MEMO to Islamic Extremists
MEMO
Attn: Extremist Islamic Folk
You all need to chill out! It’s sweet that you take your religion seriously, but tone down the hyper-violent rhetoric a notch or three. If the rest of us wanted to witness religious-inspired murder, we’d subscribe to Netflix and watch The Tudors.
So if it’s cool, we want to run a few thoughts past you, as we believe these are VERY IMPORTANT for the well-being of all involved.
a). Comedy is subjective. Sure, not everyone is going to find South Park, The Daily Show, or Sean Hannity funny, but there is certainly an audience for them. We get that you’re protective of Muhammad’s image, but you can’t poke fun at Catholics, Mormons, Teabaggers, or Lutherans and not expect some of the zings to head back your way. That is simply how humans react to being goofed on.
b). Embrace the love more than the hate. You’re not Mississippi Republicans; you’re a part of Islam! Many good things have come out of your efforts and the Middle East; like oil, and those dates (Mmm, fruit), and, of course, oil.
c). Finally, if you absolutely must remain radicalized and consumed with anger, it is imperative that before you strap on a suicide bomb for the general public, you first head out to a barren field and run through a full “dress rehearsal” on your terrorist act. Again, this practice run is to include the actual detonation and to be performed far, far away from everyone else.
Sincerely,
The Entire Rest of Humanity
Dear Iceland,
Dear Iceland,
Yeah, hi. We’re sorry for our pissy attitudes, but what’s with this pain-in-the-ass volcano of yours and its beyond-ridiculous name? Eyjafjallajokull? Are you fucking effing with us?!
It’s bad enough that your ash-spewing, liquid-hot magma oozing volcano has pretty much disrupted the entire northern hemisphere, but adding insult to injury is that utterly unpronounceable name!
We realize you people must be too cold too often, but Eyjafjallajokull has three J’s in it. That’s three J’s!!! That’s even more than Jeremiah Johnson has in his name. And if that weren’t enough, you Bjork-loving nutters want an-effing-umlaut over the o? Foock that! We ain’t dooing it.
You can either have three J’s and no umlaut, or one umlaut and fewer J’s. We’re so not cool with both.
You have to think about what we’re all going through; from our cancelled flights and stranded passengers across Europe, to the ash and micro-particles coating our ever-blackening lungs. Now you economy-crashing lunkheads expect us to try to pronounce a word that can actually dislocate your tongue?! Most people have a tough enough time saying cacophony or nuclear.
Anyway, as long as your volcano is going to keep effing things up for so many folks, can you at least rename it something a little more digestible? Like “Icelandic Volcano” or “Mount Saint Helen’s, Jr.”?
Give it some thought, woon’t you?
Irritated,
IKEA
Dear Toyota,
Dear Toyota Executives,
Shame, shame on you fat-cats for hiding problems and ignoring warnings in the name of making larger profits!
Does safety and the preciousness of human life mean nothing to you greedy bastards?
It’s time, once and fer all, that you money-grubbers come clean and do the right thing!
Disgustedly Yours’,
Coal Mine CEOs & Owners
MEMO to the Grand Old Phonies
MEMO
Attn: G.O.P.
Um, Conservatives? We understand that when any politician, or political commentator speaks, there’s a good chance that he or she is talking out of both sides of his or her mouth (or his or her ass, for that matter). But you lying douches have lost all shame, and frankly, you’ve gotten really, really bad at spewing your bullshit.
Are you not even paying attention to what you’re saying or doing anymore?
Let’s cover some talking points, shall we?
1). You don’t get to claim that Republicans are the party of “Family Values” when your most vocal leaders are a drug-addled former DJ (Rush Limbaugh), an opportunistic-hungry former Governor who got knocked-up before getting married (Sarah Palin), and the right-hand man of Lucifer himself (Dick Cheney).
Republican folks don’t make up the party of values; they’re the folks who value bondage parties! They’re not any more Pro-Life than Democrats, despite their constant wailing to the contrary, considering more abortions are actually done annually in Red States. And the percentage of divorces among conservatives is just as high as it is with liberals; which just proves the point that marriage is an equal-opportunity failure, regardless of which box you ink.
And unless Hate is a family value, then the GOP is full of bologny here, too. You cannot claim to love America when you despise more than half of Americans living here, including liberals and gays. Hell, your previous RNC Chair (Ken Mehlman) was a closeted homosexual! The current Chair (Michael Steele) is a closeted Muppet, but that’s an argument for another day…
2). You don’t get to claim that you’re a big believer in “letting the free-market decide” when your last “leaders” (Bush & Cheney) initiated under Hank Paulson the largest financial bail-out in the history of the United States.
3). You don’t get to claim that Republicans are aghast at the lack of bi-partisanship from Democrats, when the nano-second Obama won the Presidential election your people sent out a memo detailing a Scorched Earth Policy against every single thing Obama may want to try to accomplish.
4). You don’t get to keep pretending you hate the “mainstream media” when Fox *News is the biggest tool you hypocrites have in your political shed! The fact that Fox *News has been the most popular cable news channel since before George Bush had gray hair is a testament to just how truly mainstream they are.
5). And you don’t get to claim that Hollywood is the enemy of America when the GOP’s biggest hero is a mediocre actor who worked for years in Hollywood, shitting out movies and sequels with an effing monkey!
Regardless of how much you dislike the liberals, you cheese-dicks are paid big-ass salaries to move America forward and to help the average American (not just the wealthy ones) achieve his or her dream. So shut the F up and start doing some actual work!
Seriously, We Are Watching.
November Voters
Dearest Pope Benedict (Arnold),
Dear Pope Bendadick,
Sorry about that typo, I meant Benedict. I’m still kinda stuck in the dark ages when it comes to mastering the latest in technology. Though I have finally learned how to use call-waiting, so that’s pretty neat.
Anyway, speaking of the dark ages, you and I need to talk. This whole shuffling around by you and your fellow cardinals of a bunch of pedophile priests has really come to a boiling point, and truth be told, I can’t have your back on this one, Ben. Back when you were simply known as Cardinal Nazinger, er, Ratzinger, you allegedly moved around some kiddie-fiddling priests in hopes that a scandal would not cum of it, but that’s really not the point – and you, me, and The Big Guy Upstairs all know it!
As a Man-of-God, it is your job – your sacred duty – to protect the innocent. Instead, you looked to protect the scum that harmed them, and then made things infinitely worse by relocating said scum to new areas where they could once again pray, er, prey, on more innocent children. This is not cool, Pope. Now I know you had a rough childhood, hanging out with your fellow Hitler Youth and spreading the word of da Fuhrer, but you have to shake off your own crappy decisions and focus on the those who weren’t given a choice, say like, deaf boys who were taken advantage of by priests who had all the self-control of Jeffrey Dahmer and Dick Dastardly.
And now to publicly dismiss the cries of these victims as “petty gossip,” is once again, not cool. Claiming to have been molested by a priest is not an example of petty gossip. Saying Pat Robertson and Tim LaHaye like to dress up as Laverne and Shirley while reading the Left Behind books, that’s an example of petty gossip.
What you need to do, Benny the XVI, is knock off the politicking, the lies and spin, and do WHAT IS RIGHT for the genuinely faithful. To do otherwise is traitorous against those who truly have an unflinching faith in God. The Vatican needs to stop acting like the GOP and help those who need it most and do whatever it can to ease their emotional pain. At the very least, say you’re sorry and fill their wallets. Maybe offer them a lifetime of complimentary Hail Marys.
Remember, Dad sees all, and when you come right down to it, He ain’t fooled by any of us. Trust me, I know. My teenage years were a real bitch…
Now go get your sh*t together. Meantime, I’m gonna work on figuring out how to Twitter.
With Deep Sincerity,
J. Christ
That’s So Not Cool, Jesse James
Dear Jesse James,
Really, dude? You’re cheating on an Oscar winner with “The Illustrated Skank”? Seems like a bad choice, brah. Look, we get it – mixing it up is what guys do. On a base level, we totally understand. Kinda…
But still, Sandra Bullock is a bright, good-looking woman who possesses a great sense of humor (she did make The Blind Side), and is now an Oscar winner for Best Actress. Yet your antics with that white-power Amish chick have totally overshadowed your wife’s high-point in her acting career. You understand that for an actor the ultimate sign of success is winning an Academy Award, right? Sandra didn’t even get to enjoy her major moment for more than about three minutes because of your infidelity, ya’ greaser.
You’re a big custom car guy, right J.J.? Imagine you’ve worked really hard on your custom garage in Texas and some grateful patron rewards you with a 1958 Buddy Holly Chevy Impala in cherry condition. It’s yours’ to enjoy, and as soon as you open the door, you see Matthew McConaughey’s sweaty ass-stains all over the plush seat-covers. You’d be pissed, right? That’s what you’ve done to Sandra Bullock, chump. You’ve hurt and humiliated Miss Bullock , Best Actress, by being Jesse James, Biggest Douchebag…
And not that this is the point, but what’s with this creature you’ve been sleeping with? She looks like Betty Page’s retarded 2nd cousin. And between her B.S. statements and Nazi costumes, you’ve really picked a winner. You know who else makes wacky claims and posses in Nazi gear? Glenn Beck. You nail him, too?
In the end, you need to apologize about two-thousand times, stop trying to be so cool (you look like the aging janitor in Grease), lay off the retro-whores, and just be a good, loving family man. Work on those things, Jesse, and keep the rest of your focus on your cute, little automobiles.
Trust us on this. We know of what we speak.
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods, John Edwards, John McCain, Bill Clinton, Billy Crudup, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, A-Rod, Charlie Sheen, and Pastor Ted Haggard
MEMO to Karl Rove
MEMO
Attn: Karl Rove
Dear Sir,
Once again, congratulations on your memoir, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight”. We have all the copies we need, thank you.
However, there seems to be some confusion as to where your book should be placed, and our people are evenly divided on this. Does “Courage and Consequence” belong in the “humor” section or in “fiction”?
Regards,
Booksellers Everywhere
Shut Your Yap, Ahmadinejad!
Dear Mahmoud,
Thanks for weighing in on the horrible day that was 9/11 and for describing it as, quote, a big lie. It means so much to us that you’re thinking about America. Really, you’re very sweet. In fact, some of our friends from WeHo and Fire Island are thinking of having you over for drinks and videos.
But the problem with your “9/11 lie” statement is that it came from, well, you. See, Mr. Ahmadinejad, you yourself haven’t always done your best to embrace the truth. So it’s a little tough for us to accept your claims when some of your past proclamations include that there aren’t any homosexuals in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t actually occur.
Firstly, there’s no way your country’s leaders can be that conflicted about the progression of women in society and not have a few Friends-of-Dorothy skipping about. That and the fact that you personally keep your beard so neatly trimmed. And as for the Holocaust denial thing, we know you’re wrong about that because every single year the Oscars give out statues to pretty much any movie dealing with the Holocaust, or Jews in peril, and they wouldn’t do that without some kind of logical reasoning.
So when you get all uppity and say that 9/11 was quote, “a pretext for the war on terror,” we cannot help but challenge you on this. Every good, intelligent American knows that Cheney, Bush, and their political henchmen didn’t need September the 11th to justify heading for the Middle East. They would have gone into your neighborhood if the Oakland Raiders won another Superbowl, or if Naomi Campbell went six months without acting like a giant, spoiled bitch. They never needed 9/11!
On the plus side, it is good to hear you say that what happened on 9/11 was, in fact, actual terror. But it certainly wasn’t a “big lie.” A big lie would be something like saying the citizens of Iran love you, or that Dick Cheney was in the military, or that Doctor Laura hasn’t had any cosmetic work done. Those are big lies, Mahmoud.
So in the future, if you could simply refrain from talking about things you either don’t fully understand or aren’t fully prepared to admit, well, that’d be great. In the meantime, relax, scrap your borderline-psychotic quest for nuclear weaponry, and take in some American Idol or Mad Men. Seems like you’ve been working too hard and the pressure’s getting to you.
Best,
Stubborn Facts
Hey Dogwalkers Everywhere,
Hey Dogwalkers,
Next time you’re out strolling with Muffy, and the little beastie pinches a loaf on the sidewalk, how about you PICK UP AFTER IT!!!!
We just watched some poor bastard slide eight feet on one of Rover’s slimy, whiffy poops like he was riding a snowboard down a half-pipe. Guy ended up on his hip and smelling like Scooby-Doo’s taint!
Seriously, if you really think we like cleaning dog-shit from our Manolo Blahniks and Keds, then you’re dumber than your drooling, butt-sniffing mutts!
So for the last time, assholes, curb your dogs! Don’t make us go all Michael Vick on you lazy turds…
Royally Pissed,
P.E.T.S.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Shoes
What the hell, Sean Penn!?!
Sean,
What the hell, tough guy? What’s with all your attitude and resistance to allowing people to dictate how you live your life, and on their terms even?!
For you to go after that sweet, hard-working paparazzo; that’s just unfair and terribly elitist of you.
Nevermind the paparazzi invade people’s privacy and lack all respect for an individual’s personal space.
Forget that the paparazzi break traffic laws hourly throughout your city by running red lights, blowing through stop signs, double – and yes, triple – parking on public roads just so they can get a shot of Lindsay Lohan munching on a salad, or a sound-bite of Tila Tequila stringing three words together to form a simple sentence.
Nevermind the fact that many of these paparazzos come here illegally from both Europe and the Middle-East and work under the radar, therefore avoiding having to pay taxes or helping the very economy they feed off. If these paparazzi were Mexicans, congress would have an Amendment written up forcing them out of the country before you could say chimichanga!
Forget the point that the paparazzi make big money for douches like Harvey Levin who value their own privacy (closet, anyone?), yet have a total lack of respect for anyone else’s personal lives and families.
You, Sean Penn, are a hypocrite and a leftist leaning liberal – which means you must deserve both the paparazzi harassing you AND some kind of civil punishment for reacting like any sane human would when they’re pushed to their emotional brink.
Get your act together, Sir! You’re an embarrassment to your community.
Signed,
Justice
BTW – Loved you in Fast Times and I am Sam.
