(Editor’s note: Lore Sjöberg’s Alt Text column now runs every week. Look for Sjöberg’s humorous insights into geek culture every Friday on Wired.com.)
One thing I’ve learned from my years on the web is that people really care. Mostly they care about completely minor and inconsequential things, but at least their care glands are working, and that’s vital for endocrine health.
Today’s lesson in How To Care About Something Like a Geek is about poker chips, or, as nobody but Wikipedia calls them, “casino tokens.” If you’re living about four years ago, you’re probably really into Texas Hold ‘Em poker, and you may have thought about having a set of nice poker chips. You have to be careful, though, because if you pick the wrong set, some random guys on the internet will think the less of you.
To begin with, you must remember that everything in poker-chip marketing is a lie, or “bluff.” For instance, “clay composite” generally means “plastic,” and “real clay” generally means “clay composite.” Also, chips advertising “official casino weight” are lying to you and probably sleeping with your best friend behind your back. There’s no such thing as an official casino weight. Actual casino chips vary from about 8 grams to about 13 kilograms (the latter for use on the upcoming casino on Phobos).
Now that we’ve established that you are surrounded by lies and deception and there’s nobody you can trust for an instant, let’s go over your choices for chips.
Plastic-Ridge Chips
It used to be that there were only two kinds of poker chips: Real poker chips that actual casinos used and which you can’t get, ha ha; and cheapo plastic chips with little ridges around the edges. This prevented arguments and freed up time to discuss things like the best brand of Cuban cigars and where to get high-quality asbestos insulation. These days, users of plastic-ridge chips are seen not so much with disdain as with sentimental amusement, like a child wearing mommy’s high heels.
ABS Chips
It’s a general rule of geek snobbery that crappiness can be forgiven, but popularity cannot. Thus we come to the Britney Spears of the poker chip world, the chips made from acrylonitrile butadiene styrene, or ABS. These chips have the effrontery to be available in chain stores at reasonable prices, and worse yet they do a fine job for most purposes. Clearly, this must not stand. Every chip snob knows that ABS chips will kill you and everything you love, then slander your name in the press.
Metal-Insert Chips
These chips combine actual “clay” — which means some unnamed substance involving some amount of clay — with an embedded metal insert to bring the price down while keeping the weight up. Their major sin is that the metal insert sounds “clinky” being thrown into the pot. When you’re staring down someone flopping into the river or whatever the hell, the last thing you want is to be distracted by money that sounds like actual money.
Ceramic Chips
Ceramic chips, which of course are not ceramic, are weighty and durable, and often come with nice, full-color graphics embedded into them, so you can get fun “theme” poker sets like zombie poker chips and tiki poker chips. The images don’t wear down like labels, which is nice because the last thing you want is wear and tear on your zombies. It’s worth noting that some actual casinos use ceramic chips, but any true poker-chip snob knows that those sorts of casinos don’t really have their heart in it.
High-End Clay Chips
These are the sort of chips that James Bond would bet with, although he wouldn’t actually care what kind of chips he bet with, because he has better things to think about. They sound good, they stack well, and I’m told they pass through the digestive tract of a golden retriever with minimal damage to dog or chip, which is good because these things ain’t cheap. The nicest ones cost around $1.50 per chip. This means your $1 chips are actually worth more than face value. If I played with these chips, I’d be tempted not to cash out, just to piss off the owner. “Nah, I’m good,” I’d say. “I need coasters for my shot glasses.”
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to admit he made up the golden retriever thing. Please don’t feed poker chips to your dog, no matter how much he begs or threatens.
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