Cosmo's 50 Quick Tricks to Feel Sexier Instantly

There's an article in the August issue of Cosmo called "Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks".

No matter how amazing your life is, there are probably days when regardless of your best efforts to get into the groove, it seems as though someone's hijacked your mojo. And it's a damn crime for that to happen at the height of summer - the season when you should feel your absolute sexiest. Well, no longer. There are actually lots of little tweaks you can make that instantly amp up your hotness. We've rounded up 50 quick, easy, sexy energizers.

Well, we hate a mojo hijacking as much as the next person, so we were very excited to read and comment on these tips. (We left out some of the boring ones.) We guarantee that you'll feel sexier just from reading the rest of this post, so let's get to it.

#1 We know it's sensible to wear flip-flops to and from work in the summer. But do your commute in real shoes a couple of times a week. A chick sauntering in 3-inchers is almost impossible to ignore, and collecting admiring looks is such an ego blast.

This tip assumes that everyone works in New York City or another place where your commute to work involves a lot of walking. It also assumes a blissfully street harassment-free world. (Not to mention that high heels increase your chances of getting hurt during your commute.)

#2 Lower your voice when on the phone. There's proof we dip it low when we're speaking to someone we're into. Knowing you sound like a vixen will make you feel even more like one.

I imagine that what this "proof" shows is that lowering your voice in a situation like this is something you would do naturally and without realizing it. Trying to fake a deeper voice will probably just make the person you're talking to think that you have a cold or are a chain smoker or something.

#3 Tuck an herbal tea bag in the corner of your underwear drawer. Slipping into yummy-smelling undergarments makes the mundane routine of getting dressed sensual.

Hiding food items in with your clothes is always super fun and fearless. Just ask Claudia Kishi. And you'll feel extra sensual if the bag tears and you get to clean little tea bits out of the drawer and all of your underwear. Much sexier than just getting a little thing of potpourri or a card sprayed with perfume or something that might actually make some sense.

#4 Check out your body from behind with a hand mirror. It's an angle we're not used to seeing, and the curve of your back and your booty are freakin' sexy.

Is there something especially sensual about twisting myself around like a pretzel trying to get a small glimpse of myself in a hand mirror, or can I just look in a long regular-sized mirror like a normal person?

#7 Change the part of your hair. It will totally alter your appearance, and people will shoot you flattering "Did she do something different?" looks all day long.

If changing the part of your hair really totally altered your appearance, people would actually be shooting you "Who's that? I've never seen her around here before." looks all day long.

#9 Drop lusty words like passionate and stimulating into conversations.

For extra impact, try combining this with tip #2 and say the lusty words in your deep voice.

#10 Maintain hot-chick posture when you're sitting. Stick out your chest, straighten your back, and drape one leg over the other.

We noticed that there are a lot of unnecessarily hyphenated terms on this list. We don't really need for "hot chick" to be hyphenated in order to understand that Cosmo doesn't want us to somehow pose like a sexy baby chicken.

#11 Keep a raunchy diary. A few times a week, write about a fantasy you want to try for real.

Should I write about the same fantasy each time, or do I need to come up with multiple new fantasies each week?

#12 Midday, get your blood circulating with this sexy-house-kitten stretch: Arch your back so your butt sticks out, and lengthen your arms over your head. Ahhh...

Again with the hyphenating. I guess they didn't want to leave us wondering whether it was a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch. Meeeow!

#13 Hang heavy curtains in deep, sultry red to give your boudoir an intimate, seductive True Blood vibe.

Hopefully the decor in your bedroom isn't light pink floral or lavender polka dots or something like that, or you'll just get a "this room clashes with itself" vibe. Also, we love True Blood but is that necessarily the vibe you want in your bedroom? Last time we checked there weren't as many sultry red curtains on the show as there was gushing red blood. Sexy.

#14 Then install some dimmers in the bathroom. You'll feel sexier right out of the shower if you step into a more flattering glow.

Yeah, showering in semi-darkness is totally hot until you try to shave your legs or realize that you mixed up your conditioner and your body wash.

#15 Do some quick Kegels at your desk - maybe while your boss is yapping away and boring the bejesus out of you.

We know that it's a good idea to do Kegels and they can improve your sex life, but is the actual act of doing them really all that sexy? We'll give Cosmo half a point for this one since it is sort of sexy by association.

#16 Instead of blasting the AC, roll down the windows of your car, and rock the road-trip attitude. You'll arrive at your destination looking perfectly windblown and undone, which is so damn alluring, especially in the summertime.

Hopefully you're not on your way to a job interview, jury duty, or a wake.

#17 In lieu of perfume, dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: Your boobs will smell extra fresh.

It's really brave of Cosmo to address the insecurity that so many women feel about whether their boobs are minty fresh enough.

#18 If you're not in a huge rush to get somewhere, take that longer, more scenic street. And by scenic street, we mean the one that all the shirtless, sweaty guys run on.

We love our local Shirtless Sweaty Guy Boulevard. There's one in every town, right?

#19 Don't jump out of bed. Spend a few minutes rolling around, tousling your hair, and nuzzling the pillows and blanket.

Okay, "nuzzling the pillows" is a euphemism for masturbating, right?

#22 Press a fake tattoo onto your outer thigh or the top of your breast. Take your lunch break outside, and hike up your skirt or shed your jacket. Exposing a little peek of the stamp will give you a naughty rush.

Cosmo is so far behind the curve with this tip. Don't they know it's all about va-ttooing now?

#23 Time how long it takes you to eat lunch, and aim to double it. Eating is sensual, but most of us Hoover a meal faster than we can taste it. Slowing down allows you to savor all the flavors, smells, and even sounds - like the crunch of a crisp apple - of your food.

This only works if you have unlimited time set aside for your lunch. Those of us with actual jobs and lives don't always have time to "double" our lunch break.

#24 Concede the towel battle in the morning, and blow-dry your hair and do your makeup naked. Chicks who are comfortable with their bods in the buff have better sex lives.

This tip is basically fine, but the phrase "towel battle" is making us laugh because we're picturing some sort of epic struggle. Fun Fearless Females vs. Evil Towels of Doom, in theaters now!

#25 Use your hands instead of a loofah to suds up in the shower. Gliding them over your wet, slippery body feels sensual.

This isn't Cosmo's fault, but sometimes I can't help associating any mention of a loofah with the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment case and the whole loofah/falafel weirdness, and that's basically as far away from sexy as you can possibly get.

#26 Open the shades in the a.m. The burst of sunlight will instantly wake you up. Plus, the chance that the neighbors may see you in all your naked glory will give you a bad-girl buzz.

You know, just as a general rule I would prefer it if my neighbors didn't see me naked, and if that makes me slightly less sexy in Cosmo's eyes I guess I'll just have to find a way to live with it.

#27 Stand just a couple of inches closer to a hot, single man than you really need to.

I know that whenever someone invades my personal space for no apparent reason, it really turns me on.

#28 Download Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." Studies show that listening to music pumps up your energy. The catch? You don't get a boost by listening to the same tunes on repeat - you have to update.

I'm guessing these studies showing that constantly downloading new music makes you happier were sponsored by iTunes and the RIAA. Personally, I'm happier not downloading any Katy Perry songs, but your mileage may vary.

#30 Remove your top in a tantalizing way: Jut out one hip, cross your arms in front of you, grab the hem of your shirt, and peel it off.

We're starting to feel like we need some diagrams for all of these sexy poses and maneuvers.

#32 The ultimate bad-girl gear? Leathah. Rock a bikeresque cuff with your sweetest summer dress for a naughty-and-nice look.

Add some combat boots and your 1994-themed outfit is complete!

#34 When you feel like you've hit a wall, give yourself license to reminisce about a steamy hookup - play by sizzling play. Experts say that daydreaming can get your creative juices flowing.

All this time we've been unaware that we were supposed to give ourselves specific permission to remember certain things only at certain times. The more you know...

#35 Trade your old college tee and tattered athletic shorts for gym-bunny gear: body-skimming yoga pants and a snug tank. You'll look so cute, you'll want to stay at the gym longer.

Um, no. Looking body-skimming-gym-bunny-snug-sexy is not going to make me want to spend more time working out.

#37 You know how fresh and gorgeous you feel first thing in the morning? By 3 p.m., that feeling starts to fade, so slick on some pretty gloss to reinstate your I'm-so-hot confidence.

I don't know about you, but they lost us when they combined "fresh and gorgeous" with "first thing in the morning". Try "tired and/or hungover".

#38 Go online and purchase a jar of edible body paint. Studies show that just thinking about a fun event (like going all Picasso on a naked man) can give you the energy to power through a slump.

Going all Picasso? So, like, painting an extra eye near his ear and a nose on his forehead? (And are we allowed to actually do it, or just think about it?)

#39 Don't just walk - strut. Swaggering like a total sexpot is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

They really missed a hyphenation opportunity here. Why not call it the self-fulfilling-swaggering-sexpot-strut?

#41 Silence your cell at 9 p.m. Hearing your phone - or even thinking you hear it - can make you jumpy and restless. You'll be more likely to recharge if you don't feel hunted.

Or, depending on what kind of person you are, you'll be even more restless because you're worrying about missing an important call. This also doesn't really have much to do with feeling sexier, so it seems like we're entering 'we have to make it to 50 so just throw anything in there' territory on this list.

#42 Studies prove that we enjoy almost any activity more when we're with other people. Rally a friend to get a Brazilian with you, then reward yourself by splurging on barely there undies that show off your non-coif.

Non-coif? Okay, the made up hyphenated terms just officially stopped being even remotely cute.

#44 Upgrade a blah bottle of water by adding a few slices of lemon.

Now this one is totally over-the-top. Sorry, but lemon slices are just too sexy for me.

#45 Put a small, fluffy rug underneath your desk. Midway through the day, take off your shoes and scrunch your toes into the soft, comforting material.

If you work at Starbucks or you're a teacher or something, you might get some funny looks with this one.

#49 Let a sly little half-smile play on your lips. You'll come across as coy and mysterious.

Or you'll come across as someone who is randomly and weirdly smiling for no reason. This could be another combo tip though - combine the sly half-smile with hot-chick posture for bonus sexiness!

#50 It's hot and muggy. When it drizzles, "forget" your umbrella and let yourself - and your shirt - get wet. Whoops!

You'll feel so sensual when you're damp and sticky for hours afterward, or freezing to death at your air conditioned destination.

Well, we definitely feel like sexy-house-kitten hot-chick bad-girls now. Thanks Cosmo!

Kathy Griffin's Words to Live By: Lighten Up... or Suck It

This may be almost old news by now, but I don't care. I love Kathy Griffin and while I don't always agree with everything she says, I do think some people are overreacting on this one.

By now you may have already seen episode 4 of this season's My Life on the D-List, in which Kathy went to Washington, D.C. in order to promote support for overturning Don't Ask Don't Tell (if not, you're behind, hurry up and check your DVR). In it, she made a crack about Cosmo's favorite naked senator, Scott Brown, that has everyone up in arms.

Griffin has gotten criticism on this one from both sides - from right-wing conservatives to liberal feminists - but honestly, I don't see what the huge deal was. Feel free to disagree with me (in fact, I'm sure a lot of you do, and that's okay). This is just my personal take on it and I'll explain why...

But first, in case you missed the joke itself and only read about the "aftermath", here's a clip:

KATHY GRIFFIN: Scott Brown-

JOHN KING, CNN: That’s excellent.

KATHY GRIFFIN: -who is a Senator from Massachusetts-

DANA BASH, CNN: Yeah.

KATHY GRIFFIN: -and has two daughters that are prostitutes.

KATHY GRIFFIN (VOICE OVER): And now, a brief message from Bravo’s legal team: Scott Brown’s daughters are not prostitutes. We now return you to our regularly scheduled negativity.

In case you need a little background on why this topic even came up, Kathy was in Washington, D.C. to help support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. The gimmick of that particular scene was that Kathy was completely ignorant about politics (semi-true) and needed some "experts" (King and Bash) to give her a crash course "study session". They held up pictures of various political figures and Kathy jokingly showed off her ignorance.

“Remember when the Republicans tried to get that nutbag Sarah Palin to sound credible before the vice presidential debates? They had a board and ran flash cards to teach her the tough stuff, like there is both a North and South Korea. Well, that’s sort of like what John and Dana did for me.”

I have to admit that when I watched that scene, I laughed. Not because I think it's funny to call people prostitutes, but because I got the joke.

When I think of Scott Brown the first thing I think of is his January 2010 acceptance speech. (Okay, okay, that's the second thing... the first thing is Cosmo's obsession over his fictional "abs of steel" but the acceptance speech is close behind). You know what I'm talking about right?

"As always, I rely on Gail's love and support, and that of our two lovely daughters. So I want to thank Ayla and Arianna for their help as well. Just in case anyone who's watching throughout the country, yes they're both available."

The whole ESC remembers talking to each other about the oddness of that speech way back when it happened (we also wrote a blog about Glenn Beck which referenced it) so that's why Kathy's joke made me laugh. If I didn't know anything else about Scott Brown except the contents of that speech, my immediate reaction to his name/photo would be "the guy who said his two daughters were available." So of course, Kathy Griffin, being as awesome as she is, took it further into an outrageous joke (because, well, that's kinda her thing) and referenced him as the guy who "has two daughters that are prostitutes".

Now Kathy has gotten a lot of slack over that joke - which she loves, no doubt - for a variety of reasons. Some feel that it was unfair to target Brown's daughters, some feel that Kathy was slut-shaming them, some feel that she was mocking sex workers, some feel that the joke was just inappropriate and tasteless.

Scott Brown has made a statement in response to the joke:

“People can call me any name they want, but families are off limits. I love my daughters Ayla and Arianna very much, and any parent would be proud to have them as children. Kathy Griffin and Bravo ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

Ah, the hypocritical families are off limits defense yet again. Now I do agree that it's shitty for politicians and the media to attack or mock the children of public figures... but this isn't exactly the same thing.

The point of Kathy's joke wasn't that Brown's daughters are prostitutes or sluts; Ayla and Arianna weren't the target of the joke at all. Scott Brown himself is the butt of the joke; the humor comes from Brown's own exploitation of them in his speech. Okay, maybe "exploitation" is too strong a word to use in regards to what was probably just meant to be a cheesy joke or off-hand comment, but I'm drawing a blank on another word that would make more sense - other than "creepy sexist weirdness" - to describe a U.S. senator "offering up" his daughters on national television, even in jest. (Even Cosmo took a brief break from their endless fawning coverage of Brown to admit that they "couldn't help feeling a little mortified" for his daughters after that comment.) Also, let's remember that Brown's daughters are both grown women, not say, a 13-year-old girl being called a dog on TV.

The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, of course, had something to say about it:

ELISABETH HASSELBECK: It's actually not really funny, and I know his daughters actually, and they're anything but that, and they –

JOY BEHAR: It's a joke, Elisabeth. It's just a joke.

HASSELBECK: Well no, no, no, no, no! We've always said politicians' kids are off limits. If someone went around calling Barack Obama's two girls prostitutes, people would be up in arms. [...]

HASSELBECK: You defend your daughters against scum who comes after them, and calls them someone like a prostitute.

BEHAR: Are you calling Kathy scum now? Are you calling her scum?

HASSELBECK: If someone called your daughter a prostitute, would you think they'd be scum? I'd call someone scum if they called my daughter a prostitute.

BEHAR: I know my daughter is not a prostitute, so it's funny to me. [emphasis mine]

Interestingly enough, Hasselbeck is outraged at the thought of Brown's daughters being jokingly called prostitutes, but she didn't seem to have any concerns about her own slut-shaming of other people. How about when she criticized Erin Andrews for wearing not-that-risque outfits on Dancing with the Stars, even going so far as to joke about the fact that Andrews was therefore somehow to blame for being a stalking victim. (And then she supposedly lied about calling her to apologize). Of course, Brown's daughters are "anything but that" so they deserve defending. But I digress...

The whole "if it was Obama's daughters" thing is ridiculous. Both sides of the political spectrum love to play the "if it was Obama" game, but sorry conservatives, it's never going to work in your favor because it's your side that's better known for its sexism and racism. (Not saying that the left is immune from that kind of thing, because obviously they aren't, but just that the right can be pretty damn hypocritical about it.) In this case, the comparison just doesn't work. First of all, they're little kids - Sasha is only 9 and Malia is 12- so that kind of joke would probably cross the line, no matter what the back story was. But more importantly there would be no back story. As of yet President Obama hasn't made any "my daughters are available" cracks on television so there wouldn't be any context to make such a joke.

And then there's the "someone like a prostitute" line. There's something rather interesting about the fact that the outrage isn't necessarily just over the fact that Kathy joked about his daughters... but the specific content of the joke itself. She called them prostitutes, which apparently is the most horrible thing you can possibly call someone's daughters. I don't love the idea of people throwing around the words "whore", "hooker" or "prostitute" as insults or attacks. (Now that's not to say that I think Kathy meant to insult or attack Brown's daughters, because I don't. We have already covered this.) I'm not going to pretend that I know she thinks of prostitutes in a super-awesome pro-sex-workers kind of way... I have no idea how she feels about the sex work industry.

But it's pretty clear from the reactions to her joke how some people feel about sex workers.

Representative Barney Frank described her comment as “wholly unfair and inappropriate" and a "completely unfair attack.” Hasselbeck is outraged at the idea of her daughters even being called someone like a prostitute. (What does that mean anyway, a slut?) During the same segment, Whoopi Goldberg actually said that if someone made a joke like that about her daughter, she would "beat their ass". (Kinda funny considering that she has repeatedly defended Mel Gibson, who is on tape calling the mother of his child a whore and much worse.) Would there have been this kind of outrage if Kathy had joked that Scott Brown's daughters were dentists or ballet dancers or models or garbage collectors or waitresses? Of course not.

Here at Evil Slutopia, we feel pretty strongly about sex-workers rights and are very much against slut-shaming (obviously) so we wouldn't be down with the joke if we truly felt that's what it was. I've already said it, but I'll say it again... We have to remember that Kathy's joke has absolutely nothing to do with Brown's daughters in actuality. That is, she's not actually calling his daughters prostitutes or comparing them to prostitutes. She's not commenting on any of their past or current behavior, on the way they dress, on their sex lives or dating histories. She's not. The joke is about the fact that Brown made a stupid, creepy, sexist comment about his daughters. The joke is about that comment; it's NOT about his daughters.

She's not slut-shaming Scott Brown's daughters, if anything she's pimp-shaming (I'm totally gonna trademark that phrase) Scott Brown. But even more so, she's calling out the media for not having a sense of humor. Kathy explained the joke on a recent episode of The Joy Behar Show:

Look, here’s the deal. The genesis of the joke, like, does anybody remember that the night he was elected, he made a joke – he was clearly making a joke – saying, "By the way, my daughters are available." And then, the Washington press beat up on him saying he was pimping out his daughters. So, on My Life on the D List, we actually had some real, you know, Washington insiders showing me, like, 15 pictures of people on the Hill, et cetera, and my joke was I didn’t know who they were. So they showed me a picture of Sonia Sotomayor, and I say, "Oh, the maid from Will and Grace." There’s the joke. Then they show me Scott Brown, and I go, "His daughters are prostitutes," meaning, like, word association. So people got their panties in a bunch.

I think Brown's joke about his daughters being available was inappropriate and kinda sleazy, so I'm not shocked that Kathy would choose that to poke fun at. Was it the most hilarious thing she's ever said? No, but I still laughed. Was it tasteful? Of course not. Was it appropriate? Maybe not. But this is Kathy Griffin - tasteless and inappropriate is pretty much what she lives for. We also have to remember that SHE'S A COMIC. She's not a politician or a journalist. Her job is to be funny and yes... in appropriate.

I'm not suggesting that everyone has to agree with me or think the joke was funny or become a fan of Kathy Griffin. I just think we need to acknowledge that this was not a malicious comment. Kathy may say some pretty mean things about some people, but this wasn't one of them. Kathy responded to Hasselbeck calling her "scum":

"Now I have to send Elisabeth Hasselbeck two muffin baskets because she confronted me when I was a guest on the show two weeks ago and then this morning she called me 'scum'. I have to send two baskets because as a comedian, I'm loving it. [...] The bottom line is, lighten up!"

Kathy also quoted the great Bette Midler: "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." Either that, or they can just SUCK IT.

Related Posts:

• View/Review
• Kathy Griffin Purgatory
• In defense of sex workers
• Cosmo's Brilliant Scott Brown Coverage Continues

Does Cosmo Think Hilary Duff Is Plus-Sized?

There's an article in the August issue of Cosmo called "The Sexiest Jeans for Your Body". According to the article, finding these jeans is a simple three step process:

1. Locate your shape.
2. See which styles flatter you most.
3. Step out looking smokin'.

There are four shape categories (that should be enough to cover all the different body types out there, right?) with a celebrity example for each category: Baby Got Back, Curvylicious, Shorty, and Bitty Booty. Cute names, but not overly helpful.


So for Shorty we've got Vanessa Hudgens (sounds about right), Bitty Booty is AnnaLynne McCord (no argument there), Baby Got Back is Shakira (we'll give them that one), and Curvylicious is...Hilary Duff?

Here's how Cosmo describes the most flattering styles for "curvylicious" women:

"Wide-leg, boot-cut, and flared denim balance out fuller thighs. Opt for a dark rinse or fading in the center of the leg - both are slimming."

If I had heard that description without knowing anything about the cutesy category names, I would have assumed that this was the category for plus-sized women, or maybe for women who are pear shaped or something like that. Hilary Duff isn't really the first person that I would think of when thinking about people who need "slimming" pants that balance out their "fuller thighs". (Not that anyone of any size ever really "needs" to wear anything just because it's allegedly slimming.)

Here's another recent picture of Hilary:

Wow, it's so courageous of her to be out in public with her fuller thighs exposed like that. Good thing she's wearing a slimming black dress or we'd all be overwhelmed by her curvyliciousness.

Now, I admit that this is really far from the worst or most offensive thing that Cosmo has ever done. It's a minor point. But it annoys me because I feel like they chose these "fun" names for their categories so that they could sort of vaguely allude to the fact that there are lots of different body types out there without actually having to show anyone who isn't conventionally attractive and thin. At the same time, by throwing someone like Hilary Duff into the category with the tips that would best apply to people who are plus sized, they're basically leaving people thinking that if someone who looks like Hilary is supposed to be wearing slimming pants, then the rest of us are just screwed.

I did start to think that maybe I was being a little too hard on Cosmo on this one, but then I picked up the August issue of Glamour. It's their Jeans Issue, so they also had an article on finding the best jeans for your body. It's got twice as many categories as the Cosmo piece, and with more helpful and descriptive names: Tall, Skinny Legs, Hourglass, Apple-Shaped, Short-Waisted, Short Legs, Plus-Sized, and Pear-Shaped. And instead of the celebrity photos, they've got before and after pictures of real women who truly fit the categories. Imagine that. There's also a piece called "What's Your Perfect Pair of Jeans?" that features a fairly diverse group of "stylish" women (models, actresses, musicians, stylists, artists, and even a blogger) talking about their favorite jeans. There are a couple of seriously "curvylicious" women in there, and they look awesome. So I think the lesson here for Cosmo is that it's really not hard and doesn't take much to show your readers just a little bit more respect.

It's Official: The AFA Hates Home Depot, Loves Evil Slutopia

Remember when we recently wrote about all of the reasons why we think that the One Million Moms have been reading our blog? Well, we're now convinced that their parent organization, the American Family Association, is reading too.

Earlier this month, we put together a Totally Gay Company Boycott List in response to the AFA's protest of Home Depot. We sarcastically said that we were unimpressed with the lack of effort that went into this protest:

Why Home Depot? Or, why just Home Depot? There are a lot of big companies that sponsor gay pride events each year. Shouldn't the AFA target them all, or at least go for the worst offenders?

...And if you are going to choose just one company to target, shouldn't you go big? Last year when the AFA decided to boycott PepsiCo because of the company's support of the LGBT community, the protest went on for months with multiple action alerts and even spun off to its own Boycott Pepsi website with fliers and petitions and other fun stuff. So we felt like this year's anti-Home Depot effort just seemed kinda lazy by comparison...and then we found proof.

We were looking through some old emails from the One Million Moms...and we came across an action alert from July of 2009. Which lucky company was being protested by the OMM at this time last summer? Home Depot. Why? Because they were conducting workshops for kids at a gay pride parade. Well, that sounds familiar. And if you read last year's alert and compare it to this year's alert from the AFA, you'll see that it gets even better. No, really, go and read them, I'll wait. Yes, it's true - the AFA is not only recycling a protest from last year, they're also recycling a slightly polished up version of the same exact action alert. Really, AFA? That's so half-assed. We would be so disappointed in you if we didn't disagree with everything that you stand for.

So imagine our surprise at what we found when we checked the AFA's website yesterday. There's a new action alert entitled "AFA makes it official: Don't shop at The Home Depot", and it directs us to the new site BoycottTheHomeDepot.com (actually just a redirect to a page on the AFA's site). There's a logo, a boycott pledge to sign, fliers to print out, instructions about spreading the news on facebook, a reference to the "homosexual agenda", and so on.

It's basically everything that we jokingly criticized them for not having in the previous action alert, but done in a way that still kinda looks quickly thrown together. And the focus is still all about Home Depot's sponsorship of gay pride events, which makes this whole thing feel like a belated boycott. June is Pride Month and the Southern Maine Pride event that Home Depot co-sponsored and the AFA freaked out over was on June 19th.

So what were they waiting for to launch this boycott? Well, we think it's a two-part explanation. One, Home Depot has apparently refused to cave in to the AFA's protest so far and has said that they will continue to be involved with pride events and allow employees to participate. (Here's their Contact page if you'd like to thank them for not listening to the AFA's homophobic nonsense.) And two, they're obviously reading our blog and they were shamed by our criticism of their half-assed, useless protest. It makes perfect sense.

Now that we know that the AFA is reading, we're thinking that maybe we'll start taking requests. So what do you all think we should "suggest" to them for their next futile action alert?

UPDATE: Apparently the AFA decided to give their Home Depot boycott site an extra layer of suckitude by using copyrighted photos of the Southern Maine Pride event without the knowledge or permission of the photographer. Check out Brittany Rae Photography for their full gallery of photos from the event. Thank you to our anonymous commenter for catching this and contacting the photographer!

Abortion on Television

So Adrian on The Secret Life of the American Teenager decided NOT to have an abortion on Monday. We are shocked. Only not really.

Of course she didn't have the abortion. Even though she is 17 years old... and in high school... and not at all religious... and regretted having a revenge one-night-stand with Ben... who she isn't in a relationship with... because he's in love with Amy... she obviously wanted to keep the baby. Because only a horrible person would have an abortion, right?

Oh no! Not the A-word!

This is the show that the One Million Moms have claimed supports abortion (obviously not) and is a brutally realistic portrayal of sex. Really? This is brutally realistic?

This show is more melodramatic and unrealistic than a soap opera. Adrian is pregnant with Ben's baby, who she slept with to get back at Ricky, who had a baby with Amy, who Ben is in love with. It's like the most ridiculous love triangle square since Beverly Hills, 90210's Brenda-Dylan-Kelly-Brandon craziness... only PLUS BABIES! (It rivals only the brothers/vampire/doppelganger mix-and-match that's brewing on The Vampire Diaries but at least that show doesn't have to worry about being called too realistic).

I'm sorry, but when I was in high school (and college for that matter) most of the girls who got pregnant unexpectedly had abortions. They just did. I'm not saying it's the right decision for everyone or that it's necessarily an easy decision (and while I'm definitely pro-choice, I'm not by any means "pro-abortion"). It's just that if you want to be "realistic" you have to acknowledge that abortion does exist as a choice and not just as the no-one-would-actually-do-that choice.

For three seasons, Adrian has been the What Not To Do character on the show, (which also made her the only character I could even remotely relate to). But now suddenly she is redeemed... by choosing life. And I feel somehow betrayed. Adrian is smarter than this. There's no way that she would want to be a mom at 17. I don't believe that she would look at Amy's life as a teen mom - juggling school, work, a baby, a baby-daddy, a boyfriend, and a crazy family - and think that that was the right decision for her as well.

There's no way for me to perfectly articulate what I'm feeling about this without sort of coming off like I don't approve of people who "choose life" when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Of course I do (hell, I was one of them) and I definitely don't want to imply that I think every pregnant teenager should necessarily have an abortion. I just think that this decision is uncharacteristic of the character Adrian.

Twenty seven percent of pregnancies among 15–19-year-olds ended in abortion in 2006 (according to the Guttmacher Institute). That means, there were over 200,000 abortions among that age group. I think that if The Secret Life was a real high school, at least one of the unplanned pregnancies on that show would've resulted in termination. So I think that this show gives an unrealistic portrayal of teens and sex.

Abortion is NOT the right choice for everyone, but The Secret Life sends the message that it's not the right choice for anyone. (Remind me again why the One Million Moms don't like this show?)

Two other shows recently (earlier this year) took on the abortion issue... Private Practice (ABC) and Friday Night Lights (NBC). Private Practice did the usual she's-already-just-about-to-get-it-done-when-she-has-a-change-of-heart type switcheroo. In this case, the (normally anti-abortion, except when it comes to her daughter) mom was pushing for the abortion and the pregnant teen was sort of just going along with it out of fear. But then she sees a newborn baby and magically it's "Oh my miracle-of-life, I want one of those cute little things!" Meh.

But Friday Night Lights took a different approach. [SPOILER ALERT: The entire season has already aired on DirecTV, but the NBC airings are still going on right now, so if you haven't seen the last few episodes of the season yet, stop reading now.]

The main difference about FNL was that that an abortion actually happened!!! The OMM must not have seen it or their heads would have literally exploded. (If we see an OMM action alert about this show pop up sometime soon then that will definitely be the official proof that they read our blog because so far this show has totally been off their radar for some reason. Probably because the network isn't called "NBC Family" so they don't care what happens on it.)

Not only does the pregnant teen, Becky, actually go through with terminating the pregnancy, but when she goes to the principal of the school for advice, she actually gives her all the options. (Becky asks her "do you think this means I'm going to hell?" and she tells her no. So simple, yet so rare in network television.) Even more surprising than the fact that the Becky actually has an abortion, is that it didn't ruin her life afterward! Not to say that there weren't any negative consequences... but they weren't on Becky.

Rather, the high school principal, Tami Taylor, was attacked by some anti-choice locals for counseling Becky and giving her all the legal options. The school board and the community went crazy and tried to get her fired if she didn't make a public apology. But here's the best part... she actually prepares an apology, but when she gets in front of the crowd she can't bring herself to say it. Instead she tells them that she acted in the best interest of the student and so that's what she will always do because that's her job. Love it.

We felt like taking a little stroll down memory lane by looking at how some other TV shows have handled the issue in the past. (This is obviously far from a comprehensive list, but rather, just some of the ESC's own memorable abortion-on-TV moments.)

• Maude. Even though we were too young to actually see this episode when it originally aired in 1972, any list on this subject has to begin with Maude, because it was one of the only early TV abortions that didn't result in any instant negative consequences.
• Another World.Of course, many mistake Maude for network TV's first abortion, but really it was just the first legal abortion. TV's first illegal abortion took place way back in 1964 on this NBC soap. The character Pat almost dies from complications, finds out she may be sterile, and murders the boyfriend who pressured her to have it. (Of course, she ends up being acquitted of murder, marrying her lawyer, and having twins.)
• All My Children. Erica Kane had daytime TV's first legal abortion (and the first abortion to be shown on TV after Roe v. Wade) in a controversial storyline in 1973. She choose abortion simply because she isn't ready and doesn't want to have a child at that time (and well, she doesn't want to get fat). This storyline became controversial again decades later when the writers decide to rewrite history (and science!) by claiming that the doctor who was supposed to have performed the abortion actually stole Erica's embryo and implanted it into his own wife. The character previously thought to be an aborted fetus, Josh, was a regular on the show for a few years, until he was conveniently killed right around the same time that his half-sister needed a heart transplant. Only on soaps.
• Degrassi High. Possibly my earliest personal memories of abortion on television were of the Canadian show Degrassi High. In an episode that originally aired in 1989, Erica has an abortion and her twin sister Heather - despite thinking it's murder - supports her and goes with her to the clinic. Some other girl finds out about it and starts plastering her locker with pro-life fliers until they end up having a huge fight in the hallway. Heather later ends up needing counseling to deal with the fact that she helped "end a life", but Erica seems relatively well adjusted afterward, although she does mention that she never wants to have to go through that again.
• Degrassi: The Next Generation. Apparently there was also an abortion episode in the new Degrassi series in 2004, although I'm not sure if it ever aired in the U.S. From what I've read, Manny gets pregnant by Craig and then Spike - who had a baby in high school back in the original series (who happens to have grown up into Emma, Manny's best friend) - advises her to have an abortion and she does. No wonder they didn't want to show that episode in the U.S.
• The Real World. This may have been "reality" TV, but when Tami from season 2 of The Real World talked openly about her pregnancy and abortion on the show in 1993 it felt really brave. And even though some of her roommates clearly disagreed with her decision, they supported her, which was pretty cool.
• Dawson's Creek. Dawson's mom gets pregnant and is wondering if she should have an abortion. Dawson, of course, being the douche that he is, is totally against it. He talks it over with Pacey's older sister (who I think he was dating at the time?) and she admits that she had an unplanned pregnancy in the past. She made "a decision" (we don't learn what it was) and then a week later she conveniently has a miscarriage, letting her "get off easy". Then Dawson's mom decides not to have an abortion anyway.
• Felicity. When Ruby got pregnant, she goes to get info about abortion and a doctor assures her that abortion doesn't hurt much and is safer than child birth. Not bad. But then when she finally decides to get an abortion, she changes her mind in the clinic, after seeing a woman carrying a baby. Then she realizes that having a baby will solve all her unhappiness, because that's totally how it works.
• Six Feet Under. Claire has an abortion in season 3 and then goes on with her life seemingly without guilt or sadness. Of course, later, in a dream/hallucination/trip-to-heaven-with-dead-Dad she sees all her dead loved ones hanging out together in the park including her dead sister-in-law Lisa who is holding Claire's abortion fetus - which somehow moved on into the after life as a fully developed infant. Lisa tells her "You take care of Maya [Lisa's daughter] and I'll take care of her." Okay.
• Jack and Bobby. A character crosses state lines to have an abortion. And then before we can tell if she's going to have some post-abortion consequences or not, SHE DIES (in a car accident). Come on....
• One Tree Hill. Peyton gets pregnant unexpectedly, but she and fiance Lucas are thrilled. Several months later, complications arise and they learn that it's a high risk pregnancy and Peyton may die if she carries the pregnancy to term. Lucas would rather she have an abortion than risk losing her but Peyton refuses. They both agree on continuing the pregnancy after a convenient "sign" in the form of the baby kicking at just the right moment. Peyton ends up going into labor on her wedding night (typical OTH melodrama), having an emergency c-section and a healthy baby, almost dying, but pulling through. And they all live happily ever after. They do get credit for actually using the word "abortion" and showing a very messy and emotional argument about what to do that represented both sides fairly well, rather than dancing around the issue and using vague euphemisms like "take care of it" like many shows do.
• Beverly Hills, 90210.When good-girl Andrea got pregnant, she considered abortion (which her boyfriend broke up with her for!) but then not only did she have the baby but she married the guy. Later in season 7, bad-girl Valerie pretends to be pregnant and has a fake abortion for attention or money or ratings or something.
• 90210. On the "new" 90210, Adriana undoubtedly has the most dramatic life any teenager has ever had. So far, she has gone from from actress to drug addict to pregnant teen to cheating girlfriend back to drug addict to temporary lesbian to pop sensation to maybe high school drop out (we'll find out soon enough). When Adriana found out she was pregnant, she couldn't have an abortion because she was too far along and therefore it was "illegal". (Of course, that doesn't make much sense seeing as she wasn't even showing yet and abortion is legal in California until about 6 months.)

What are some of your favorite and least favorite ways that television shows (or movies) have handled the topic of abortion?

Gallagher Drops Gay Elf Bombshell

The very popular and relevant watermelon-smashing prop comic Gallagher recently decided to share some of his views on the world during a performance in Bremerton, WA:

"Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say—you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!" I am too busy losing my mind to catch the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer. Aaaaand we're off.

Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because "their" baggy pants make it too hard for "them" to run from the cops). Tattoos: "That ink goes through to your soul—if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT." People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: "Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!" Guantánamo Bay: "We weren't even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torture—that's nothin' compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did." Lesbians: "There's two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones." (Um, like all people?) Obama again: "If Obama was really black, he'd act like a black guy and get a white wife." Michael Vick: "Poor Michael Vick." Women's lib: "These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON'T." Trans people: "People like Cher's daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one." The Rice Krispies elves: "All three of those guys are gay. Look at 'em!" The Mexicans: "Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They'll be here later for the cleanup." The French: "They ruin our language with their faggy words."

Above all, everything is gay, gay, gay to Gallagher. He leans into it with the borderline-­nonsensical, icked-out, ignorant glee of a boy—or the protest-too-much vigor of a GOP senator. Gallagher delivers your Bible verse for the day: "Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn't properly lubricated?" He relates a story about spilling mouthwash onto his crotch during a show: "Lucky for me, there was no homosexuals in the area—'cause my balls was minty fresh." At other points during the show, Gallagher says, "Men and women can't live in the same house" and "There's no way men and women can have a relationship." He says he can't remember why he used to feel pleasure in looking at a woman. And, "There's only one kind of homosexual guy, and that's the pretty ones—why do homosexual men have to be so good-looking?" Gallagher. Listen. Is there something you want to share with us? [The Stranger via ONTD. Emphasis mine.]

Now, many people will read this and choose to focus on how unbelievably racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and generally ridiculous these comments are. But I think that's all obvious enough, so we can turn our attention to the real breaking news here. The Rice Krispies elves are gay?! Wow, those sneaky gays really are everywhere. It's amazing that we all grew up not knowing that Snap, Crackle, and Pop were secret agents of The Gay Agenda.

It was 20 years ago that Pentecostal minister and radio host Joseph Chambers outed Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie: "They’re two grown men sharing a house — and a bedroom! They share clothes. They eat and cook together. They vacation together and have effeminate characteristics. In one show Bert teaches Ernie how to sew. In another, they tend plants together. If this isn’t meant to represent a homosexual union, I can’t imagine what it’s supposed to represent."

Then in 1999, Jerry Falwell outed Tinky Winky, the gay Teletubby: "He is purple - the gay-pride colour; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol...As a Christian I feel that role modelling the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children." Several years later, Focus on the Family and the American Family Association teamed up to expose a pro-gay indoctrination video for children starring Spongebob Squarepants, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, and other popular characters. What would we do without the constant vigilance of such committed activists?*

Since then, the world has been waiting. Waiting for another conservative, right-wing, homophobic man with the courage to force animated children's characters out of the closet. Bravo, Gallagher. Your bravery is inspiring. But your comedy sucks.


*More peace and quiet, less stress, no blog material.

New York Minute...

We're getting a little psyched for the upcoming BlogHer conference because this summer BlogHer is coming to New York City! We are gonna represent our home town! Anyway, since we have New York on the brain, we thought we throw out a quick little link roundup about some stuff (both good and bad) that's happening in New York lately.

Good New York News

• Bye Bye Rush Limbaugh!

We hear that Limbaugh has sold his Manhattan condo. We hope this means that he is leaving our city for good (like he promised last year) and not coming back! Good riddance! Get out of our city! [Wall Street Journal]

• Thierry Henry Joins the Red Bulls 

New York's hilariously named soccer team has signed Thierry Henry, French striker from Barcelona. He and captain Juan Pablo Angel are expected to give the Red Bulls "the most dynamic duo" in Major League Soccer. [Daily News]

• New York is Full of Surprises, Including Old Boats!

A 32-foot-long ship hull, that apparently was used in the 18th century as part of the fill that extended lower Manhattan into the Hudson River, was found buried at the World Trade Center site! [Associated Press via Yahoo! News]


Bad New York News

• The Yankees Lose Two Legends in One Week

Bob Sheppard, public announcer and "the voice of the Yankees" died Sunday at age 99 and George Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees for three decades, died Tuesday of a heart attack at age 80. Rest in Peace. [Associated Press via Yahoo! News]

•  New Yorkers Are Still Freaking Out Over a Mosque

 Almost a month after we wrote about "outraged" people against a "mosque" "at" ground zero, people are still being Islamophobic, xenophobic, racist assholes about it. A few days ago the NYC Landmarks Preservation Commission met to discuss trying to designate the building a landmark... all to prevent a "citadel of Islamic supremacy to be erected in its place." Ugh. [Gawker]

• The Secret Life is Tarnishing Our Reputation One Episode at a Time

This season of OMM-favorite The Secret Life of the American Teenager partially takes place in New York City, because teen mom Amy Jergens is at some NYC teen mom band camp. Ugh, get out of our city! [ABC Family]

•  The National Organization of Marriage is Coming...

On Saturday, NOM is coming to Albany as part of its "Summer for Marriage: One Man, One Woman" country-wide tour. Ugh, get out of our state capital! [Courage Campaign]