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Humor

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June 2, 2010

Five Makes You an Ace

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor, US News | Tags: , , , |
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That’s what my husband said when I told him that Rush Limbaugh is getting married for the fourth time. It’s not to Ann Coulter, though you’d think they would have been made for each other. Maybe next time around.

Mr. Limbaugh somehow finds time to smirk at Al and Tipper Gore, who announced their separation this week. Obviously the Gores don’t respect marriage. They only managed to get married once in forty years. It’s like they’re not even trying.

Elizabeth Taylor, of course, is in a class by herself, with eight marriages to seven men. She’s very experienced, but still hopeful.

Love is a mysterious thing. If you get marriage right the first time, it’s as much due to luck as to virtue. It’s not really safe to brag about your marriage or snip at others because the gods will hear you and soon you’ll be fighting about cat hair on the couch or who forgot to change the oil in the car. So to Rush Limbaugh I will only wish felicitations. To the Gores, I wish a good life and no regrets.

 

May 19, 2010

Nominal Purity

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , |
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I’m posting this for a laugh before work. A blogger reports on a plan to remove all Spanish place names from Arizona. He’s an academic. His name is Professor Smart—. Do you think this might be satire?

 

May 7, 2010

You Know You’re Having A Bad Day When…

Posted by David Jaffe under Humor, Religion & Spirituality, US News
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Just when I thought that nothing particularly interesting occurs out here in Western Massachusetts, I ran across the following news item:

Woman Runs Down Lord Jesus Christ in Massachusetts Street

The victim has probably forgiven the woman who ran him down in a Northampton crosswalk, but police haven’t.

Police say a Pittsfield woman has been cited for running down Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed the street in Northampton.

Officers responding to Tuesday’s incident checked the 50-year-old Belchertown man’s ID and discovered that, indeed, Lord Jesus Christ is his legal name.

He was taken to the hospital for treatment of minor facial injuries.

Police say 20-year-old Brittany Cantarella was cited for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

I just have a few questions. How bad does your karma have to be to run over the son of God? Should the hapless Ms. Cantarella start packing a bag for the netherworld? Did the Lord Jesus Christ rise up on his own, or was he lifted onto a stretcher? Doesn’t it seem more than a little ironic that he was nailed in a crosswalk? Does this mean the End of Days is upon us? What a strange and wacky world we live in.

 

April 21, 2010

Several Mice Were Euthanized

Posted by David Jaffe under Humor, Media Issues, US News
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Honestly, I don’t know why I bother to read the news and stay informed. All it does is make my head throb and my stomach roil. Of the four major food groups, two of mine are aspirin and antacids. I munch ‘em like a ballplayer eating sunflower seeds. That can’t be healthy.

Some recent news items have particularly given me pause. One reported on the foul rantings of radio host Rush Limbaugh, who suggested that the volcanic eruption in Iceland was divine retribution for the passage of health care reform in the Untied States. His logic seems about as sound as his character. After reading that little tidbit, I was wiping the spittle off my computer screen. Then, I happened upon the delightful story of the “Phillies fan charged with intentionally vomiting on cop’s kid.” Could anything be more reprehensible or disgusting? That one had me rushing to embrace the toilet.

Just when I thought the news had reached its nadir (and I could ralph no more), I came across a tummy-turning piece from The Seattle Times about a felon accused of running an animal-sex farm. Sadly, the man was not engaging in the business of animal husbandry but rather catering to people who desired sex with animals. It seems that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and unwell in rural Washington State:

He was “promoting tourism of this nature for bestiality,” Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo said Friday.

When county deputies and federal investigators searched the property they found videotapes that included images of a man, who was visiting the property, having sex with several large-breed dogs.

The man, a 51-year-old British national, was arrested for investigation of four counts of bestiality, Elfo said. He is being held in the Whatcom County Jail in lieu of $150,000, Elfo said.

On Wednesday, authorities took several animals, including horses and large-breed dogs, found on Spink’s property into protective custody, Elfo said. Several mice were euthanized, he added. [link]

I’m thinking that the mice were the lucky ones. If you’ll excuse me now, I need to curl up in a fetal position and moan.

 

February 14, 2010

Happy New Years!

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor | Tags: , , |
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Today begins the Chinese Year of the Tiger.  I’m not really ready for more excitement, but we’re leaving the Year of the Ox and moving on. Here’s some predictions. And Suzanne White has some more.

I checked out some psychic sites, but came up with stuff like, ‘there will be natural disasters in places in the world susceptible to them’. Yup, anyone can count on that. Political strife is certain, and a few scandals involving famous people.

Tell me, readers, do any of you have foresight? Or are good guessers? Let’s give it a try. Anything that is remotely related to actual events counts as a win, we forget the rest, and there’s no limit on how many guesses you can make. So here goes…

1. Elizabeth Roberts is elected governor of Rhode Island because she’s the only one who has a list of all the snowplow drivers.
2. This year a hurricane hits the Northeast and we try out the Hurricane Barrier but it fails.
3. Ann Coulter reads that book about ‘settling’ and decides to marry Rush Limbaugh.
4. Scientists discover that a fruit cultivated from ancient times by Native Americans is packed with vitamins and micronutrients, advertisers get busy re-branding because ‘cranberry’ sounds kind of boring.
5. The ‘must have’ fashion item is a vest designed by a RISD grad and made in Cambodia. It’s got pockets.
6. An early Spring causes a squirrel population explosion– aggressive squirrels chase cats.
7. Internet access fails for several days and bloggers are confronted with their empty, boring lives. Many go insane.

Okay guys, that’s what my third eye is looking at. Now it’s your turn.

 

December 29, 2009

Orly Taitz Revealed?

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: |
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Raw Story says that Orly Taitz, lawyer, dentist and voice in the wilderness is calling on her followers to ‘bare arms’.

I know we live in troubled times, but Orly– between you and me, at our age sleeves are better. In the summer no one minds, but it’s a little more formal in December. A nice scarf, maybe, draped around the shoulders. That would be a good look for you.

Speaking of looks, I stood up to all those people who claim you are not a natural-born blonde. The Roots of Orly Taitz puts to rest claims that grey can be concealed with highlights.

 

December 16, 2009

Beyond Scrooge

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor | Tags: , , |
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And I thought I had a bad attitude. In this Christmastide Garrison Keillor tries to pick a fight with the Unitarians.

You’re lucky we’re tolerant, Keillor. If you tried that with the Catholics they would forgive you in such a martyred way that you would know you had just given the Borg more energy with your photon torpedoes. They would be so ‘disappointed’ in you.

But we’re Unitarians. We can take it. We have a sense of humor, really, I can prove it. Here’s a tolerant chuckle for you, Garrison Keillor. Heh, heh.

I’m not bothered. I survived the Mall parking garage without running over one of those ticket robots. I can face anything.

 

November 10, 2009

Blue Rhode Island

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: |
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I’m totally bummed. On the Happiness Index Rhode Island is 37th out of the 50 states.

Not only that– if you drift over the border into Seekonk or Attleboro you enter a state that made the top ten. What could possibly make Massachusetts happier than Rhode Island? We have snotty colleges, beaches and brick buildings, just like they do. What have they got to be so chipper about?

The happier states also tended to have a greater proportion of residents with advanced educations whose jobs were considered “super-creative,” such as architecture, engineering, computer and math occupations, library positions, arts and design work, as well as entertainment, sports and media occupations.

The number of bohemians (such as artists), gays and foreign-born residents also boosted happiness scores. Take California, Minnesota and Massachusetts, which had higher inclusiveness scores and also made it to the top 10 list for well-being.

Maybe that’s why they call them, ‘gays’. I’ve got an idea. Let’s recruit gay bohemians with advanced degrees into Rhode Island by making our marriage laws apply to same-sex couples equally. They’ll be lured to Providence by our ‘Creative Capital’ orange ‘P’ logo, which should be irresistible considering how much it cost. And think of how much more depressed our state would be without immigrants. It would be like West Virginia, number 50 on the list, where whiskey and country music are all they have to soothe a broken heart.

 

November 5, 2009

Nomi’s Back

Posted by ninjanurse under Humor | Tags: , |
1 Comment 

At I Dreamed I Saw Grace P. Last Night.
Welcome back to the blogging world, Nomi, we missed you.

 

October 2, 2009

The Democratic “Super Majority” and Health Care

Posted by riclpp under Humor, Politics, US News, health care
1 Comment 

Last night, Jon Stewart gave one of the most trenchant analyses of democratic legislative failure in general and health reform in specific.  Among the most perceptive is his Geico reference.  See it and you’ll laugh and cry. Laugh because it’s funny, cry because it’s true.


 

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