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Juan Manuel Marquez

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Harold Jaffe

vi

Like most serial murderers in this day and age, Sean is handsome. Maybe handsome is not the right word. Videogenic. That's how he charms those redheads. Chiseled cheekbones, straight blond long hair, designer stubble, small ears close to his head. And that crooked grin. That's the capper. Those white, straight teeth. Law enforcement speculates that it's a bridge since being on the road like he is he wouldn't be able to brush and floss regularly to keep those choppers healthy white.

He's not that tall, about six feet, but he's wiry strong with broad shoulders, long sinewy arms, real defined abs, and muscular thighs from grippin' his Harley.

The tattoos begin at the back of his neck and motorcross down his body to his ankles. He even has a tattoo on his penis: the outline of his home state: Texas, with the name "Jody" inside Texas. Jody was one of his early girlfriends who disappeared and whose remains were never found.

She had red cropped hair.

Inside the "o" of Jody there's a tattooed scorpion. Which has puzzled law enforcement.

Inside the upcurved tail of the scorpion is tattooed the word "Mom." Like most serial killers Sean loved his mom who died of colon cancer when he was real young. He hated his stepdad who abused and molested him.

I have a feeling you're wondering how he can have such a complexly interesting tattoo on his penis. He just happens to be hung like a horse. Plus he's uncut.

Which is great to listen to Nine Inch Nails with.

I'm talkin' 'bout Sean the serial murderer.







[From the story "14 Ways of Looking at a Serial Killer," in the collection Straight Razor (Northwestern University Press, 1995)

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Red Speedo --Fort Lauderdale 2009

Alex Gildzen

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Tina Newberry

I live in South Philly and used to be young, sporty, and lively. Now I'm old, decrepit, and complain a lot.

I got an art education at various places and wound up in South Philly. I teach at local schools and shop at the Acme. I paint in my spare time while watching TV.

After an expensive and extensive art education, I became a cleaning lady. This helped me hone my skills with sweeping strokes. None of which are actually in my paintings. It's the thought that counts [...]

Branded, 20" x 10", 2005.
"Branded, scorned as the one who ran. What do you do when you're branded and you know you're a man?"











Dress-Ups, 17" x 10", 1997.
"Wearing pantyhose makes me feel like a transvestite."

[More]



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shitmydadsays

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“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law."



"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"



"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."



"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot."






[More]







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If I Had a Penis

Lynn Behrendt


If I had a penis I’d wear it outside in cafés.
If I had a penis I would definitely worship it.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it.
If I had a penis, and it was un-cut, I’d play with the skin all day.
If I had a penis I would enjoy earning 22% more than I normally do.
If I had a penis I’d research first then ask on a public website where your grandmother would see.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t be destructive.
If I had a penis I would kill myself, they’re disgusting.
If I had a penis I’d take it to parties.
If I had a penis I would totally hang shit off it.
If I had a penis I’d run to my mother, comb out the hair, and compare it to brother.
If I had a penis I would love that penis in ways in which no one has.
If I had a penis I would probably never get much done.
If I had a penis the size of a coke can.
If I had a penis I would be the Steve McQueen of urinating.
If I had a penis I would treat people like crap, cheat, lie and all the while be loved for it.
If I had a penis I would be taken a hell of a lot more seriously.
If I had a penis and that penis were infected, I would be more worried about the scaly, itchy, oozing rash than what it “smelled” like.
If I had a penis you know what I would do with it.
If I had a penis I would shoot it like a gun. That would be my plan.
If I had a penis or if I thought I had a penis or something like that.
If I had a penis first I’d chop it off then I’d name it Winnie the Strangely Proportioned.
If I had a penis he’d wear a bow tie.
If I had a penis my penis would be friends with everyone.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t let anyone but God tamper with it.
If I had a penis it’d be named Little Juan.
If I had a penis I’d call him big Jim and the twins.
If I had a penis I’d name him Zorg Thrustor.
If I had a penis it would be named Captain James Fitzhew.
If I had a penis I’d name it Dick Van Dike because I’m destined to be misunderstood.
If I had a penis I would name it Darth Penis because I think penises look like they are adorned with Darth Vader helmets.
If I had a penis I would probably be jobless.
If I had a penis I’d be heartless.
If I had a penis I would never ever EVER put it against a shower door.
If I had a penis I’d rub it on a scratching post first.
If I had a penis that ejaculated money.
If I had a penis I would use it to write my name in butter.
If I had a penis I too would be shooting demons out of it to sell on ebay.
If I had a penis I would have to ask you to call me an insensitive prick.
If I had a penis perhaps I would care.
If I had a penis I’d get to be funny too.
If I had a penis I would use it as a donut/horse shoe/peach ring holder.
If I had a penis I would slam it in the door.
If I had a penis I would put it in a jar of peanut butter.
If I had a penis two-thirds the size of my body.
If I had a penis I would name it after famous poets like Byron or Shelley, wait, not Shelley, that’s a girl’s name.
If I had a penis I would want people to call it Mayor.
If I had a penis and a mustache.
If I had a penis, which I don’t, I wouldn’t wear that thing.
If I had a penis then I wouldn’t have needed those bananas.
If I had a penis I could urinate all over anyone who tried to attack me in a public bathroom.
If I had a penis I would try to fold it and see if it hurts.
If I had a penis we’d be in trouble.
If I had a penis like that I would have to get the rest of my body in shape in order to handle the added physical stress.
If I had a penis, one of those strange harmless-looking things swinging back and forth like a baby elephant trunk.
If I had a penis I would hate the dangling feeling.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t want anyone coming anywhere near it with a knife or a scalpel or whatever.
If I had a penis I would most definitely refer to it as “the spear of destiny.”
If I had a penis full of metal, I wouldn’t be making the statement, “Hey, look at my penis full of metal!”
If I had a penis I would curl a pearl necklace around it and all the publishers would line up.
If I had a penis and red hair.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t post it online.
If I had a penis 58 inches long I would have to learn to be creative.
If I had a penis I’d have surgery to have the horrid thing removed.
If I had a penis twin it would definitely be Jerry.
If I had a penis, I thought, I’d be assisting Pierre Monteaux.








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A Florida woman was duped into changing diapers

and providing care for a man she met through Craigslist who feigned disabilities. Turns out the man who hired Janet Schulte to look after an adult brother with diminished mental capacity was the same guy she bottle-fed and treated like a child for 3 months.

Janet Schulte believed the man when he told her by phone that his 40-something, disabled brother needed a caregiver who could bottle-feed him and change his diapers.

"I feel violated," Schulte said, sharing her story because she said the man has deceived other women and will try again. "I feel disgusted."

Investigators and prosecutors have refused to pursue charges, saying Schulte was paid [$600 a week] and agreed to provide the care.

"I consented to change his diapers, but I legitimately thought this man needed help," she said. "How can that not be a crime for him to come into my house and expose himself?"

Schulte said he never broke character, and on the phone always gave an excuse when she tried to meet his "brother."

She and her husband got suspicious and found the man out after subtle behavior changes and a few late payments.

[Source]




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The Joydick,

a wearable haptic device for controlling video gameplay based on realtime male masturbation:

[Sent by Iain Keith]

"motherfucker with gonarea,"

as found at the Anacostia stop of the Washington Metro, 7/2/09:

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Tie One On

Alex Gildzen

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Hot Blonde Brazilian Bank Teller Amoeba

Lanny Quarles




I am here again..

Amoeba breaking wind,
non-upgraded, fixed lumbar bmw seat
hole filled with black plug
[wink]

I am Amoeba
hear me roar.

I could paint a really cool picture
anytime I am in Starbucks shopping.
Like, I am having this fantasy about a
Brazilian bank-teller

she's a bank teller

blonde amoeba

tube-top

I'm cashing checks
and she sounds like
some 70's comedian
talking about her pussy

I'm all

"lens-cap"
"hyper-procedure"
"matter-ghetto-utopia"

She's all

"pussy-mafia"
"I saw your BMW.."
"Tube-Top"

and that is when the

Shiva-Turkey-Molecule example
burns through the post-man's eyelids

It's like the postman
who always rings twice
has returned to Starbucks

in his mermaid-mobile

Where I am still sitting there
with the Advil crowd

trying to paint this picture
on a bulldozer scoop in the parking lot

a painting of this obscure
French poet of the 17th century
not Ronsard

this poet who hangs out by the fire
spitting

In America
people don't like the French
nor being told
that humans are like

Amoebas with internal crutch-assemblages

They are already all like

"my manatee"
"super quantum"
"spin brigades are doubling"

and then I am just so
like into Starbucks,
my Wives of Merry Windsor knots,
these memories of woodchucks

It's a huge hangover I get
from being wet inside
like a bank teller

I'm all, like I say something inane like
"He's a professor.."
when she shows me her

comedic principle..







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[Collected by Bob Bobster, with this caption, "Physical examination of aviation recruits at the Episcopal Eye & Ear Hospital, Washington, D.C. Bones, joints, flat foot, etc., 1918. From the New York Public Library.]

Condom Song in Telugu

from Nrityanjali Academy, Andhra Pradesh, India:

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