Wonkette

Oh, thank you, North Korean YouTube, that almost looks like a real news segment! Yes, Kim Jong-il gets to paste together another fun photo collage of him with a former American president, and America gets back one of its citizens. It’s a win-win situation! So Jimmy Carter has arrived, and here he is receiving flowers and an angry communist salute from a the president of North Korea’s child trade union. MORE »

Why is our modern political discourse conducted at such a high grade-level? Americans cannot follow it! They did not pay attention in school; they strung themselves along doing next to nothing until they could land themselves a lifetime job of menial labor, which is what you’re supposed to do. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO STUPIDITY IN AMERICA JUST AS YOU ARE ENTITLED TO APPLE PIE AND VAGINAL INTERCOURSE. Knowing this, and knowing people’s hatred of ideas that could complicate or change their political beliefs, Michele Bachmann has optimistically decided to make it easy for us. Here is Jim the Election Guy! He will be with you through this entire campaign to hold your hand! First up: Bachmann’s opponent <3 taxes. MORE »

• A video game from 1998 CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Marxism is a lie. [Ludwig Von Mises Institute]
• The Huffington Post and some Islamaphobe blog are in a juicy spat because HuffPo reported the Islamaphobe’s Islamaphobic ads were taken down when they were actually not taken down, prompting MASSIVE RETALIATION via blog post. [AtlasShrugs]
• One day after winning his primary, Marco Rubio abandons the Tea Party Scott Brown-style, by not worshiping them with his every breath. [DailyCaller]
• John Dennis is so gay for Judy Garland he fantasizes about defeating his congressional opponent Nancy Pelosi in ruby red slippers while subjecting Judy/Nancy to a wet T-shirt contest. [John Dennis]
• The Moonies are all up in the dramz because a non-Moon is trying to grab the Washington Times from the Rev. Moon’s son, but daddy Moon seems to be OK with it, so everyone should just get mass-married already. [DailyIntel]

OH NO WATCH OUT MICHELE BACHMANN THERE’S A BUS BEHIND YOU! Oh, LOLZ, just kidding — that beautiful luxury coach in the back is the Minnesota Congresslady’s own special tour bus to ride around her district in, shaking her moneymaker to replenish the ol’ campaign coffers. She liked the Sarah Palin and Tea Party buses, and heard about Joe Wilson’s new bus full of jobs, and just had to get a ride of her own. Bachmann’s new ride has personalized features, such as windows made out of a special kind of glass to deflect Nancy Pelosi death stares and anti-U2 Boat reinforcements. Oh looky she’s TWEETING PICS FROM THE ROAD. MORE »

Look at this hot piece of apple pie: he’s ultra-masculine, loves smoking cigars, fetishises puppets, and most importantly, HATES MUSLIMS. This super-hunk, Doug Giles, introduces us to our terrifying future in AMERICANISTAN where Sharia law rules and skunk puppets are no longer permitted to confuse Shania Twain with John Lennon. Shania Twain, incidentally, is one of the few musicians never to have covered the ex-Beatles’ famous anti-burqa anthem, Imagine, but that doesn’t matter, because SHARIA SHIZZLE. [YouTube]

If you follow American politics and you have a soul, one of your least favorite phrases is some variation of “forced down our throats.” This is generally used to imply that some law or regulation has gone into effect as a result of an election in which the winning side received 52 to 56 percent of the vote, as typical in a democratic system (e.g., “This health care reform has been rammed down our throats”). It is occasionally hilarious when it involves gayness (e.g., “The tyrannical courts are shoving gay marriage down our throats”) because it makes it clear how much the speaker thinks about hot cocks and the deep-throating thereof. But it’s almost never used in a political context to describe the sorts of things that might actually enter a person’s throat (i.e., food) — until one brave teabagger candidate for the Montana legislature dared speak out against this communist “healthy eating” craze. MORE »

Alvin Greene has so far waged a mostly peaceful campaign in his quest to defeat Jim DeMint and become South Carolina’s next senator. But the savage bellowing he directed at various members of the media may indicate that he plans to change tactics, and a recent incident in Oconee County is bringing his new plans into better focus. If the scuffle that one of his vicious enforcers instigated in a restaurant is any indication, he may be exchanging Lao Tzu’s Daoist teachings for Sun Tzu’s Art of War. Will any of his enemies still be alive at the end of the inevitable murderous rampage? Probably not. MORE »

Washington, D.C. looks, like, super-depressed about having to host this weekend’s Glenn Beck’s Lard-Baby Rally & Hate Festival, you guys. When it saw that junky “Restoring Honor” stage banner thingie go up, it felt really embarrassed and even kind of distraught, you know? So it went all gray and overcast. Didn’t feel like sunshining. Seemed so … pointless. MORE »

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. MORE »

South Carolina Congressman Joe “You LIE!” Wilson is currently riding around his district in a big fancy bus, surprising local proles by showing up at their work places and pretending like he gives a fuck about what they do all day. His road trip is officially called the “Joe Means Jobs” tour, which is Wilsonian for “vote for me and I’ll reward you with a bowl of this gruel, made from sun dried-palmetto bugs and the teardrops of impoverished families.” Let’s see where Wilson has experimented with performing real work for a change, shall we? MORE »

• Team Wonkette all went to bed last night before the returns from America’s Icebox came in, so they didn’t have time to report the SHOCKING ANTI-INCUMBENT NEWS that hated creep Lisa Murkowski may well be defeated by the immaculately stubbled, Tim James campaign ad-imitating Joe Miller in the Republican primary! Miller is up by 4 percentage points with 77 percent of the vote counted. He didn’t have a lot of money to spend, but he did have Sarah Palin’s endorsement, which is more valuable than a treasure chest full of Spanish doubloons. MORE »

  ---

America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But at least she gets to send Walnuts back to Washington and out of her way, while she drools over young Navy SEALs in an Rx haze. John McCain has handily defeated crazy teevee huckster J.D. Hayworth. MORE »

Ha ha, so a couple of your Wonkette contributors were jabbering all day about doing liveblogging, and your editor said okay great but don’t kill yourselves because these “couple of primary/runoff things somewhere” do not exactly leave the nation or even the Wonkette Readership spellbound. And then of course nobody showed up to liveblog at all, because it takes very little to discourage America’s generation of underemployed English graduates. So join us for a few hours of very leisurely liveblogging as results trickle in like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks. MORE »

Do you need to know anything about today’s announcement of the results of the Obama administration’s “change your state education laws to appease Teach for America hipsters” plan? No, you don’t. You just need to know that David Paterson called it “Race To the Cock.” And really, isn’t that a perfect metaphor for what states were doing to try to get this sweet, sweet federal government money? [Daily Intel]

Minneapolis’ city attorney’s office has agreed to pay a $165,000 settlement to seven people who dressed up as zombies to protest consumerism in 2006. Police had arrested the protesters for what they thought appeared to be a “weapon of mass destruction,” but hilariously was actually an iPod and some equipment to amplify this terrorist mp3 player. They were never charged and were later released to continue annoying the terrorism-hating Minnesota public with their disdain for the sale of fishing lures. MORE »