Hygienist: You're going to have to pay for the appointment regardless of whether you open your mouth, so you may as well just do it and get it over with.
Me: (mumbling through gritted teeth) I'm embarrassed, my breath is so bad today. I brushed my teeth like five times and I can't get it to go away.
Hygienist: What did you eat last night? Sometimes if you eat garlic, or something like...
Me: No, it wasn't what I ate. It was a dream.
Hygienist: What??
Me: You know when you have a dream that you're eating like, dirt or dogshit or something, then you wake up and your breath smells like dirt or dogshit or whatever you were eating in your dream?
Hygienist: No.
Me: Yeah you do. You know, it's like if your underpants creep up into a wedgie while you sleep, you dream that you have a poop that's stuck halfway out?
Hygienist: No.
Me: Yeah you do.
Hygienist: Just open your mouth.
Me: No.
Hygienist: Then go home.
Me: (mumbling) Muh bref schml lk pushe
Hygienist: No idea what you just said.
Me: (SIGH!) My breath smells like pussy.
Hygienist: ...
Me: I wasn't eating pussy though.
Hygienist: ...
Me: I like girls, but... for friendship.
Hygienist: (blank stare)
Me: It was a dream... I had a dream.
Hygienist: Stop. Okay. You had a lesbian dream last night, and this morning your breath smelled like a woman's vagina.
Me: OF COURSE on the morning I have a cleaning, I wake up with pussymouth. Isn't that always how it is though? Murphy's Law, I'm telling you. Haha! Right?
Hygienist: I'm inclined to believe it's the bad breath that causes the dream that explains the bad breath to your subconscious mind, not the dream that causes the bad breath. Are you listening to me? Becky? No, it's... give that to me... it's not time to kiss the suction wand yet.
Me: I'm doing it for you, to suck out all the bad smell.
Hygienist: Don't worry about me. I want to hear more about you. Who's the lucky dream lady?
Me: It was... it was me.
Hygienist: You went down on yourself?
Me: Yeah. I didn't fold in half or anything, it was a whole other me. So...
Hygienist: Well that's good. The other way would be creepy.
Me: Yeah. I've never seen anyone else's vagina up close, so I had to play both roles. I wasn't into it though, I only did it because I didn't want to say no and hurt my feelings. And I wasn't any good at it, but I didn't want to stop myself because...
Hygienist: You didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Me: I know how sensitive I can be sometimes.
Hygienists: So, to be clear, what you're saying is, you dream pity-fucked yourself last night, and now, as a result, your mouth smells like your vagina.
Me: Yes.
Hygienist: And...I'm about to put my hands in this mouth that, by your own admission, smells like your own vagina. I'm about to know what your vagina smells like, because it will be all over my hands.
Me: Yeah. Weird, huh? First me with the unwilling auto-cunnilingus dream, now you, the unwilling cleaner of vagina mouth. Totally came full circle. Circle of Life.
Hygienist: No, it's not really the circle of life.
Me: The irony of it all.
Hygienist: No. Not ironic. Tragic, yes.
Me: I'm just glad this is out in the open. I feel a lot better. Do you feel like we've bonded kind of? I do. I'm totally gonna facebook friend request you later today. Let's get started! You ready? (opens mouth, settles in)
Hygienist: (latex gloves snap, goggles snap, surgical mask snap)
Me: Hey. Cmere. Besties? (holds out pinky for bestie pinky-link, waits. waits. waits...) Besties?
Besties?
(hopeful eyebrows)
Besties?
Okay. You look pretty busy, we'll seal the deal later.
57 comments:
Hygienist: You're going to have to pay for the appointment regardless of whether you open your mouth, so you may as well just do it and get it over with."
this is awesome, because you can just take out 'for the appointment' and retract '..open your mouth' and replace it with most anything and it is true. like:
'you're going to have to pay for this wether you talk to your husband or not, so you may as well do it and get it over with'
or
'...wether you discipline your kid...'
or
'...wether you wear underwear...'
jesus! as a hygienist myself, i always wish for interesting conversations like that. but nooo, it's all "we took the kids to disneyland" like i give a shit.
also, this whole "you're going to pay regardless," i call bullshit. we charge for services rendered (nudge nudge, wink wink). unless it's different where you are. i think she was manipulating you by twiddling your wallet.
That must have been one hell of a dream cuz my laptop suddenly smells like a vagina. There was a small whiff of vag when your blog popped up on my sidebar. Then when I clicked on your link, it was like wet panties flying off. I have to go wash my hands now.
I had a dream like that once, except it was me pity-fucking me, but then I walked in and got so mad at myself for fucking me. Like, don't I have any standards? So then I had to have a long talk with myself, and it was SO awkward to have me there listening.
Props to you, though, for explaining it to your dental hygienist. I never would have been brave enough to explain why my mouth smells like vagina. Or semen, which has happened. My dental hygienist was all "why does your mouth smell like you just blew someone?" I was all "I don't know what you're talking about. I definitely didn't do that ten minutes before this appointment."
...although I DID have tacos for lunch...
My old hygienist was convinced I was a pot head based on my lower teeth plaque. apparently you get pot build up on your lower teeth?
I'm not cool enough to be a pot head, but no amount of denying it could change her mind.
I should have just gone along with it. There would have been one person on this planet that thought I was a rebel pot smoker. Sigh.
So, maybe this is awkward, but...if you ever decide to, you know, join the Sapphic Sisterhood, could I be first in line?
Maybe?
Ahhh... thank you so much for delivering my much needed laugh of the day. You have a witty dental hygienist, and the sheer fact that he/she proceeded with the exam is definite professionalism that I admire. You both win in my book.
I bet you're just being modest. You were probably the best you've ever had, right?
I'm always trying to get people to kiss the suction wand.
That's code. (*wink*)
That was totally hilarious, as were some of the comments! I loved, "you were the best you ever had, right?"
You=genius. Thanks for the best laugh I've had all week. I'm totally going down on myself tonight. In my dreams, I mean. I'm not that limber.
btw, was it good for you? And you? Because if not? That is the true irony.
Does that mean your toothbrush smelled like your vagina too? I mean, you smelled it, right?
Too funny! This is the fourth "dentistry" related post I've read today (mine being one of them) and wonder: is September Tooth Awareness Month?!
Pearl
man, i wish it had been the bending over version of self pleasure because that would have been pretty funny too. i was admiring your dream flexibility for a minute there.
Yet another reason for me to be afraid of the dentist. I may have vagina mouth and not even know it because I never remember my dreams. It wasn't the dinner I had last night!
You should know: This isn't the way your hygienist tells it on HER blog...
I like girls for friendship, too.
*wink*
Totes sending you a toaster. You've earned it.
You should totally practice your technique on edible items so you're prepared for your next autoerotic dream! Try mangoes. Or gyros.
You know, even if the other person in the dream didn't look like you, it would still be you. All persons in your dream are you, just different aspects of you. I'm related to a dream interpreter, is how I know.
First off, I wish I was not compelled to read 3/4 of your posts to my husband, and I also wish I were able to read through them without crying from laughing so hard. I also would like you to know that my husband inevitably says, after such a reading, "Wait. Who is this? Is this that girl with the booger wall!?!?!" and I have to wipe my eyes and mutter YES.
Booger girl.
I completely forgot why my mouth smelled like cock today.
Thanks a lot, Becky.
Now I'm never going back to sleep.
You kill me!
I have to go to the dentist on Tues... You just know I'm going to start laughing hysterically at the worst possible moment now:p (McGoo)
There's nothing sadder than a pair of hopeful eyebrows that are left waiting for the approval that never comes.
Uncle Loodis says:
Oh Becky, we always knew you were a cunning linguist.
All I have to say is your hygienist is pretty damn cool. 'Cause that's not really a normal teeth cleaning conversation. Just sayin.
That hygienist was pretty eager to get into your mouth, which you told her smelled like your own vagina, so pretty much she just wanted to smell your pussy. Pretty ballsy of her to act like YOU'RE the weird one.
Banzai!!!
Very funny stuff!!!
And today I am Pearl Harboring Bloogers I find entertaining in the hopes that they will retiliate!!!
Shameless self promotion here http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/
Banzai!!!
Very funny stuff!!!
And today I am Pearl Harboring Bloogers I find entertaining in the hopes that they will retiliate!!!
Shameless self promotion here http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/
Did you offer yourself any tips or were you worried that that might hurt your feelings as well. Communication is very important.
Good thing your hygienist wasn't a lesbian. She might have tried giving you mouth-to-mouth at this point.
I hope you respected yourself in the morning young lady.
So your walk to the dentist was actually the walk of shame?
So who's your dentist? Because your hygienist is way cooler than mine. I just hear about her horses and kids and shit, and she always asks me questions right before she sticks her hands in my mouth. She's a boring, passive-aggressive bitch, is what I guess I'm saying.
My dreams tonight are going to center around you two "sealing the deal" with your new bestie. If it's all the same to you, it's going to involve minty fresh whipped cream, k? You know, two birds, one vagina.
The more I continue to think about this, the more confused my subconscious gets about where the toothbrush goes.
This can only end badly.
The dreaded pussy mouth. Who can please you better than you? Not you by the sounds, sigh. May be a lost cause for the big O my god, where's the dental hygienist putting that thing now??
This made me think of THAT scene in "Silence of the Lambs" where Buffalo Bill is doing the "lady" thing in the mirror and says "I'd do me!"
But at least you like yourself that much, even if it was out of pity.
I wish my trips to the dentist were half this interesting. I guess I should go down on myself more often.
After reading your post and all the hilarious comments, I don't even have a funny comeback...your blog kills me...but in the good way...!
"I like girls, but...for friendship." lol
I'm pretty disappointed I didn't go into dental hygienistry now.
It's kinda like the hygienist finger banged your mouth. Or gave you an oral pap smear. I like it.
dude, my pussy has the WORST breath. i think it has a lot to do with all that cat food he eats tho.
dios mio that underwear thing totally happens to me all the time. I feel so relieved I'm not the only one.
This is why I don't go to the dentist.
One question...where the hell do you get your teeth cleaned? The only thing I can get out of my hygienist is a Hi, Open, Close, Regular or Flavoured, Bye...I'm having hygienist envy.
I can only second bitethebedbugs' comment. This is just another reason I don't go to the dentist.
Meh. I'll just get all my teeth replaced with false ones when I get old, anyway...
I think if any of the hygenists at my dentist's office heard anything like that, they're probably pass out. They all seem like prim, proper, upstanding ladies. Which creeps me out a little bit, because I don't understand why prim, proper, upstanding ladies would want to spend all day cleaning gunk out of people's teeth.
This is exactly the sort of conversation I want to have with my dentist after he gives me the gas mask. Any sooner than that and it would just be weird.
It would be payback because he's always talking about how sexy my mom is while he's got my mouth propped open. Not cool.
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I think you sufficiently creeped the dentist out.
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Things I learned about Becky today:
1. Not afraid to say provocative things to someone putting sharp objects in her mouth.
2. Funny as all fuck (still).
3. Stanky pussy.
The first porn I ever saw depicted a scene of a woman going down on herself, but herself was played by someone else. It was back in the day before CGI and of course, was on a porn budget.
My dog still smells like pussy, even after switching to non allergenic dog food. I'm pretty sure it isn't my pussy making him smell because we don't have that kind of relationship and my pussy smells like maple syrup. Maybe you were my dog in your dream. Do you resemble a Boston terrier in any way?
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