"Is this how we dress for the office?"

.

"You look like a blood clot."

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #404, Bette Midler in Big Business]

JA from MNPP here. I just gave a ton of love to Lily Tomlin's performance in this movie over at MNPP. I probably have too high an opinion of this film but what can I say, I was eleven when it came out and deeply infatuated with everything Midler at the time.

And the way Bette's naive-country-twin studies the Grand Dame bitch of them all, Alexis Carrington (Joan Collins) in Dynasty, for clues on how to be a ruthless business woman!

As if Bette ever needed lessons on bitchiness from anybody!
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"This is the girl..."

If looks could seduce.

If looks could kill.

[Great Moments in (reciprocal) Screen Bitchery #772]

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"I'm here to see Francis!"

Butler: Francis is busy.
Pee-wee: Busy doing what?
Butler: He's having his bath.

Pee-wee: Oh, really?
Where are they hosing him down?


[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #301,
Paul Reubens in Pee Wee's Big Adventure]

JA from MNPP here.

There are about a dozen lines of incredible bitchery between Francis and Pee Wee that've become classic insults - "I know you are but what am I?" is right up there with "Et tu, Brute" as far as I'm concerned in lines for the ages - but I always loved this scene especially because Pee Wee's always at his best when he's deranged, and the way he stomps into that pool fully-clothed and they do battle like Godzilla and the Crab Monster among the tiny ships is hysterical.

Happy 25th anniversary, Pee Wee!

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Further reading/laughing:
Pee Wee Art He looks so different in each painting, despite that signature suit.
Tina the Tour Guide the greatest cameo of all time.
"Good Morning World" Breakfast with Pee Wee

"Did she just...?"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #993, Julianne Moore in Blindness]

The "unseeing" Doctor's Wife sticks it to the guards.
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"I'll tell you what. The day I need a friend like you..."

"...I'll just have myself a little squat and shit one out."

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #666,
Marcia Gay Harden as Mrs. Carmody in The Mist]

"You're a fraud. You're a walking lie...

...and I can see right through you."


"Speaking of which, as a friend, some advice. I would stay out of bathing suits for a while. At least a two piece."

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #701, Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her (1992)]

related article
"She's Mad as 'Hel', as She's Not Going to Streep it Anymore"

"There's a name for you ladies..."

"...but it isn't used in high society outside of a kennel."

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #40, Joan Crawford The Women]

Black Mamba vs. Sidewinder via California Mountain Snake

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me wasn't it?"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #580, Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill, Vol. 2]

Ya think?

It's even ruder if Budd doesn't like being read to. That's a common pet peeve, you know. In those last agonizing minutes of life he has left, she'll do just that.

P.S. Quentin Tarantino sure can write/direct the hell out of a scene, can't he?

P.P.S. Useless Trivia!
Q: What is Nathaniel's absolute favorite thing about Kill Bill Vol 1 and Kill Bill Vol 2?
A: How similar Elle Driver ("California Mountain Snake") and The Bride ("Black Mamba") actually are, right down to their love of deadly handwritten notepads. (One never thinks of notepads as violent. teehee) Though it should be noted that Elle has more meticulous handwriting.

"Monday morning you're history"

Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #8, Winona Ryder & Kim Walker in Heathers (1989)

Heather: You stupid fuck
Veronica: You goddamn bitch
Heather: You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a bluebird. You were a brownie. You were a girl scout cookie.

I got you into a Remington party. What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Daniel Walters SO deserved a Best Screenplay nomination. And the category wasn't exactly shabby.

P.S. It's a holiday weekend so posting may be a touch draggy. Have fun at your parties, whenever they may begin.

"And waste all this good coke?"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #949, Demi in St. Elmo's Fire (1985)]

Heh. I am going to be very disappointed if that isn't the title of Demi Moore's forthcoming memoirs. I'm just saying.

Some context for those too young to have seen Demi's 80s breakthrough, released twenty-five years ago on this very day. Joel Schumacher's St. Elmo's Fire is a story about a group of college grads who are struggling through their quarter-century life crises together. Jules (Demi Moore) is the messiest (and most fabulous) of them all. In the middle of the night she calls her most responsible friend in a panic. "I'm with these Arabs and they've been forcing me to do coke all night. I'm not sure because I don't understand much Arabic but I think I heard the word gangbang. You've gotta come and get me!" He rushes to her rescue only to find a tame unthreatening party. She refuses to leave with him and starts making booty calls instead. He tries to reason with her, until she lobs that delicious dismissal his way.

"And waste all this good coke?"

I have loved Demi Moore ever since. Which was not always a wise life choice, but what can you do? We love the actresses we love.


Because I can't quit there -- this movie is so addictive -- a Monday Monologue from the same film.

Uptight Leslie (Ally Sheedy) and Frumpy Wendy (Mare Winningham) have convinced Wild Jules to eat lunch at the soup kitchen where Wendy volunteers. This is not, shall we say, Jules' natural environment. It turns out her girlfriend's have an intervention in mind. They're worried about her obsession with her stepmother and her crazy-making sexual dalliances.


"Moi?" Jules asks, caught off guard. After a quick silent beat with a flash of 'how to navigate this?' worry on her face, Demi unleashes Jule's defensive fabulousity posturing.

Forrester? Come on, he's wonderful.

Forrest is her married boss. But she's got it all figured out.

This is the 80s. Bop him for a few years. Get his job when he gets his hand caught in the vault. Become a legend. Do a Black Mink ad. Get caught in a sex scandal. Retire in massive disgrace. Write a huge best seller and become the fabulous host of my own talk show.

"Well, it was silly of us to worry," Wendy says in disbelief and the kind of snark-free sarcasm only found prior to the late Nineties.

It really is. He's helped me so much. He's come up with so many alternatives for my stepmonster's funeral.

It turns out cremation is just as expensive as the non torch method and if I don't come up with a cheaper solution, I'm going to end up a bag lady...

Of course I'll have alligator bags.

A head toss, the laugh of the self-amused and then a look at the time get me the hell out of here avoidance of the real issues she's just been so flippant about.

And she's outta there... and every time she's outta there the movie deflates a little. Demi's comedic skills are underrated and paired with that famously husky voice and needy screen energy, she turns out to be the perfect match for this charismatic trainwreck.

A parting shot just to underline Jules' trying-too-hard fabulousity -- this is her apartment.

Art Direction by William Sandell / Set Decoration by Robert Gould & Charles Graffeo

Naturally she's wild about her decorator "Gay became very chic in the Seventies!"
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"There's so many people to thank..."

"...my fabulous supporting cast who gives a new meaning to the word support."

......"Bitch" ............. "Hag" ........ "I hate her so much"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #960
Teri Hatcher, Robert Downey Jr & Cathy Moriarty in Soapdish]

The eternal hallowed tradition of frozen awards night grins. People do resent it... they really really resent it when Sally Field wins things!

P.S. Good luck to the producers of the Soapdish remake. The movie isn't sacred per se but good luck finding a cast like this. And how the hell you gonna do better than Cathy Moriarty as "Montana" / "Nurse Nan"? Answer: You aren't.
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"Do I miscalculate?"

"Well, then. Is something detaining you?"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #609, Nicole Kidman in The Hours]

Can you think of anything more exhilarating than a trip to London?
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"Life's full of tough choices, innit?"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #25, Ursula (Pat Carroll) in The Little Mermaid]

P.S. In my humble opinion, Pat Carroll gives the all time best vocal performance in an animated film.

further reading
"She's Gotta Have It" -Disney's Coming of Age
The Black Anemone - Ursula's last known film role
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"You were in the paper today, too..."

"...in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been postponed... indefinitely.'" [sad face]

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #855, Roxie Hart Chicago]

There's nothing like faux sympathy to stick the knife in.
Renée Zellweger

"puff, smoke, dissolve"

Charles Brown: What have I done to you?
Fanny Brawne: You do nothing to me...or for me. And that's how I'd prefer to keep it.
Charles: What?
Fanny: Your offense is to my fashion, Mr. Brown. To which I'm so helplessly slavish.
Charles: I have been ill quoted.

Fanny: "Her obsession with flounce and cross stitch"...?
Charles: Cross stitch. Miss Brawne, I don't even know what that means.
Fanny: I feel the same way about your poems Mr. Brown. I know nothing of what they mean. They puff, smoke, dissolve... leaving nothing but irritation.

[Great moments in screen bitchery #931]

Abbie Cornish (seamstress) and Paul Schneider (poet) butt heads in Bright Star (2009). And this is their first exchange! They'll be at each other's throats for the next 2 hours. [Bright Star, so horrifically snubbed in Oscar World, won 3 gold and 4 bronze medals at this site's 10th annual awards ceremony.]

"You're boring me."

"I have a husband. I don't particularly feel the need for another"

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #422, Sigourney Weaver, The Ice Storm]

A Metaphysical Can of Worms

"I don't see how I could go on living my life
the way I've lived it before"

[Great Moments In Screen Bitchery #17: Catherine Keener, Being John Malkovich]

"Who knows what goes on inside that whore's head?"

[Great Moments In Screen Bitchery #867: Juliette Lewis, Strange Days]

*
*

related ancient post: Monday Monologue "It's Over"
That monologue series got a lot better, didn't it? I shoulda written up this performance proper.
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"Am I supposed to be interested in this?"

[Great Moments In Screen Bitchery #341: Annette Bening, Bugsy]
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"I was giving Michelle Pfeiffer, bitch"

TV @ the Movies

Did you watch the finale of RuPaul's Drag Race earlier this week? For the final challenge they had to do a catsuit clad catfight and a music video "scene" with RuPaul straight outta 80s era Dynasty. I fully expected the series outcome but I was still disappointed. Scary/beautiful Raven was robbed. She was great all season long but for the finale challenge she was the only contestant who understood and nailed the 80s.

"I'm channeling Lisa Lisa. I'm chanelling Kelly LeBrock. I'm channeling Teena Marie."

Raven (2010) & Kelly LeBrock (1985)

I believe this is the first time in the history of the English language that anyone has said "I'm channelling Kelly LeBrock." Or at least the first time anyone's thought of doing so since the mid 80s when LeBrock had her flash-in-the-pan as the ideal female in The Woman in Red (1984) and Weird Science (1985).

By the time they got to the music video challenge, Raven had a loftier icon in mind.

"I was giving Michelle Pfeiffer, bitch.
I was looking at myself in the mirror.
I was looking f***ing good."
___-Raven on RuPaul's Drag Race

I knew there was a reason I loved Raven best. I get his meaning but I love that you can punctuate the sentence either way: comma bitch to address the audience or capital B Bitch as in the name of said Look... 'giving Michelle Pfeiffer Bitch.' When staring at the mirror with 80s hauteur cool one could conceivably say one was 'giving Michelle Pfeiffer Bitch' and be fully understood.

Example: Michelle Pfeiffer giving Michelle Pfeiffer Bitch.


It's a look.
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