide educational information to those with health challenges and to their family members.


There is also a vast amount of research underway. Medical scientists and alternative healthcare professionals are learning to recognize, control, and in some cases prevent, a host of chronic disorders. There are many reasons to feel hopeful if you shift your focus and maintain awareness that the future holds possibilities that cannot even be imagined today.


About the author:
Carol Sveilich, M.A., is a group facilitator and counselor in San Diego, California. Her background includes conducting support groups for those with health challenges, serving as an academic counselor, and developing newsletters, columns and articles to assist and educate others with chronic health disorders. Although she has FMS and CFIDS, she remains an advocate for others who live with chronic health difficulties.

Transforming Mistakes

This article rang true for me and how I have spent the last 6+ years of my life. I hope you get something from it also. - Barbara

The Point of Return
by Rosally Saltsman

We can take the most insidious penchant, and nurture it into a positive and restorative force.

Frank Abagnale, the "hero" of the book and movie Catch Me if You Can, was one of the most infamous contemporary outlaws. He successfully eluded the FBI, Interpol and the Justice system of 26 countries for five years, while amassing millions. After being caught and serving five years in prison, he was offered a chance to redeem himself by working for the U.S. government, uncovering the kind of schemes that he himself had perpetuated. He went from master criminal to crime prevention, protecting companies around the world from people like himself. Moreover, he paid back all the money he stole.

Abagnale's success story is paralleled in the Talmud. Reish Lakish was a successful bandit known for his unusual strength. Rabbi Yochanan, who had been his childhood friend and was now a great sage, said that his sister, who was particularly beautiful, was prepared to marry Reish Lakish on condition that he abandon his thieving ways and use his remarkable strength for Torah study. Raish Lakish accepted the offer and became a great scholar.

A person can use his character traits for seemingly contradictory purposes. Both King David and Esav had red hair that revealed a predisposition to certain inclinations. Indeed both became leaders of nations -- but Esav was a murderer and King David was the epitome of righteousness. Esav waged war to satisfy his bloodlust, while King David waged battles to bring honor to God.

The Talmud (Shabbat 156a) speaks about the influence of the constellations on a person's destiny. Being born under a certain constellation can predispose a person to certain personality traits -- but it's up to the individual into which area to channel these predilections. For example, someone who is influenced by Mars (the "red planet") will have a tendency to shed blood. This can express itself in becoming a murderer or a surgeon, a butcher or a mohel (who performs circumcisions). The choice is up to the individual. Any talent, character trait or aptitude can be used for the highest good or the basest evil. We are the ones who make the choice.

The character traits we have the greatest potential for perfecting are those in which we display the greatest iniquity.

The High Holidays are a time for renewal and repentance. To repent in Hebrew is called doing teshuva - "return." Often what this really means is "turning around." The character traits we have the greatest potential for perfecting are those in which we display the greatest iniquity. Becoming great does not mean changing your personality; rather one can turn their strongest characteristics in a different direction. In other words, don't change your tendencies; just change what you do with them.

Someone who steals or lies has the greatest propensity for honesty because he knows from personal experience what dishonesty looks like and how to avoid it. Someone who is belligerent is the one most apt to fight for people instead of against them; someone who loves to amass money can use this ability to fundraise for worthy causes; someone who is self-centered can transfer this sensitivity to others and become a uniquely considerate person. To reach the highest level of the continuum, one has to be on it in the first place. It isn't the person who is bad or good, rather it is the choices they make.

It's noteworthy that the Jewish New Year is celebrated in the fall and not the spring. Spring would have been the more logical time to celebrate the regeneration of life. However, the renewal in spring gets its stimulus from the decay inherent in the fall. The greatest growth comes from what to the eye seems like the corrosion of nature -- which is really the greatest impetus for growth.

Human nature is the same. We can take the most insidious penchant, and nurture it into a positive and restorative force. A force to be reckoned with.

Since his release from prison in the 1970s, Frank Abagnale has employed the tools he used to deceive companies to protect them from fraud. He has become the white knight of white-collar crime. Abagnale didn't do this by altering his personality or learning new skills; he adapted the ones he already had, and directed them toward a higher purpose.

By pointing the strongest part of our natures in the right direction, and taking our first step toward it -- that is when we reach the point of return.

Additional sources: "Signs of the Times: The Zodiac in Jewish Tradition," by Rabbi Gad Erlanger (Feldheim)


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Sukkah as Refuge

A Ritual for Domestic Violence Awareness

I ask my friends and fellow bloggers to remember abuse victims as Sukkot begins. Victims of mental, emotional & verbal abuse have "no safe place." While Domestic Violence Month officially begins in October - I would ask all of you to get and wear the Purple Ribbon during Sukkot and all of October - in support of people like myself. Victims & Survivors - who deserve peace & justice.

Rebecca Schwartz remembers the first Sukkot observance that her organization, Shalom Bayit, initiated in 1994: A small group of women, survivors of domestic violence and volunteer staff, reclaimed the sukkah as a shelter of peace. "The sukkah was like a refuge," recalls Schwartz, associate director of the San Francisco Bay Area organization devoted to combating domestic violence. "For some, this was the first time they had felt safe in the Jewish community."

Today, with more awareness and less denial in the Jewish community, the annual Sukkot ritual not only takes place as part of Shalom Bayit's support group but also is included in programs planned by other organizations. In addition, Shalom Bayit weaves together the Jewish themes of Sukkot and national Domestic Violence Awareness Month, sending out 200 purple ribbons to Jewish groups and individuals in honor and memory of Jewish women who do not know the safety of home. The foot-long ribbons, to be tied to the sukkah, can be accompanied by a blessing or healing ceremony that includes the following words:

We bless the Divine Presence, Whose wings shelter us with peace. Redeemer of Israel Who brought us out of Egypt, on this festival of Sukkot our thoughts turn to those who dwell in fear and danger in their own homes. With compassion and an outstretched arm, bring them forth into freedom and shelter them in your sukkah of peace.

—R.M.


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Teshuva: The Stages

It is therefore the universal Jewish custom – some time before Yom Kippur -- to apologize and seek forgiveness from any friends, relative, or acquaintances whom we may have harmed or insulted over the past year.

REPENTANCE

Repentance is predicated on wanting to stop the transgression. To achieve this, we must first analyze the dynamics of transgression. How does it happen?

There are four stages in the process of transgression:

Dormant
Active
Situation
Transgression

To illustrate, let's use the example of someone trying to stop smoking. The scene is a man sitting by his desk at the office doing work. He has a history of addiction to cigarettes and has been trying to stop smoking, unsuccessfully, for three months. Let's observe him and see what happens...

DORMANT
At first the urge for a cigarette is DORMANT. It can be activated at any time but at this point the craving for a cigarette is nothing more than potential energy.

ACTIVE
The door to our smoker's office is opened briefly by a co-worker and a wisp of a cigarette passing in the hallway floats invitingly through the opened door and seductively over to the our friend's nostrils. He now begins to think of having a cigarette. The passion has become ACTIVE.

However, he does not smoke in his office and cannot go at the present time to the smokers' lounge set aside down the hallway. He continues working...

Our friend gets up to use the restroom. He's thinking about a cigarette now but the urge is not out of control.

SITUATION
After leaving the restroom he can either turn right and head back to his desk or head left to the smoking lounge. He makes a fateful left turn, (to supposedly speak to a friend) and finds himself moving quickly almost out of control into a SITUATION. In this case the smoking lounge.

The situation is where the transgression can be repeated and where the urge to transgress increases in intensity to unbearable degrees.

TRANSGRESSION
He enters the smokers' lounge and is immediately offered free cigarettes by all his friends. The smell of the freshly ground coffee mixed with tobacco smoke drives his passion for a cigarette into uncontrollable proportions, and before he knows it he is inhaling deeply a robust blend of tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide, wondering if he is ever going to "kick the habit."

Now I ask you the following question:

At what point did our friend lose the battle?

It was not in the smokers' lounge. It was when he turned left instead of right after leaving the restroom. Because even though at that point his forbidden desire was ACTIVE, he could not have fulfilled it because he did not have a SITUATION that afforded him the opportunity to smoke.

What we see from this story is that there are times when our behavior is still in our own hands. And although we may crave that which is forbidden, if we can keep ourselves away from SITUATIONS that afford us the chance to slip into the negative behavior, then we will be spared the transgression.

Not only that, but the urge to transgress, although it may be strong, usually does not reach uncontrollable proportions (impassioned frenzy?) until we are in a SITUATION.

As you can see from the story above, it is difficult to avoid the second stage when our desire becomes ACTIVE, since we live in a world with so much stimuli. But it is rare that a person is placed in a SITUATION against their will. Therefore, the key to overcoming transgression is keeping out of SITUATIONS.

Because of what we have just mentioned, part of breaking the pattern of transgression is to know when and where the transgression is usually performed.

That way, one can avoid situations that make the transgression possible. This is not a cop-out, an escape. Rather it is an effective strategy.

The ultimate goal is that once you are stronger, you can indeed re-enter that same situation -- and not stumble this time.

That is what we call "complete teshuva." That's heroic.


PERSONALLY SPEAKING
You now have to ask yourself three key questions:

Question 1: WHAT? What do you want to change?

Question 2: WHERE? In what location(s) are you most prone to committing this negative act?

Question 3: HOW? How are you going to avoid getting into this potentially negative situation the next time it arises?

GETTING UP AGAIN
Our sages teach us that the difference between a righteous person and a non-righteous person is not "that one makes mistakes and one does not."

Rather, the difference is that the righteous person makes mistakes and refuses to give up. While the non-righteous person gives up after he makes a mistake.

A righteous person can be compared to a baby learning to walk. The baby takes a few steps forward and falls down, only to get up and keep moving again. Imagine if the baby would give up after the first few knocks! He would never learn how to walk!

When we set out to do teshuva, we must know that it is a process that takes time. If you are not getting where you want to be, don't get discouraged!

God knew right from the start that humanity would make mistakes.

Indeed, King Solomon, one of the wisest men of all time, wrote: "There is no righteous person on the land who does good and does not sin" (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Even if we fail to achieve the desired results, the very fact that we are trying to change is beloved by God.

So when you fall down, remember: It is an essential stepping stone to your eventual success.

Skip the paralyzing guilt. The classical confession, repeated five times during the prayer service, helps us do the inner work to maximize the power of the day.

There once was a draught in the land of Israel. The sages pleaded with God for mercy, but their prayers went unanswered in spite of their sincerity. Finally, Rabbi Akiva prayed, addressing God as Avinu Malkenu: our Father, our King. It was then that rain began to fall, nourishing the parched earth.

Rabbi Akiva's words opened the hearts and souls of not only that generation but also many future ones. We learned to see God not only as a monarch, but also as a loving parent.

One of the most distinct characteristics of a parent/child relationship is its unconditionality. Parents and children may feel alienated, but they can never cease to be linked. On Yom Kippur the opportunity to re-experience God's love for us is greater than it is at any other time. What that means is that God makes it possible to break down the most resilient barrier that we can erect separating us from our Father -- the barrier of sin.

The word "sin" has a terrible reputation. It is associated with paralyzing guilt that reduces our souls to dust. In fact, there are three words in Hebrew that describe "sin" which is really a failure of honest self-expression:

One is chet, which literally means missing the mark.
The second is avon, which means desire.
The third is pesha, which means rebellion.

When we take responsibility for our actions and for the direction that our lives have taken, (even when our decisions were colored by other people or external factors), we can begin to move forward. As long as we deny where we stand today, we will find that we are still there tomorrow.

There is one major obstacle to self-change. The past cannot be re-lived. The patterns that we have allowed ourselves to develop are extremely difficult to break.

How many times do we find ourselves trapped by the insidious, invisible automatic pilot. What frees us from the burden of self-imposed rigidity is God Himself. He is willing to reverse the laws of cause and effect in order to liberate us from ourselves. The one condition that is required is that we take responsibility for our choices, and regret the damage that we have done.

The classical confession is the means that we use to do this. It is said five times on Yom Kippur during each of the silent standing prayers, the "Amidah". Rather than ending our silent devotion by beseeching God to grant us peace, we add the confession before concluding.

By studying this confession, we can do the inner work to maximize the power of the day. Let us look at it carefully.

THE CONFESSION
ASHAMNU: We have become desolate.

We commit ourselves to recognizing that our failures are self-destructive.

BAGADNU: We have betrayed our potential, our families, God Himself.

We can question who we have been in our multifaceted role as a human being and as a Jew? Who have we betrayed? Is it not ultimately ourselves as well as others?

GAZALNU: We have stolen.

This includes not only financial theft, but theft of time, and misleading others into thinking that we are more accomplished than we actually are. This sin is especially damaging in that it reflects the fact that we have rejected the role in life that God has given us.

DEBARNU DOFI: We have spoken with "two mouths" -- we have been hypocritical.

We can confront our fear of rejection, and the dishonesty that we use to "cover ourselves." Who are we afraid of? Why? Should we not be more willing to tackle the reality that confronts us?

HEYVINU: We have made things crooked.

This includes all forms of dishonest rationalizations. Our hunger for decency sometimes is satiable through false justifications. We must remember that even a murderer invariably justifies himself at the time he commits the crime. We must rise above the false self-pity that at times lets us slip into situational ethics.

VIHIRSHANU: And we have made others wicked.

We have forced others into destructive responses. An example of this is a parent who slaps the face of an older child, almost forcing him into loss of verbal (and possibly even physical) self-control.

ZADNU: We have sinned intentionally.

The classical example is lying, in which case there is always full awareness of the factuality of the sin. How could we learn to bring God back into our consciousness when we are blinded by stress and fear?

CHAMASNU: We have been violent.

This includes all forms of taking the law in one's own hands. Almost everyone has fallen into the trap of letting the ends justify the means.

TAFALNU SHEKER: We have become desensitized to dishonesty.

Dishonesty feels "normal" to us. When we live in a time and place where lying is "normal," we can endeavor to envision our spiritual heroes in our shoes.

YATZNU RA: We have given bad advice.

This often is the result of being ashamed to admit ignorance. One of the most beautiful aspects of taking counsel from the Torah sages is their refreshing ability to use the words "I don't know." Committing ourselves to re-introduce this phrase can be life-changing.

KIZAVNU: We have disappointed God, ourselves and others by not living up to our promises.

We tell people that we can be counted upon, when we really mean that we can be counted upon if things work out. When they don't, it is important to ask one's self: Why is it that in situations where integrity and convenience can't coexist, it is always integrity that must be sacrificed?

LATZNU: We have been contemptuous.

We have diminished the importance of people and values that deserve respect. We all know at least one person who makes himself/herself "big" by devaluing others. If that person is ourselves, then we must question the direction that our need for self-esteem takes us.

MARADNU: We have rebelled.

We, in our bottomless insecurity, have found ourselves negatively proving ourselves endlessly both to God and to our fellow man. How many times this year could our lives been spiritually improved, if we didn't have to "teach" anyone a lesson?

NIATZNU: We have enraged people.

We have purposely pushed other people's buttons. We have caused God's anger to be awakened by our self-destructive behavior. We've let our desire for human connection lead us to destructive interactions.

SARARNU: We have turned aside.

We have confronted truth and looked the other way. We have chosen ease over morality.

AVINU: We fallen victim to our impulses.

Would our lives be improved if we learned to not only ask ourselves the question "what" but the question "when"? The desire for instant gratification has financial, physical and emotional implications.

PESHANU: We have broken standards of behavior that we know to be right and then justified this because of our egotism.

Have we not found ourselves justifying bad decisions with lie after lie? Have we not moved forward because to do so would mean tacitly admitting that our present level is not "perfect" enough to gratify our bottomless egos?

TZARARNU: We afflicted others.

Even in situations where harsh words are demanded, whenever we go beyond what is called for, we are accountable for the pain suffered by every unnecessary word. While we may be just letting off steam, our victims may believe every word that we say. The result can be a tragic diminishment of their self-esteem.

KISHINU OREF: We have been stiff-necked.

We have been stubborn and unwilling to redefine ourselves. No matter how wrong we are, we insist that we are right.

RISHANU: We have been wicked.

This includes all forms of physical aggression or financial injustice (such as refusal to repay a loan). When Moses saw his fellow Jew striking another Jew, he called him "rasha." He never used this phrase in any other context.

SHICHATNU: We have been immoral.

This includes all forms of dehumanizing "hunting" members of the opposite sex, or the equally dehumanizing choice of becoming "prey." Do we question why we select a specific image to be the one that we use to let the world know who we are?

TAINU: We have erred.

This, of course, is not a reference to sins that we have done because we weren't aware of better options. This refers to the choice to remain ignorant out of fear or laziness that inevitably leads to making further mistakes. This is a good time to make a solid, defined resolution to learn more. Let it replace the vague realization that time is slipping by.

TIATANU: We have misled others.

We have spread our ignorant assumptions and thereby victimized others.

The purpose of studying this list is not to wallow in guilt. It is to bring us to the point where we can honestly come before God and say, "This is who I was. Help me be who I want to be. Help me find my truest self."

His help is guaranteed. He is our Father, not only our King.

Everybody knows that New Year's resolutions are meant to be broken. But not in Judaism. The High Holidays are the best time of year for real, long-lasting change. The Torah teaches us that it is never too late to change.

Changing for the better is called doing teshuva. The Hebrew word teshuva, which is often translated as repentance, actually means to "return." Return to God. Return to our pure self.

How do people become interested in self-improvement?

People have faults. The faults they have cause them to suffer in some way or another. This suffering limits an individuals freedom and is often painful. Hence, people want to change... to improve. To be free once again.

How does one change for the better? How does one do teshuva?

There are four steps of teshuva:

Regret. To regret what we have done wrong.

Leaving the negativity behind. To stop dwelling on the transgression in thought and action.

Verbalization. To verbally state the transgression

Resolution for the future. To be determined not to let the transgression happen again.

Now let's explain the four steps:

1) REGRET
What is regret and how is it different from guilt?

Well , we all know what guilt is. That uneasy queasy feeling that we have done something terribly wrong that can never be fixed...

But how is regret different?

Here is an example of regret:

An eccentric but wealthy, elderly acquaintance tells you to meet him at 2:30 pm on Sunday afternoon at Starbucks for coffee.

At 2:00 pm you are busy watching a great movie and decide not to show up to the 2:30 meeting.

That evening you find out that this elderly gentleman made the 2:30 appointment with 10 people, you being one of the 10.

Only five out of 10 arrived at the meeting. To each of the five who showed up, your eccentric acquaintance gave a bank check for $50,000 dollars.

Now you know what regret is. The feeling of missed opportunity.

When you find out that you missed out on 50 grand for a stupid movie, you feel regret, not guilt.

When we go against the will of God, the feeling we are supposed to have is regret. What a lost opportunity! We lost a piece of eternity!

2) LEAVING THE NEGATIVITY BEHIND
Imagine a drug addict who arrives at a rehab center for detox treatment. His parents leave him at the entrance and wish him luck after a tearful but hopeful goodbye. Little do they know that their addict son's suitcase is lined with enough cocaine to send a hippo to heaven.

It's not that our addict does not want to change. He really does! He just has not "let go" of the very things that have brought him to the negative state he is now in. Did you ever learn bad habits from a particular roommate and decide that you want to stop being like that? Did you ever try doing it without changing roommates? It's nearly impossible.

"Leaving the negativity behind" means staying away from all of the paths that lead to that negativity. This includes crafting your environment to prevent temptation. And it means staying away from even mere thoughts, which can lead to the obvious next step -- action.

3) VERBALIZATION
Why is it important to say it?

There is a power to saying things as opposed to just thinking about them. Verbalizing a thought brings the idea to a new level of reality, awareness and understanding.

The verbalization that is done after committing a transgression makes one more fully aware of what was done. It therefore heightens the regret and strengthens the resolution not to commit the act again.

This verbalization is not to be done before anyone other than God. Not even your rabbi needs to know about what you have done. It's just between you and your Creator.

4) RESOLUTION FOR THE FUTURE
Make a firm decision not to repeat the negative behavior.

This step can be compared to stepping on the gas! Once you make this resolution, you're really starting to move! Every minute that passes puts miles behind you and the negativity.

You're on your way to becoming the "new you!"


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Repentance & Repenting

I re-read Alice Miller's latest groundbreaking book THE BODY NEVER LIES. I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness without the abuser or person who's hurt you's full acceptance and owning  of what they did and making amends - isn't possible for me. 

Doesn't mean I stay hurt and angry or have no peace of mind - I am simply not able to forgive. I have come to understand that some things simply are not forgiveable. And that forgiving certain things negates my dignity and right to my own feelings.

As my friend, the late Kathy Krajco said "you can't forgive a crime in progress." That is to say, if the abuser hasn't even tried to communicate with me and sincerely & fully apologized -- the crime is STILL in progress.

~~~~

I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed a father examining his young son's report card, which was filled with Ds and Fs. As the father scowled, the boy asked: "What do you think it is, Dad, heredity or environment?" Over and above heredity and environment, Judaism insists on a third factor that influences human behavior: the soul. The notion of a soul, possessed of free will, explains why two brothers can be born to the same parents, and raised in the same environment, yet one ends up a criminal and the other a fully responsible individual, sometimes even a saint. It is also the soul that makes possible a person's ability to repent.

Most Jews associate repentance with the High Holy Days. The ten-day period from the start of Rosh ha-Shana to the end of Yom Kippur is known as Aseret Y'mai Teshuva, the Ten Days of Repentance. However, attendance at synagogue on these days, even when accompanied by sincere repentance, only wins forgiveness for offenses committed against God.

As the Talmud teaches: "The Day of Atonement atones for sins against God, not for sins against man, unless the injured party has been appeased" (Mishna Yoma 8:9).

That last clause, "unless the injured party has been appeased," suggests that for at least one crime, murder, there can be no complete repentance, since there is no way to appease the injured party. This distinctively Jewish belief separates most Jewish thinkers from their Christian counterparts.

In Simon Wiesenthal's The Sunflower, written in 1976, there is an autobiographical account of an incident involving an acute ethical dilemma from the Viennese Nazi­hunter's own life. Late in the war, when Wiesenthal was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, he was plucked one morning from his work detail by a nurse and taken to the bedside of a dying Nazi soldier. The soldier proceeded to tell Wiesenthal much of his life story; most significantly, that though he had been raised as a Catholic altar boy, he had later joined the SS. During the invasion of Poland, he had rounded up Jews: In one town, he had herded the local Jewish community into a building, which was then set on fire.

Now that he had spent days lying in bed waiting to die, he realized the awful thing he had done and needed to know that a Jew forgave him. Wiesenthal remained silent and left the room. Thirty years later, he sent his account of the incident to leading Jewish and Christian figures, and asked them: "Was I right in not forgiving this repentant Nazi?" With few exceptions, the Christian respondents said that he should have done so. As Gustave Heinemann, the former German minister of justice, put it: "Justice and Law, however essential they are, cannot exist without forgiveness. That is the quality that Jesus Christ added to justice." Likewise, almost without exception, the Jewish respondents argued that he could not forgive the Nazi. The only ones empowered to grant forgiveness were the victims, which is why in this case forgiveness was literally a "dead issue."

In the case of almost all other sins, fortunately there is room for repentance. However, there are at least two common offenses, defrauding the public and damaging another person's good name, in which the damage inflicted comes dangerously close to being irrevocable. In the first instance, it is nearly impossible to locate and compensate every individual who has been defrauded; in the second, it is equally difficult to find every person who has heard and accepted an ugly rumor (see Lashon ha-Ra). The point is not to demoralize would-­be penitents, but to underscore how cautious people must be before committing acts that have irrevocable consequences.

As American humorist Josh Billings wrote: "It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit."

Jewish tradition holds that teshuva consists of several stages: The sinner must recognize his sin, feel sincere remorse, undo any damage he has done and pacify the victim of his offense, and resolve never to commit the sin again.

Jewish law also offers some guidelines to the victim of the sin. In the normal order of events, if the offender sincerely requests forgiveness, the victim is required to grant it-certainly by the third request. Withholding forgiveness is considered cruel and is itself a sin.

Concerning offenses committed against God, a characteristic Jewish teaching is that of Rabbi Bunam of Pzsyha, who once asked his disciples: "How can you tell when a sin you have committed has been pardoned? His disciples gave various answers but none of them pleased the rabbi. "We can tell," he said, "by the fact that we no longer commit that sin."

SOME JEWISH TEACHINGS ON REPENTANCE

When to Repent

Rabbi Eliezer said: "Repent one day before your death."

His disciples asked him, "Does then one know on what day he will die?"

"All the more reason he should repent today, lest he die tomorrow" (Shabbat 153a).

Two guides to Repenting

"The repentant sinner should strive to do good with the same faculties with which he sinned.... With whatever part of the body he sinned, he should now engage in good deeds. If his feet had run to sin, let them now run to the performance of the good. If his mouth had spoken falsehood, let it now be opened in wisdom. Violent hands should now open in charity.... The trouble­maker should now become a peacemaker" (Rabbi Jonah Gerondi, thirteenth century).

"It is told that once there was a wicked man who committed all kinds of sins. One day he asked a wise man to teach him an easy way to repent, and the latter said to him: 'Refrain from telling lies.' He went forth happily, thinking that he could follow the wise man's advice, and still go on as before. When he decided to steal, as had been his custom, he reflected: 'What will I do in case somebody asks me, "Where are you going?" If I tell the truth, "To steal," I shall be arrested. If I tell a lie, I shall be violating the command of this wise man.' In the same manner he reflected on all other sins, until he repented with a perfect repentance" (Rabbi Judah ben Asher, fourteenth century).

Maimonides on Repentance

"What constitutes complete repentance? He who is confronted by the identical situation wherein he previously sinned and it lies within his power to commit the sin again, but he nevertheless does not succumb because he wishes to repent, and not because he is too fearful or weak [to repeat the sin]. How so? If he had relations with a woman forbidden to him and he is subsequently alone with her, still in the throes of his passion for her, and his virility is unabated, and [they are] in the same place where they previously sinned; if he abstains and does not sin, this is a true penitent" (Mishneh Torah, "Laws of Teshuva," 2:1).

Making Amends & Forgiveness

The Lessons of Yom Kippur

In the Jewish tradition of midrash, there is the expression "davar akheyr," which means "another thing," a story. Rabbis have always told stories as a central part of their teaching. So today, I will tell you a story.

It's not my story. But I can relate. Instead, it's a true story from one of my very favorite storytellers, Anne Lamott. This one comes from her book Traveling Mercies. I've abridged it just a little, but it's called "Forgiveness."

****
The fruit of forgiveness. Annie says that God was trying to tell her, trying to point out that if she could just step back and allow a little forgiveness into her way of seeing, things would change. It's like that, though, forgiveness. Usually, we have to be forced to give it a try. But whenever we do, for whatever reason we might do it, things change. They always change. Oh, other people might not change. But we change. Our experience of the world changes. Our way of seeing changes. Our heart changes.

Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement in the Jewish tradition, is the last chance to make things right with God for the year, the last call to enter into right relationship with God before the Shofar is sounded and the year ends and God closes the Book of Life. However, it is important to consider that Yom Kippur is the seal of the work of the people for the year - the atonements made on Yom Kippur are directed to reconcile oneself, and the Jewish people, with God. Yom Kippur does not and cannot make amends between human beings, and human beings out of relationship with one another cannot properly enter into whole and healed relationship with God. So before Yom Kippur, you must go to your neighbor and make amends. You must seek forgiveness, and you must offer forgiveness.

In one of the earlier readings, Marianne Williamson pointed out that one of the basic elements in any 12-step healing process is to identify, understand, and confess where you have damaged yourself and others, and to make amends where possible. This is a scary step for many people. It is the painful, difficult work of accepting responsibility for your actions. None of us are perfect, and yet even knowing this, we find it so difficult to say "I was wrong. I made a mistake. I did this harm. I am sorry. What can I do to make this right again?"

I remember one time not so long ago when I apologized to someone for a mistake, for a harm I had done. The response given to me was, "Yeah, you should be sorry!" I had offered the apology in front of several other people. I had offered the apology even though the conversation had been initiated because I had felt that damage had been done to me and a community I cared about. Yet I took that first step and said "I'm sorry," only to be responded to with a hostile "Good."

My anger was intense. It flushed my face and I knew I needed to excuse myself and recover or else I would add nothing but negativity to anything that happened after. I took a break. I talked myself over the shock, pain and insult. It was real. It is very hard to take a risk only to be rebuffed. It's even harder to say sorry first to someone you believe has harmed you, only to meet with more insult or injury.

But I stayed away long enough to calm myself down and remember that I had not apologized in order to get someone to do something I wanted. I had not apologized in an attempt to have another person do the same in mere reciprocity. I had said I was sorry because I believe in the healing that comes from taking responsibility for making amends, regardless of what other people do. If I had said "sorry," and the other person had said "sorry" back because it was the "thing to do," we might have achieved, at best, what has been called by some theologians "cheap grace." Like two children on a playground who have been fighting, whose mothers stand behind them with threats of withheld treats or room restrictions and demand the sullen "sorry" /"sorry" that comes from their mouths, apologies are meaningless unless offered with respect for what an apology means. It means, "mea culpa" - I recognize I have done wrong."

Now, it happens that after I excused myself, the person who was so ungracious in response to my apology recognized the impoliteness of the response, or perhaps this person saw the rush of emotions that overwhelmed me and sidelined me, and something changed. It changed between us. My apology had caused me to change, though not easily. It reminded me of where I was going, what my values were. And between this person and myself, it was a call to be more aware of feelings and one another's humanity, in all the pluses and minuses that involves.

It would be a wonderful end to the story if I could say that everything resolved happily after that. It didn't, really, for lots of complicated reasons, just like real life. But one thing I can say with joy is that it was a part of doing what I could do to make a healing possible. It was a reminder that just because I am brave enough to look at myself and try to make amends or do better, it doesn't mean that work will be easy. Accepting your faults, forgiving yourself, committing to doing better is a way to heal yourself. Full healing of a relationship requires at least two people.

I have preached before on forgiving other people. Annie Lamott's metaphor, "not-forgiving is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die," is so very right on target. Forgiving others heals us.

Marianne Williamson made an aside comment in her reading earlier. She pointed out that it's easier and much more tempting to catalogue the sins of others rather than look to ourselves. "Why do you point out the speck in your brother's eye, while overlooking the beam in your own?" the Bible tells us Jesus said. Well, to be honest, because it's more pleasant. It gives me that little jolt of superiority. It's definitely much more comfortable.

Spending our time investigating and pointing out the beams in others' eyes is spiritually damaging. It is related quite directly to another Biblical injunction: Judge not, lest ye be judged. There are those who hear that and think it means, "Don't judge other people or God will judge you." I don't cotton to that, myself. Among many other problems, such as the anthromorphism and personalism imbedded in the theology, it is terribly arrogant - God will base God's behavior on what I do. Hmmm.

No, I have always preferred the interpretation that Jesus was getting at quite a basic psychological truth: that if we are judgmental, we will experience the world as judging. Human beings have a strong tendency to assume that other people think as we do, make decisions using the same criteria as we do, and many other related assumptions. In psychological terms, we "project" our own insecurities and concerns, our faults and sometimes our best aspects, out onto other people. Therefore, if Jesus said "judge not, lest ye be judged," he was stating a relational fact and an important call to spiritual discipline.

Richard Carlson has a chapter in his Don't Sweat the Small Stuff titled "Resist the Urge to Criticize." In it, he says:

"When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical. If you attend a gathering and listen to all the criticism that is leveled against others, then go home and consider how much good all that criticism actually does to make our world a better place, you'll probably come up with the same answer I do: ZERO! But that's not all. Being critical not only solves nothing; it contributes to the anger and distrust in our world. After all, none of us likes to be criticized. One reaction to criticism is to become defensive and/or withdraw. A person who feels attacked is likely to do one of two things: retreat in fear or shame, or attack and lash out in anger. How many times have you criticized someone and had them respond by saying, "Thank you so much for pointing out my flaws. I really appreciate it"?"

Being Critical and judgmental of others often is an important signal to us to look within. There are some telling bon mots about forgiveness: W. Somerset Maugham said "People will sometimes forgive the good you have done them, but seldom the harm they have done you." Joseph Roux commented, "The folly which we might ourselves have committed is the one we are least ready to pardon in another." So it is indeed an important call to turn back and see what amends you might need to make, yourself.

Quite often, the Ann Landers and Annie's Mailboxes of the world deal with the age-old question: I had an affair. I feel guilty. Do I confess? The most common answer to that question, in advice column wisdom, is "no." Why would that be? Shouldn't we confess and make amends?

In 12 step programs, the whole idea of admitting fault and making amends is predicated on one important caveat: that the admission of harm and attempt to make amends not inflict more pain, harm, or suffering on the injured party. In the case of undisclosed infidelity, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as disease or pregnancy or something equally damaging, the revelation is considered by many to inflict harm, not to promote healing. Sometimes, we must atone on our own. We must not ask others to forgive us; we must determine how to forgive ourselves and change. The amends one makes when confession is not the right course of action have to do with that change. In the case of a one-time infidelity ,for example, the confession would cause further harm but the amends are still needed. The amends lie in not again violating the sanctity of the love relationship to which you have committed. Of course, this answer is not the right one for all people in all situations. There are of course many times when confession is very much a part of what needs to happen before healing can truly take place.

A confession. We have so many negative connotations with that word. For non-Catholics, confession tends to conjure up images of crime and punishment. It's no wonder we don't gravitate toward it willingly, as individuals or as a group.

In an earlier reading, Marianne Williamson suggested openly that the U.S. has a need to heal through the practice of confession and atonement. In a proud country, this is even harder. Yet the lessons of other countries and even our own history tell an interesting story, one worth considering.

Take South Africa, post-apartheid, for example. A significant component of laying the civil war to rest lay in the creation of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. The Commission adopted the understanding that the greatest healing would come from these considerations: first, that uncovering the truth about atrocities and injuries that occurred during apartheid was a central component of healing; that truth would not be able to be found without the co-operation of the perpetrators; and finally, that the hatred and retribution had to begin to end with one side or the other, and the new South African government under Mandela decided to try taking the high road in that effort.

I'm sure it's not hard to see how difficult that was and still is. For an injured people to say, "We will forgive" without having even been asked? With no clear evidence of repentance on the part of their abusers? As a woman in South Africa said not too long ago:

"Reconciliation after war and a hideously grotesque pattern of gross violations of human rights is a matter of creating peace in the present, and of sustaining peace in the future...In and of itself, no Truth Commission can create reconciliation. Much less can a Truth Commission create peace. However, they do create conditions which make reconciliation and peaceful coexistence possible... The TRC has made it possible for the citizens of this country to begin to understand why people participated in such grotesque actions, and it has made clear what must be done to prevent such things from happening again...This was accomplished [by the TRC choosing] to work with a restitutive, rather than a retributive concept of justice." (From "Harrowing the Ground so That Others May Build," by Colleen Scott,

SOURCE

It is important that we recognize that not everyone feels that confession and amnesty, in the pursuit of truth, is adequate response to the crimes committed. And to simply state that everyone who committed a crime during apartheid was acquitted unconditionally if they confessed to the TRC would be an improper and grossly inaccurate simplification of the process. But the story of the TRC, or the national atonement courses that Germany has pursued since the second World War are important models for what nations can do to take responsibility and work toward healing through making amends.

No person, no community, no region nor country is innocent. It is not possible. If I said, slavery, or the genocide programs directed at Native Americans or the interment of Japanese Americans or pre-emptive bombing or any of a number of other activities which our country has engaged in, the question emerges: have we atoned? Do we still need to make amends? Have we healed, is it possible to heal from grievous civic wounds without confession and atonement, without making amends? One thing I will say for sure: I believe we should talk about it. Talk about it openly and honestly. Consider it, argue it, understand how we can avoid making the same mistakes in the future as we have in the past.

On Yom Kippur, observant Jews accept their failings as a people. In the services, the response is "we have done wrong," not "I have done wrong." The Day of Atonement is a time set aside for saying "We are together. Where one has sinned, we all have sinned, for You have offered us into the care of one another." Individuals Jews come together for a day of fasting and prayer, with the understanding that they have already done their personal amends-making and now is the time for the people to reconcile with their God.

It seems to me much in line with what we've reflected on together so often - that willingness to neglect neither the individual nor the community. We should consider personal atonement and national atonement. Not just the U.S. Every nation. I speak only for the U.S. because this is my country. I am a part of this land, and I feel responsible for what we do as a nation. I don't sleep easy at night, dismissing the actions of my government as "other." We are not other. The U.S. is us.

Robert Kennedy said,

"Ultimately, America's answer to the intolerant man is diversity, the very diversity which our heritage of religious freedom has inspired."

I believe that this same diversity, which pulls us in many directions, is what can help us find the best way to pull together and to ask forgiveness of one another, to offer forgiveness to one another, to build a foundation strong enough to see us into a better future.

In closing, I offer this: there is true healing in accepting that we all make mistakes, large ones and small ones. There is no honor, no grace, no worthiness in denying or hiding our flaws and misjudgments. There is power and strength in being brave enough to say, "I have erred. I will do better."

May your name be inscribed in the Book of Life for another year. Shalom.

2003 D. Audette Fulbright, Roanoke VA.