Wonkette

Oh, America, your president turned 49 today! Birthdays are the most important part of our culture, and nothing is going on right now in politics, so of course Obama’s “big day” (ugh) is a big deal. CNN decided to mark the occasion by commissioning a cute poll that asked Americans how certain they are that Obama was born in the United States. Only 11% said he DEFINITELY wasn’t. Organizing for America has organized for America “parties,” which are basically just phone-banking events. But that pissed off some guy at Politico, because ONLY AUTHORITARIAN REGIMES CELEBRATE THEIR LEADER’S BIRTHDAYS. And also the RNC made up some “humorous” online birthday cards. MORE »

• Blind prophet and weepy Twitterer Glenn Beck favorited a tweet celebrating his favorite skin color, white! [ThinkProgress]
• Obama’s filthy stimulus money is not going to pay for RedState’s personal in-office hooker, as promised. Instead it’s going to monkeys and ants! What’s next, volcano monitoring? [RedState]
• Doctors are all awful racists, therefore it is okay that everyone else is racist and stereotype everyone, everywhere, forever. [HumanEvents]
• Slow news day? Don’t worry, it’s trend piece Wednesday! Apparently, all men in New York are now gay, thanks to poverty. [NYO via DailyIntel]
• Andrew Breitbart gently felates himself on his own website with an extremely favorable comparison to legendary muckraker Archie Bunker. [Breitbart]

Here is Katie Couric running through a script about Sarah Palin the day John McCain picked her as his running mate and—OH NO—she says the same thing about Sarah Palin’s children that has been said by every person ever. Why does she hate Trig so much? Stop making fun of him, Katie! See, she hates Sarah Palin, and that’s why Palin couldn’t answer her questions when she interviewed her. It makes so much sense now! Sarah Palin isn’t dumb! Katie Couric just hated her! MORE »

Sharron Angle Quotes! “And these programs that you mentioned—that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward—are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment. We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government. We’re supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not for our government.” WHY ARE WE NOT PROSECUTING OBAMA FOR THIS? OUR COURTS WILL OVERTURN HEALTH CARE ON FIRST-COMMANDMENT GROUNDS. MORE »

Sarah Palin knows that one of the things that makes modern America great is that we don’t abide losers, especially when it comes to politics. Once you’ve lost, you should just get the hell out and go home, because America is bored with you (unless you lost as a running mate, obviously). Really, how did we manage to stay awake through all those Bryan-McKinley and Eisenhower-Stevenson elections? That’s why, in a heroic attempt to save Maryland from the crushing ennui of a gubernatorial race that’s a repeat of the one from four years ago, she’s endorsed an unelectable right-winger that nobody has ever heard of. MORE »

Iowa Congressman and racism expert Steve King heard that some Beltway libtards were going to discuss the question, “Does Christianity require America to just give out amnesty to all the illegals, or what?” Of course, the bleeding-hearts concluded that yes, let’s just let any Messican flag desecrationist with a toilet seat come here and live, and give ‘em a free churro too while you’re at it. King has written a thing proving that this conclusion is WRONG. Please get out your King Steve-King Bible and turn to the Book of Steve King, where we will discover the real answers to all of America’s immigration problems. MORE »

With the 2010 elections coming up and the Republicans poised to make real gains, fearless leader Michael Steele has hit upon a clever new strategy: talking to foreign diplomats, who can’t vote, can’t give money to U.S. election campaigns, and can’t be seen interfering in America’s internal political affairs, because their jobs require them to be “diplomatic.” This sort of outside-the-box thinking is exactly why Steele got the RNC job in the first place, and … wait, what? Prominent Republicans are upset about this? What the hell is wrong with them? MORE »

Perfectly nice Congressional-liberal-electing organization Blue America probably did not expect to get a public tongue-lashing on electioneering strategy from a blog mostly known for political buttsex jokes, back eight months ago when some eager intern added “tips@wonkette.com” to their distribution list. But when your morning editor deviated from his usual policy and actually clicked a link in a press release email breathlessly extolling a new billboard on the side of some Ohio interstate, a contrarian urge was stirred, and now Wonkette must proclaim the following, ex cathedra: golf is a boring and counterproductive trope in attack-ad narratives! Please, please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it. MORE »

Your Wonkette sold her teevee to buy new Blingee features and also send $$ to SarahPAC, so she can’t watch the motion-picture news anymore on an actual TrueTube. But a helpful tipster sent this picture of their own teevee broadcasting a CNN news reel, with very interesting information in the “DEVELOPING STORY” box: Apparently, Manhattan’s new Cordoba House/Islamic terror resort and nightclub-mosque is going to be built not only near Ground Zero, but also “near 9/11.” What does it mean? MORE »

Huzzah! The Washington Post Op-Ed page is relevant again, to Harry Reid! This makes up for the loss of journalistimistical champions Woodward and Bernstein and also legendary tablecloth-reviewer Sally Quinn. (Oh wait, she has a blog! This is what happens, when you are an alleged former mistress and confirmed lifelong dingbat; you get to write a blog about Jesus.) MORE »

• You probably just assumed that Elana Kagan has been on the Supreme Court for months, stone cold legislating from the bench and making everyone have gay abortions without their guns or whatever, but in fact she still has to be confirmed by the full Senate. Is this a thing that will happen? Probably! The New York Times has a convenient chart of Senators, and what they think of our future Judge-Dictator. MORE »

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The Detroit Tigers have miraculously beaten the White Sox and primary results continue to come in slowly from Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas, your Middle America triangle of excitement. We have yet to rule out Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox as the “Governor of Cox” and future source of plentiful dick jokes, but it doesn’t look good for him, because there is a nerd that Michiganders apparently like. A NERD! In Kansas, soon-to-be-former Sen. Sam Brownback has gotten his brown back, winning the GOP nod for governor. And in Missouri, nepotism is in full force as the Senate nominations have been called for Pope Blunt and Popess Carnahan. WHEN WILL THIS CONSTANT EXCITEMENT AND SITE-BREAKING PAGEVIEWZ END? MORE »

Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state bird is the western meadowlark! LET’S DO THIS THING. Crank up the Sufjan Stevens! We have U.S. senate and gubernatorial primaries to make little jokes about, folks. MORE »

Primary elections for both Democrats and Republicans tonight are said to be “crowded,” just like a hott nightclub, with lots of candidates to make us all sweaty. And luckily, your Wonkette will liveblog the whole affair so you can get all the Congressman Pete Hoekstra you can handle! Not to mention all the hott (Michigan Attorney General Mike) Cox! Both of those fellas are running to succeed term-limited Jennifer Granholm (seen at right with lightsaber) in America’s Worst Job, governor of Michigan. That should be an excellent race, and also gubernatorial and Senate contests are happening in Kansas and Missouri. MORE »

There are so few heroes for the young people to look up to these days, what with Lindsay Lohan serving time and more and more Republicans opting for sex scandals involving consensual, heterosexual intercourse and so forth. So who should your children admire? They should admire Major General Jerry R. Curry, the army-man who knows that Barack Obama is black, but note quite black enough. The army-man who is fed up with Barack Obama’s race-baiting, his muslim faith and his non-existent support for the troops. The army-man whose name was selected from a hat to pen this week’s “Real America Will Never Ever Trust Barry Hussein” column for Human Events. MORE »

FBI SOLVES ALL CRIMES, WILL NOW DEDICATE ITSELF TO HASSLING DORKS ON WEBSITES: Have you ever visited Wikipedia’s article about the FBI, seen the FBI logo, and worried that a little man inside your computer is flashing a badge at you, and is about to send you to jail? Well, the Bureau has your back, as it is attempting to get the online nerd party to remove the image from the site, based on a law that prevents people from misrepresenting themselves as being affiliated with the FBI. Look for the harassment to continue until someone points out that “Wikipedia” and “Wikileaks” are not the same thing. [NYT]