Unfortunately for lovers of fantasy epics, hairy feet and stories where dwarves are packed into barrels, Guillermo Del Toro has announced that he’s not going to direct the movie version of The Hobbit after all.
This is tragic. Upon leaving the theater after seeing The Return of the King for the first time, I imagine everyone was thinking the same thing: “Man, that was a freakingly long ending.” But after that they thought, “I can’t wait to see The Hobbit.” It seemed inevitable, and if Peter Jackson wasn’t going to direct it, then Del Toro was arguably the best alternative.
And now Del Toro has left the project. While the movie isn’t cancelled, it’s wandering aimlessly without a captain, like an abandoned ship or a poorly organized volleyball team. Where will we find a director capable of bringing J.R.R. Tolkien’s vision to life? Let’s consider the possibilities. What would happen if one of these well-known directors were hired to helm The Hobbit?
Tim Burton
Tim Burton’s grasp of magic and high weirdness is initially encouraging to fans, but doubt sets in when Johnny Depp is brought on to play Gandalf and decides to base his portrayal on eccentric celebrity Ozzy Osbourne. When Helena Bonham Carter is tapped to play Gollum, hopes take a dive, and the final product is praised for its bold use of color and shapes, but criticized for introducing a 10-minute dream sequence in which Bilbo is chased by a giant ring in a clown suit.
Terry Gilliam
The first stills to come out of the production are very promising, but Terry Gilliam’s famed bad luck comes into play when, over the course of a single week, a fire destroys the Smaug set, a flash flood wipes out Lake Town, Thorin Oakenshield develops spasmodic dysphonia, and the special-effects budget is cut to about half that of Big Momma’s House 3. The movie as released, while flawed and a commercial failure, nonetheless becomes a cult favorite among film students and fisheye lens salesmen.
George Lucas
George Lucas decides that this Lord of the Rings prequel is lacking a certain something, and changes the plot to be about Sauron’s early life as an adorable toddler caught in the middle of a continent-spanning dispute over water rights. Also, Sauron’s best friend is an orc with an exaggerated Mexican accent named Boopily Boodily Moop. The resulting film is a failure on every conceivable level, although somehow this doesn’t prevent Lucas from producing a related Cartoon Network series called Ultimate Ring Force.
Michael Bay
While the film is visually impressive, most viewers can’t recall Middle-earth being quite so explosion-prone in the books. In particular, the opening scene — in which Bilbo, instead of providing food and drinks for 13 dwarves, must escape from his shuddering, collapsing hobbit hole, diving from the exit just as Bag End goes up in a massive eruption of lava and stone — is singled out as being “somewhat over the top.” Every geek goes to see it, every geek hates it, and every geek goes to see it again just in case they didn’t hate it enough the first time.
Uwe Boll
The movie garners less criticism than any previous Uwe Boll film, mostly because at this point everyone’s given up on even watching Uwe Boll films. However, Uwe Boll himself goes to see it, and posts some minor criticisms on a web forum. When he reads his own comments, Uwe Boll becomes enraged and challenges himself to a bare-knuckled MMA match. The resulting video of Uwe Boll spending two hours beating himself up is a critical and commercial hit, providing Uwe Boll with his first and only Oscar, for Best Concussion Based on an Original Screenplay.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an Uruk-Hai, an Iroquois and an Uruguayan. He draws comics about fantasy RPG creatures at Speak With Monsters.
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