It is so easy to take Sachin Tendulkar for granted. He’s 191 not out against Australia. You see that and you think: “Of course he’s 191 not out against Australia. Why wouldn’t he be?”

The statistics are everywhere. Picking some pretty much at random, this was his eighth hundred in 15 Tests since the start of 2009 – a period in which he’s scored 1,735 runs at 86.75.

You set your own standards. People look at us, unshaven and half asleep and they think: “Of course he’s unshaven and half asleep. Why wouldn’t he be? I can’t tell from looking at him, but I assume he’s also locked himself out of his own house for the second time today.”

Tags: Sachin Tendulkar // 4 Appeals »

There is only one acceptable way to get a royal title: by going along with what everyone’s calling you because you can no longer be arsed explaining that Brian Lara’s the king, not you. Royalty through exasperated resignation.

Any other route to a title is flat-out wrong. If you self-apply some sort of royal nomenclature, you’re definitely a wrong ‘un, so we won’t be crying into our bacon and cheese Staffordshire oatcakes that Kings XI Punjab and Rajasthan Royals have been booted from the IPL

Tags: IPL // 12 Appeals »

Laurence Elderbrook is beginning his Odyssey and Laurence Elderbrook will return as king of Ithaca. After an unexpected issue with my flights, I instead opt to travel to Australia by ship, the way all the greats did.

The long hours during the trip give me plenty of time to practise, so I mime drives in the nude in front of the mirror. Devoid of my cream flannels, I still look immaculate.

I find the experience liberating and feel that my technique is improving rapidly. This can only be down to the lack of clothing. Clearly clothing hampers my movements. I make a note.

Later in the trip, I plan an evening of cricket with a couple of fellow passengers. They at first seem reluctant, but I eventually manage to persuade them. I laugh heartily when one chap’s wife says I have browbeaten her husband into it. She admires my keen debating skills. She admires me.

I prepare for the match as I would prepare for a crucial league fixture. I drink gin for several hours beforehand so that I’m good and limber when the time comes to bat.

Glen is bowling. Derek is fielding. I heft my bat from one hand to the other. It feels good. I feel good. Glen’s first ball is full and wide. I aim a drive, but fail to make contact.

I feel restricted. I disrobe.

With the air buffeting my downy pelt and the moonlight glistening on my taut adonis flesh, I am ready.

I launch another drive at Glen’s next ball, but the humid sea air has rendered the grip of my bat slippery. The bat soars into the air, describing a high parabola with its destination being over the side of the ship.

I throw back my head and let fly a huge, bestial roar before exploding from my position. As I throw myself headlong to take the catch, I feel a hand on my bare ankle, hauling me back.

I choose to allow several members of the crew to drag me back to my cabin by my armpits, departing the scene with the serene dignity afforded to only the very few. A crowd has gathered and every last person has a look of astonishment on their face. They admire my restraint. They admire me.

More Laurence Elderbrook

Tags: Laurence Elderbrook // 8 Appeals »

Rob Key’s on Twitter now. We knew we had to make contact, but we were painfully aware that we’ve spent the last three or four years being mental about him on the internet. This made the situation a little awkward.

We knew Rob had seen the greatest post of all time, so we asked him if he happened to have a website where he’d published weird pictures of us, saying it would make the situation easier for us if he had.

Rob said:

“Ha ha”

During a sleepless night, we considered this response at great length. It could mean three things.

1. Rob thought we were funny and expressed this using the words ‘ha ha’
2. Rob thinks we’re annoying and gave a shortened, sarcastic laugh using the words ‘ha ha’ rather than ‘ha ha ha’
3. Rob was talking to someone else

After many hours of deliberation, we have decided that Rob thought we were funny. Furthermore, we have also concluded that we are now, unquestionably, ‘best friends forever’.

Despite our BFF friendship status, Rob isn’t following us on Twitter which means that hopefully he won’t see these demented ramblings (unless one of you grasses us up).

Finding out that we write entire posts based on the words ‘ha ha’ might cripple his interaction with us somewhat.

Tags: Rob Key // 20 Appeals »

Our mum writes:

Had an early tea in preparation for the long journey to the ground (five minutes’ walk round the corner). Noticed in passing an excellent crop of sloes in the hedgerow – will know where to come if our own fall short for the gin in the autumn.

On arrival at the ground spotted some expensive ironmongery in the car park – must belong to the opposition. We were pleasantly surprised by the clubhouse, which had undergone elements of refurbishment since our last visit. Unfortunately, the improvements did not include the provision of cask ale so we reluctantly ordered a couple of pints of tasteless, over-chilled smoothflow.

During Davenham’s innings KC’s dad chatted with an old friend, left-handed batsman Keith. They were playing in the same team when KC was born. He tried to persuade KC’s dad to dust off his kit. Became peripherally aware that Grappenhall did not seem to be suffering from the absence of their opening bowler. On this occasion Wasim Akram was not really needed.

At the end of the match, we returned to the clubhouse. The opposition’s skipper held the door for me – nice bloke that Neil Fairbrother. The players then enjoyed home-made hotpot with beetroot and we headed for home as the sun set behind the sightscreen.

Tags: Match report // 8 Appeals »

Run chases are exciting. Why?

Some people think that run chases are exciting because there are fours and sixes, a target and an eventual victor. These people brought us one-day cricket in all its forms. These people just don’t get it.

Run chases are exciting because we care what happens.

Test cricket provides a plot

Twenty20 and 50-over cricket are basically ways of engineering a run chase without all that mucking about in the first innings. A run chase is guaranteed.

Unfortunately, there are no short cuts. It’s like a fight scene or a car chase in a bad action film. Shorn of context, it’s just stuff happening. Who gives a shit?

In a good film, the characters are introduced and a plot unfolds. You know why people want to achieve what they want to achieve and if done correctly, you should care whether they succeed or not.

Test cricket isn’t exactly like this, but there are similarities. The players are characters and over the long sessions, we get to know them. By having two innings a side, we also get to develop a narrative. It’s not scripted, but it’s all the more exciting for that.

Today, India chased down 216 and reached their target with one wicket to spare after 58.4 overs. Why was that better than chasing down the same total in a Twenty20 match for the loss of the same number of wickets?

There are about a million and one reasons. The main one is context.

Tags: India cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s // 24 Appeals »

A warm-up for the Ashes in the eyes of some of the Australians. A dying form of the game in the eyes of a few Twenty20 fans who think they see an inevitability about the spread of that format, despite it being ridiculously early days.

India v Australia Tests still have the power to bring down Cricinfo though. Nothing says ‘big deal’ quite like a Firefox tab that says “Loading…”

Tags: Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, India cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s // 14 Appeals »

India are right to persevere with spindly, lank-haired Rubik’s Cube swallower, Ishant Sharma, but of late it’s seemed a bit like a Care in the Community obligation rather than a forward-looking show of faith.

There comes a point where you’re not encouraging a player, you’re just putting him on a stage and telling him to dance with his trousers round his ankles. It seems like every time we’ve checked Sharma’s bowling figures in the last year, he’s taken no wickets and gone for six an over.

But lo, he’s just taken three Aussie wickets. The trousers are back on.

Tags: Ishant Sharma // 8 Appeals »

Despite the captain’s promise following my moment of triumph, I was not called upon to bat at three the following season. In fact, I was not called upon to bat at all.

Having spent the entire season resplendent in my cream flannels on the wrong side of the boundary, I decide to take stock. I speak to Mrs Elderbrook about my cricket career and see what advice she has.

Mrs Elderbrook says I should take the hint. She says that if a team’s happier to pick a wooden barrel than me on the grounds that it can be placed at fine leg where it might occasionally stop a four then maybe there’s a message in that.

I say that she is right, that all the greatest players lose form and that it is how you respond that matters. I thank her for her subtle wisdom and inform her that I am going to go to Australia to play grade cricket. I will claw my way back to glory.

Later on, the lady on the phone tells me the price of a flight to Sydney and I take the only option available to me. I throw back my head and let fly a huge, bestial roar, after which I bellow my credit card details at her.

Mrs Elderbrook looks on with a tear in her eye. She admires my restraint. She admires me.

More Laurence Elderbrook

Tags: Laurence Elderbrook // 9 Appeals »

We’ve written a piece for Cricinfo that has already been branded ‘a senseless attempt at trying to make people laugh’. You’ve got to take pride in earning comments like that.

It revolves around the things in the title of this post. We’ve been trying to work ‘handshakefulness’ into an article for a while now, so we’re quite pleased with it. Read it here.

Tags: King Cricket // 6 Appeals »