The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Christine O'Donnell is not a witch" has died after a brief but virulent spell. The Opinion, born of secular disbelief, was only a couple of weeks old when it was stricken with beguilement's dementia, a rare and fatal form of utter stupidity. In point of fact, O'Donnell is without a doubt one of the greatest witches ever to run for political office*, as evidenced by her wizardry in shrinking Sean Hannity down to the size of a wallet and smashing his face beneath her ass. Non-witches can't do that--they don't even try. (*Note: Ohio Representative Jean Schmidt is a banshee, not an actual witch).

The Opinion is survived by a host of ghoulish conspiracy theories, macabre insinuations, ad hominem poltergeists, sycophantic sorcery, corporate conjuring and one gaseous load of bilious voodoo...that you do...so well!

In lieu of flowers slap my ass and call me Sean Hannity!



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I am not a Northern Lady Part!

I received this email from someone claiming to be a fellow Confederate-American. I respond, below.



Dear Mr. Newport,

How dare you pretend to be a Confederate man, you ignorant pool of hog santorum. If you knew anything about our dear Confederacy, you'd have guessed the truth about my Burn the Confederate Flag Day operation. It was a covert op I ran for the Confederate Intelligence Bureau (CIB), an organization created in 2004 by the Constitutional Court of the Confederate States of America (Occupied). I was simply collecting intel for use on the The Great and Glorious Day of The Righteous Rogering.

Did you really think you could fool me? Your email bears all the marks of something written by a San Francisco hippy. I mean, my God, you wrote me a poem, and not just any kind of poem, but one of those filthy beatnik poems that don't rhyme and include whole stanzas that simply repeat the word "motherfucker" over and over gain. I had to rent bongos just to read the God damned thing.

Well, I'm telling you, poetry boy. You can stop dragging yourself through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry hick, because, by God, you found him, and he's hankering to kick your tye-dyed, clove-cigarette-smoking, birthday-party-stationary-using ass.

The truth is you don't have the right stuff to be a real Confederate, and you know it. That's why you're so angry. You know that you'll never be invited to our secret man-sword crossing parties, a sacred tradition we've been practicing since Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee first drunkenly struck their man-swords together at a party in Fredericksburg.

It's just something we don't share with secularist hippies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen, JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Dolly Parton "Played a Whore"

Pastor Marc Grizzard
Amazing Grace Baptist Church
Canton, NC

Dear Pastor Grizzard,

I love your plan to burn non-KJV Bibles, Books of Mormon, and other heretical works during your Halloween celebration, but your addition of Dolly Parton records makes it perfect.

There is no doubt in my mind that Dolly is a minion of Satan. I'm sure others will agree after reading your list of her sins:

Dolly covered Led Zeppelin's occultic song "Stairway to Heaven"...she also covered the atheistic song "Imagine" by the ungodly John Lennon.

She plays a whore in the "Best Little Whore House in Texas."...in her public life she dresses like a whore in exposing herself from top to bottom.

...as soon as you go into Dollywood you see Dolly exposing herself immodestly

She also owns Sandollar Productions, a film and television production company, which produced the Fox TV shows Babes and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina (1995 film). Both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina are full of witch craft and demonic teachings.

Breast-obsessed filmmaker Russ Meyer wanted to make movies about her 40DD breasts.

..Because of the size of her breast she has been invited into several songs in the 80s and 90s, one of them being "Talk Like Sex" by Kool G Rap and DJ Polo. It is obvious that Dolly Parton is wicked and goes against everything the Bible teaches.

It's those last two things that concern me most. A man gets to looking at Parton's breasts and all sorts of wicked thoughts pop into his head. You know what I mean--those secret thoughts all men have but never talk about.

We'll hear Parton singing "Jolene," and the next thing we know, we're strapping our man-breasts into a wonder bra and doing a little naked tucked-thingy dance in front of the mirror.

We've all been there. You're a man, I know you've done it too. The important thing is to ask the Lord for forgiveness afterwards, or better yet, ask him for forgiveness during the act, while you perform penance by spanking yourself with a big ol' spatula.

That's what I do. I spank my self silly for Jesus. There's nothing quite like looking into that mirror and seeing those spatula welts rise up on your "Call me, 'Jolene'" tattoo, especially if you're turned just right, so you also get a peek at your man flesh poking out of the side of your bra. It adds a little something to the punishment--puts it into its proper context and makes your thingy spring completely out of its tucked position.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Amazon Review: Chased by an Elephant

Update: Author's son is unhappy with my review.

It ain't easy being an author for The One True Church. Satan's minions are always gunning for you. That's certainly the case with Chased by an Elephant, an anti-homosexualist jeremiad written for Mormon children. Latter day Korihors are already attacking it in their blogs, and, as of now, I'm the only Amazon reviewer who gives it more than one star.

Please read my review. If you like it, please consider giving it your vote as "the most helpful favorable review." It'll give me a cushion should God command the Elders of Zion to write their own reviews.

Where are our General Authorities?, October 11, 2010

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Chased by an Elephant (Paperback)

Although I applaud the author's effort to teach homosexualist children to despise themselves, I'm disappointed she didn't bring in the Church's big guns. She should have given the Prophet, Apostles, and other LDS general authorities their own characters in this book.

Imagine how much more the children would have been traumatized if Elder Boyd K Packer had been portrayed as an angry old baboon screeching at anyone who stared a little too long at his big, blood-red "rameumptum." Heck, she could have even had him eat a little homosexualist spider monkey to make sure the kids understand just how much they're hated.

The author also missed an opportunity to expose the real-life wickedness of the world's most homosexualist animals. Sure, I suppose a pair of elephants might get into a little same-sex trunk action every now and then, but I don't think such acts have been observed by scientists, missionaries, or even home teachers. She should have gone with bonobos or penguins or, better yet, juvenile bighorn rams--they've been observed forming homosexualist herds and licking each other's secret parts. They're a perfect target for a good Elder Packer tongue lashing.

But then, it may be enough that the author provides us with way to instill such virtues as shame, self-loathing, hatred, and bigotry in our children. That's why I'm giving this book four stars in spite of its shortcomings.

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Pastor Steven L Anderson's Wife on Thingy-Chopping Hebrew Homosexualists

Zsuzsanna Anderson
Pastor's Wife

Dear Mrs. Anderson,

When I first heard about your husband's latest problems with the police, my first thought was they must be either sitzpinklers or Amish infiltrators who are angry at Pastor Anderson for threatening our secretly-Amish president. But now, after reading your latest Q&A at Are They All Yours, I'm wondering if the cops might be part of a Jewish thingy-chopping cabal that is trying to silence you and your husband.

I mean, heck, they can't be happy that you exposed their aardvark decapitation plot:

Historically, circumcising all males in America became common during World War II, when mostly Jewish doctors stayed behind from the war and advocated for it... The American trend toward circumcision was further fueled by a fascination for Judaism and Zionism, both of which are contrary to true Bible doctrine.

...Many, if not most hospitals sell the tissue for various uses, such as making cosmetics, stem cell research/cloning/animal-human-hybrids, and other perverted uses.

As I'm sure Rick Sanchez would agree, that's something the media would never report. They don't want us to know that Jewish doctors and scientistofascists are using foreskins to develop a race of kosher Christian babies.

Later in your Q&A, when asked about what you'd do if any of your children were homosexualists, you expose the link between homosexualism and being unJesused:

What would you do if you found out your child is a child molester or mass murderer? Homosexuals are on the same (or worse) level of depravity. I would be absolutely disgusted with them and not want to socialize with them any more than I would want to socialize with the other examples given.

But how likely do you think it is for your child to grow up and be a Hitler or a sex predator? Do you think raising such a monster would be avoidable if you did your job as a parent right? According to the Bible, only unbelievers can become homos, because they have rejected God and hate Him. In turn, God turns His back on them, and they become the dirty animals that they are because they are only following their wicked, perverted hearts.

Unfortunately, you don't go any further than that, but who is more unJesused than a Jew who is not Jesus? I'm surprised you didn't make that connection.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblical (KJV, of course) kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to reader LJP.

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Notes from a recent Rich Iott strategy meeting

Liberals attack legless teaparty candidate

Just when you thought the libislamunistofascists couldn't sink any lower, they attack a GOP teaparty congressional candidate, Rich Iott, for having no legs.



Update: Some readers are claiming that Mr. Iott has legs but is wearing camouflage pants. I don't see it.

Department of Book Reports

It's a rainy Saturday in Hoquiam, and what better way to spend the afternoon than in a warm bookstore?
The big news on this block are the new bricks installed in front of the 7th Street Theatre and the bookstore. This fundraiser has financed the neon candlestick style sign that will be done sometime next year.

Here's a walk through the new shop for our internet friends:


Nobel prize winner, Mario Vargas Llosa.


The fiction shelves.



Non-fiction & History.



350 display for Bill McKibben, and a chance to remind you to find an event near you for international 10-10-10 Day.



Of course we have Pirates!



Arts and entertainment.


Northwest and Local interest.



Science!










Our new address is 315 7th Street, so our name is changing a bit, to (Jackson Street) Books on 7th. The new phone number is 360-533-3157. Drop by and see us if you're in Hoquiam, or you can order any of the featured books at Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The One True God approves of Yoga" has died of complications arising from an acute case of pretzel logic. Born of the belief that various cultures around the world have cultural traditions that can be of benefit to others, it collapsed while stretching across the gulf that divides reason from belief in conservative Christianity. It leaves no known respite from the uptight, jaw-clenching, dogma-clutching religious jackalopes that denounced it, save the ability of its adherents to ignore church leaders who will say any fool thing at the drop of an epistle. Or to rephrase: the ones who keep Jesus on the cross are the ones who keep replacing the nails.

After an idyllic childhood of stretching and meditation in the mountains and plains of Northern India, the Opinion traveled the world and was integrated as a member of the family into a wide variety of cultures, sharing its message of a calm and measured approach to our bodies and minds, to our mystery and our place in the universe. Depicted as an arch-villain by men who insist that "The embrace of yoga is a symptom of our postmodern spiritual confusion, and, to our shame, this confusion reaches into the church." it is of little wonder that Satan himself does not assume the pose of a yogi, and relax his breathing, to find an inner stillness where the self is irrelevant in the sea of all-consciousness. A blissed-out devil is no way to keep a tension-reliant belief system at the top of its game, no how! No good Christian prays for Satan to be released from his role as Bad Guy in Chief--gotta have a bad guy or there is no Christianity! And we certainly can't have enlightened people running around--it makes the rest of us look bad.

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you let go of attachment, seeking not the garden without but finding instead the garden within, where the monsters at the gates of Eden are merely your own fears: pay them no heed, smile and pass through to enlightenment. Seriously, Jesus would, like, totally meditate. Bet on it.

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Note: good, white Christians should denounce yoga, but do not denounce killing brown people, for this does not conflict with the core teachings of the bible. Like so many of the Tea Party members, often conservative Christians themselves, it is understood that billions of dollars may be given to war profiteers and malignant corporatists and not an eyebrow shall be raised up, or an utterance of protest be sounded, for these acts are in accord with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, the Prince of Peace. Amen.

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