Wonkette

Wonkette operative “Randy C.” sends this tragic photograph from the Fremont Solstice Parade in Seattle yesterday. What’s a lonesome teabagger to do when the hippies are all riding their bicycles around and worshiping the Sun like common Soviet-pagan homosexuals? Warn them of the impending Soviet States of America, that’s what! And, uhh, wear a construction helmet and a safety vest. Hippies hardly watch where they’re going on those anti-carbon bicycles! (They are just thinking about the marijuana they’ll soon be smoking to build up an appetite for the vegan sperm cookies.)

Wonkette contributing editor Lauri Apple started blogging for us two months ago, but her art has been seen here since before Barry Hussein Nobama even became the socialist president. What is going on? We will find out. MORE »

Oh yeah, good idea, people totally won’t get all pissed off and populisty about you going to watch your yacht compete in a yacht race, Tony Hayward. That will definitely ingratiate you with the small people of the Gulf Coast. It’s just like their favorite sport, NASCAR. NASCAR has its roots in bootleggers modifying their cars because they needed to outrun the cops. Yacht racing has its roots in rich people modifying their ridiculous boats because they have too much free time and needed a new thing to show they’re better than other rich people. MORE »

Here’s a charming video showing all the times Tony Hayward said “I don’t recall” or “Not my fault” or “Sorry, can’t hear you!” during his testimony before Joe Barton’s Oil Industry Fan Club on Thursday. Seems like just yesterday when people would put up all kinds of “mashups” or whatever, about Current Events, but only Bloomberg News has a video now, so apologies for the drawn-out introduction. MORE »

• In between his hours tending his Zen garden and Tai Chi regiments, Daoist monk and rightful heir to the throne of Carolina The South Alvin Greene questions the nature of wealth — specifically, why hasn’t he been paid for his interviews?
• Congressional hearings were held this week, providing ample time for congressional grandstanding. Will no one stand up for BP’s eternal soul?
• Wait, a savior has appeared! Joe “Oily Christ” Barton bravely stood up for BP by flipping over the money-changing tables of his congressional congressional colleagues. He was then pulled aside by John “Pontius Pilate” Boehner, who literally crucified him.
• English person and BP CEO Tony Hayward, Lord of Hertfordshire, Duke of York, and Queen of the Gulf Coast, returned to Wonkette for another fireside chat. He has since been beheaded in a reign of terror.
• In the midst of the gulf oil spill, sensual oils are once again flowing between Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston.
• Due to Obama’s first-amendment-destroying affirmative-action laws, your Wonkette was FORCED to add a brand new female columnist to our staff.
• Sharron Angle is remarkably tight lipped about her murder of Harry Reid.
• Ayn Rand’s adventures continue in Wonkette’s ongoing tentacle porn webcomic.
• Larry King lives on and on and on and on and will never be replaced, even in death.
• Wonkette’s annual father’s day gift guide is full of perfect gift ideas for your estranged and not-on-speaking-terms father figures.
• Science proves that we’ll all soon transform into a droopy-skinned featherless turkey named Helen Thomas.

New Senate Majority Leader Sharron Angle is … crazy? Yes. She’s been hiding from reporters since her primary win against Chicken Lady, and only appears to tell her Teabagger supporters to ready their “Second Amendment remedies” to, you know, murder the elected government leaders in America. MORE »

D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty was already having enough trouble in his re-election campaign against Council Chairman Vincent Gray before mysterious flyers and ads in the Washington City Paper started appearing depicting Fenty in a diaper on a rocking horse and bearing the title “SLAP THIS BRAT.” The diaper fetishist constituency is sick of your BROKEN PROMISES, Adrian Fenty, and wants you IN A DIAPER, BEING SLAPPED, SO WE CAN ALL JERK OFF TO IT, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Normally this feature only brings you terrifying visions of nightmare horror, like rivers of blood and naked Dick Cheney and such. Editorial cartoons are full of these things, because editorial cartoonists think that they’re “edgy,” and much darker and realer than the people who draw, like, Blondie, man. But with so much genuine pain and suffering in the world, we thought maybe we’d take a different tack this week, showing you the lighter side of editorial cartooning, full of love and happiness and adorable critters! Get ready for hugging, after the jump. MORE »

Alvin Greene won yet another landslide victory last night when the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party denied his opponent’s protest and confirmed Greene as their candidate to take on Jim DeMint in November’s U.S. Senate election. Greene didn’t show up to argue his case, remaining cloistered as ever in his father’s house. Nor did anyone else come to argue for Greene. But it didn’t matter; it has already been established that Greene is a Daoist ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE who wins landslide victories without putting in any effort. In fact, the more effort put into resisting his election, the stronger a candidate he becomes. As of 3 p.m., Alvin Greene was dreaming he was a butterfly and/or a butterfly was dreaming it was Alvin Greene. [Politics Daily]

Hello there. I’m noted political pundit, expert and guru Sara Benincasa, and I’m pleased as Kenyan-Hawaiian punch to debut my weekly Wonkette column, “Barry Can You Hear Me?” This is a column in which I write down my thoughts about our president, each week, for you. You’re welcome!

Hoo boy, what a week, am I right? I say “boy” to no one in particular, and certainly not to our president, who is not a boy, but a strapping, tall, well-muscled man! Historically, white women who call black men “boys” are also inclined to demand that near-strangers bust up their chiffarobes, and I do not own one of these. MORE »

The entire state of Utah is absolutely giddy today as early this morning it got to kill a death row guy by firing squad. Ronnie Lee Gardner was officially declared dead at 12:17 a.m., after what observers claim was an awesome midnight laser light show with everyone’s favorite Jock Jams songs and the funny part where they pretended to be shooting Gardner but then turned their guns at the last second and shot a huge container of green Nickelodeon slime above Gardner’s head. Then after they actually shot him, the warden breathed a sigh of THAT WAS TOTALLY BAD ASS, and the real party begun. MORE »

Famous congressional punching bag Tony Hayward will have a “different role” at BP, according to British Petroleum’s teevee channel, “SkyNews.” We read this on the Twitter, which is where all important news is now posted, so we won’t notice it. BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, last in the news for incorrectly referring to America’s fat people as “small people,” told the UK news channel that Hayward’s idiotic comments have apparently “had detrimental effects as the company seeks to control the fallout from the disaster.” MORE »

Having called for armed revolution against America’s democratically elected government, duck-faced sociopath Michele Bachmann truly exemplifies mature political discourse. This is why her alleged husband just put his name on a Bachmann 4 Congress fund-raising email, because the staffer who wrote this email cannot believe the local communists have gone so far as to put up some anti-Bachmann signs around Minneapolis, where they live. What do these signs say? Nobody knows for sure, because of the Bachmann’s campaign sudden, shocking ability to self-edit, but it’s a four-letter word that starts with “F.” We are going to check the dictionary! MORE »

Being a cop is a tough job, and it ought to come with a little bit of “leeway” in regards to certain laws that apply to ordinary folk. For instance, police officers are highly trained at operating their vehicles, so they shouldn’t get tickets if they drive over the speed limit and run lights or whatever. And their work is very high-pressure, so they ought to be allowed to send dozens of erotic text messages to their mistresses on their departmentally owned electronic thingies, safe in the knowledge that the police chief won’t be pulling up all these digital love notes for an afternoon of languorous masturbation. Why do the actual Luddites who sit on the Supreme Court hate our 9/11 police heroes? MORE »