MEND Rocks Their War Bowfinger-Style

Did you guys ever see Bowfinger, that Steve Martin movie? In it, Martin plays a failed movie producer who can't land a big star for his film, but decides to go ahead and shoot it anyway by sneaking up on the star and filming around him, whether he likes it or not? Because I'm pretty sure that MEND ("The Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta") has.

For those just tuning in now, MEND is an organization fighting for control of Nigeria's oil production. It claims -with some justification- that the Delta has been exploited for the benefit of other regions of Nigeria and foreign companies, and that local people have not benefited from the wealth being extracted there. That claim is made by every single oil-region rebel group that I can think of, up to and including the Scottish National Party, so this would all be pretty yawnsy if it weren't for MEND's true agenda: MEETING CELEBRITIES.

I previously wrote about their plan to obtain a visit from The Luscious Clooney by bombing the crap out of the Nigerian oil industry. MEND's leadership wrote a letter to His Georgeness, suggesting that Clooney come visit the Delta to see "the unrest in this oil-rich region of Nigeria which is gradually building up to a crisis that will make Darfur an adjective for child's play."

I suggested that this was perhaps the beginning of the end for UN Celebrity ambassadors, as it appeared that MEND was now actively causing unrest in the hope of getting to hang out with a movie star.

Ahem. I was SO RIGHT.

It appears that MEND has moved on from Clooney fever to Obamamania: they have released a statement to the press saying that they are "seriously considering a temporary ceasefire appeal by Senator Barack Obama," because "Obama is someone we respect and hold in high esteem."

Only issue? You guessed it: the Obama campaign has denied ever making such a ceasefire appeal. Apparently MEND has decided that if they can't get a celebrity to actually mediate their desired peace process, then they'll just go ahead and pretend that one is. And then maybe he'll have to show up.

It's Nigerian Conflict, Bowfinger style.

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Rebels to Clooney: Come in, Clooney!

I KNEW this was going to happen!

Look, U.N. Stop with the celebrity whoremongering already. I know that it worked well with Angelina Jolie. I realize how you might have become enthralled by the magical combination of celebrity and effectiveness that envelops her like so many Dior caftans, and that you probably wanted to continue along that same happy path of popping flashbulbs and single-engine planes that emit love for the world's children instead of green house gases.

However.

Rule number one of celebrity tie-ins is that people will want more of whatever the celebrity is tied-into. For refugees, that's awesome. No host country ever wants them, so they can use all the Angelinafication they can get. The refugees who come with a visit from Her Lipness are much more appealing than the ones who just come with cholera, so it is very nice that she has made herself available.

But if you are considering, oh, I don't know, making George Clooney a U.N. Messenger of Peace and sending him to parts of the world suffering from terrible conflicts, then you are likely to find yourself with a bit of a situation on your hands. And that situation is likely to be "people actively causing civil unrest in the hopes that the Hot Carrier Pigeon of Peace will come and envelop them in his soft wings and nuzzle them until their world becomes perfect and full of cupcakes."

Exhibit A:

"Nigerian Rebels Seek Help from Clooney."

Apparently there is a group in the Niger Delta who call themselves the "Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta," or MEND. ($20 says they were the Organization for a Free and Fair Emancipation of the Niger Delta until they realized that OFFEND wasn't quite what they were going for.) MEND has written a letter to George Clooney, suggesting that he might want to "come see things for himself," because "the unrest in this oil-rich region of Nigeria which is gradually building up to a crisis that will make Darfur an adjective for child's play."

That may be true. The Niger Delta has recently suffered a rash of kidnappings and home invasions targeting foreign oil workers. There have also been a number of oil-pipeline bombings, causing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage, and several oil tankers have been fired upon. This violence appears to be on the rise.

Which MEND knows. Because they're the ones doing it. AFP notes that "The past two weeks have seen a new escalation of violence in the delta, characterised this time round by attacks on ships and tankers, many of them claimed by MEND." And they're not exactly remorseful: they recently explained to Reuters that "What you are seeing is the calm before a storm. We are working on a major terrifying event that will be a date not easily forgotten like 9/11.”

Sooo, um, United Nations? Might be time to re-think that whole "more celebrities! more, more!" policy, non?

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Best in Show

We thought we'd close out the month (our blog's first!) with a nostalgic look back at human rights abuse in January 2008.

And then we thought, you know what's more fun than a retrospective? An awards ceremony! We love awards.

So, here you go. The first-occasional Gadaffi Awards for Excellence in Human Rightsiness.




In the category of "Best Oh-My-God-You're-SO-Going-to-Hell-for-That Legal Defense."

The nominees are:

1. Defense counsel for Charles Taylor for their patented "your witness has been driven so crazy by our client's atrocity-committing ways, he cannot possibly testify reliably to any specific atrocity" trial strategy.


2. Joshua Milton "General Butt Naked" Blahi for his audacious "nah man, demons made me do it. I'm cured now!" testimony before Truth and Reconciliation Commission for Liberia.


3. Defense counsel for Charles Taylor for their argument that the inherent "untruthfulness" of Sierra Leonan children renders statistics on the number of child soldiers forced into the RUF meaningless.

And the Gaddafi goes to... two-time nominee Charles Taylor's defense team for their attempt to discredit witness Varmuyan Sherif!!! It was a tough decision, but in the end there was no other choice. That's some balls-out EVIL right there.

In the category of "Most Unexpected Threat to Our Precious Freedoms."

The nominees are:

1. Roombas with autonomous combat capabilities. Seriously, we're scared.


2. Ted Kennedy.


3. Marcia Pappas.

This is a tight race, but we're going to have to give the Gaddafi to.....Ms. Pappas! Because, for the first time, we are actually hoping people will dismiss the comments of a prominent feminist leader as "just a raging case of PMS." Ugh.

In the category of "Hottest New Accessory for the Human Rights Abuser Who Has Everything."

The nominees are:

1. The Nepal police force's human rights pocket books.


2. Laurent Nkunda's "Rebels for Christ" pin.


3. Bracelets handcrafted by real life victims of super-serious sex trafficking.

We're going to follow he-of-the-gold-tipped-baton here and award the Gaddafi to the "Rebels for Christ" pin.


In the category of "Most Ruggedly Handsome and Yet Somehow Suavely Sophisticated Carrier-Pigeon of Peace EVER"

The nominees are:

1. George Clooney.


2. George Clooney.


3. George Clooney.

Oh, Clooney...

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Dear George Clooney: I Am Considering Starting A Genocide, But Would Probably Cancel It if You Wanted to Come Over

George Clooney is now a U.N. Messenger of Peace. Now, I don't know about you, but when I hear "Messenger of Peace," I picture him as some kind of hot middle-aged carrier pigeon, bringing messages of peace to places that were not aware it was an option.

Can't you just see him winging gracefully down into Afghanistan, a message of love and snuggling tucked into his soft feathers?

How that might play out, after the jump:

Scene: The super-dangerous part of Afghanistan, full of terrorists and goats.

Scary Terrorist: And we will KILL the INFIDELS!!!!

Scary Followers: Yeah! That sounds fun!

Scary Terrorist: And after we KILL them, we will KILL a number of other people who are not infidels, but were not nice to me when I was a teenager!!!

Scary Followers: Yeah! We are still teenagers! This sounds like a good solution to us!

Goat: Maaaa. Maaaaaaaaa.

Scary Followers: Baaa. Baaaaaaa.

Scary Terrorist: And after we KILL the number of other people who were not nice to me in high school, we will KILL -wait, what is that?

George Clooney wings his way down from the sky on soft feathered wings. He is glowing, and surrounded by puppies and flowers.

George Clooney: Hey, everyone.

Scary Followers: Hey.

George Clooney: I have come to bring you a message!

Scary Terrorist: I will take any messages that need taking. Is it a message of DEATH?

George Clooney: No, it is a message of peace.

Scary Followers: Did he say "peas"?

Scary Terrorist: No, I'm pretty sure he said "pees." To George: Listen, old bean, if you need to take a whizz, there are some bushes over there. Now if you don't mind, we're sort of in the middle of something here. To Scary Followers: Now, as I was saying, we will KILL -

George Clooney: (still glowing, but now borne aloft by the perfume of a thousand jasmine flowers) No, my friends. I am here to speak neither of legumes nor of urination. My message is of PEACE.

Scary Terrorist, Followers, and Goat, all together: Of what?

George Clooney: (caressed by rosy-fingered dawn, in increasingly inappropriate ways)
PEACE. You know, the opposite of war. The end of suffering. The bane of death. The damnosa hereditas of all pillowy-lipped, pertly-bottomed A-listers!

Scary Terrorist: The opposite of war? Preposterous! War is all we know! We have never heard of this "Peace" of which you speak.

George Clooney: (sneezing pure moonbeams) Look, the U.N. wrote it all down and stuck it inside this tube that they tied to my leg. Now, who wants to rub noses until all the pain goes away?

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