Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Not News Sports Business Geek Showbiz Politics Music Video All

Mon March 29, 2010

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(GovExec)		Richard Nixon-speechwritin', "Bueller? Bueller?"-repeatin', creationist movie-narratin', conservative editorializin' Ben Stein stands up for... federal bureaucrats? (blogs.govexec.com)	(15)
		Workers injured after a three-story building being converted to a four-story building suddenly became a one-story building (abclocal.go.com)	(35)
		Superman returns, beats the goddamn Batman (washingtonpost.com)	(83)
		Obama administration asks Israel not to build any more settlements in Jerusalem. Which is as likely to happen as Obama is to invite Sarah Palin to the White House to shoot baskets and watch "American Idol" (nytimes.com)	(303)
		Paul McCartney ex Heather Mills accused of leaning on her nanny (news.bbc.co.uk)	(43)
		Ah, spring, when a young man's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of LOCUST SWARMS AAAGGGHHHHH (online.wsj.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		Should I not have said that the soap was made from Holocaust victims? Was that wrong? (ottawacitizen.com)	(200)
		Welcome to Tweddle Children's Animal Farm. We will be open until 7pm tonight. Please pet ONLY the animals that are moving, not the dead ones decaying next to them. Make sure to enjoy the E coli 0157 exhibit to the left (timesonline.co.uk)	(43)
		That whole democracy thing? Let's put in on hold for a while. You know, for the environment (guardian.co.uk)	(329)
		Today's "you're doing it wrong" story comes to us from Cleveland where a man tried to elude police by breaking into jail (foxnews.com)	(21)
		Woman says she was raped at an ATM. We're all tired of all those fees (tampabay.com)	(96)
(KTLA)		When you have a consumable product, it's a good business move to give out free samples. Unless your product is heroin (ktla.com)	(49)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this stiff step (bigpicture.ru)	(20)
		Comedian who quieted rowdy lesbian hecklers is now on trial before province human rights commission for violating Canada's law against being a big fat meanie (cnews.canoe.ca)	(275)
(Daily Caller)		RNC Chair Michael Steele spent $2,000 at Voyeur West Hollywood, "a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex," which is outrageous, since that money could easily have bought genuine lesbian sex (dailycaller.com)	(416)
(Bonedaddy King)		Human corpse in pub's freezer likely a health code violation (todayinstupid.com)	(74)
		The next time you tell somebody to get off your lawn, remember that they could return, steal your dog, and throw it off a bridge (hosted2.ap.org)	(165)
(Drew)		Duke sucks, a new iPhone app for Fark, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/21 - 3/27 (fark.com)	(99)
(The Indy Channel)		Scary: cancer patient tries to call for help during a medical emergency but dials the wrong number. Hero: the student on the other end of the line finds a way to help save his life (theindychannel.com)	(112)
		What kind of a creep steals $34 from a kid volunteer collecting donations? This kind (wtsp.com)	(102)
		Politicians unveil iPhone apps that allow their constituents to take a picture and then email it directly to the politician. Early projections anticipate this will allow the public to provide real-time feedback on potholes, penises (abcnews.go.com)	(51)
		Foiled "Christian Militia" attack plan called for assault on police officer and then again on his funeral procession (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(530)
(Some Guy)		The good news about the new airline bagage fees is that they were able to decrease lost bag numbers by 23.8%. The bad news, that still equates to about losing 3000 bags/hr (gadling.com)	(87)
		Shoemaker Doc Martens celebrates its 50th birthday, and if that name conjures up images of heavy black boots and your favorite Wilson's leather motocycle jacket, it's almost time to start chasing kids off your lawn (news.yahoo.com)	(240)
		Want to be a billionaire? Simple--just design the first social game that can be played equally on Facebook, television, or any handheld device. OK, go (usatoday.com)	(84)
		School for the blind gears up for fencing match. What could possibly go wrong? (wtsp.com)	(85)
		Many Canadians are obese, but doctors recommend against having stomach surgery for it if your BMI is 28, you're 72-years-old, or you're doing it in Tijuana (edmontonjournal.com)	(87)
		Senior citizens busted for Jell-O tampering. Let's see how they wiggle out of this one (foxnews.com)	(42)
		Forget Jim Morrison. This ping pong table door is the greatest door ever (gizmodo.com)	(60)
		New revelations about the Vatican's role in covering up hundreds of cases of abuse by priests is really putting a kink in the whole "make Pope John Paul II a saint" thing (abcnews.go.com)	(258)
		German university approves plan to train twenty of its students as Gladiators (thelocal.de)	(77)
(Some Crushinator)		Man gets blowjob from farmer's daughter; handjob from farmer (kens5.com)	(156)
(Some Incipient Shredded Wheat)		Photoshop these beds of wheat (shorpy.com)	(41)
		The Japanese are now using ring tones for weight loss and hay fever therapy. And they say no one makes house calls anymore (news.bbc.co.uk)	(21)
		Screenwriter writes apology for "Battlefield Earth" but admits he's strangely proud of it: "Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest" (huffingtonpost.com)	(363)
		14 year old's mother is too drunk to drive so naturally he a) takes her keys b) calls the cops or c) stabs her? (cbc.ca)	(52)
		Billboard which shows Joseph and Mary in bed deemed 'not offensive' (3news.co.nz)	(112)
		More than 120 miners trapped underground in China. This is not a repeat from 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, etc (telegraph.co.uk)	(49)
		Suicide bombers on Moscow rush-hour subway kill at least 35, more than 30 wounded (abcnews.go.com)	(341)
		Some of the most analytical and logical people on the planet are Germans. The majority of Germans no longer believe in "global warming". When asked for comment, Al Gore responded with "Scheisse" (thelocal.de)	(624)
(Some Guys)		Photoshop this shark snack (animalpicture.ru)	(36)

Sun March 28, 2010

	Time to panic, crazies. They're coming for your guns after all (abcnews.go.com)	(648)
	Good show old chap. This mugshot roundup is brought to you by the British Empire in the year of our Lord 1904 (dailymail.co.uk)	(250)
	75 years after its inception, Monopoly remains as fun as ever. Especially when it is played on a larger than life Monopoly board by people wearing hats symbolizing each play piece. I GET TO BE THE CAR (mercurynews.com)	(164)
	Group told "porn leads to sex parties and prostitution and 'hijacks our brain' to make users never satisfied, always seeking more deviant images." He says that like it's a bad thing (sltrib.com)	(243)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this 1940's beer drinker (i.imgur.com)	(68)
	Aide to the Pope on ever-widening sex abuse scandal: "We should not be too scandalised if some bishops knew about it but kept it secret. This is what happens in every family, you don't wash your dirty laundry in public." (guardian.co.uk)	(481)
	25-year age difference? Can it work? (yourtango.com)	(451)
	Los Angeles County Sheriff's plan to use home monitoring for non-violent offenders to reduce jail population has hit a small snag. There aren't that many non-violent offenders in jail (latimes.com)	(61)
	Protip: Never head butt a giraffe (azcentral.com)	(47)
	FARC to free kidnapped Colombian soldier. Speaking of guerilla leaders, just when is Drew getting his own Che Guevera style t-shirt for all the hipsters to wear? (upi.com)	(53)
	Woman arrested for giving drugs to, and having sex with three of the farking luckiest little bastards to walk the Earth (heraldtribune.com)	(143)
	Sad: Thieves stole nearly $11,000 from the VFW in a burglary last Sunday night. More sad: It had been collected to buy gift packages for overseas troops. Awesome: a one-day fundraiser on Friday resulted in nearly $13,000 in donations (ajc.com)	(49)
	Step One: Steal underwear, candles, and shower hooks. Step 2: ???? Step 3: Profit (evidently this profit is made by confusing people to the point where they offer you money to make sense) (blog.al.com)	(12)
	Amazon's "Track Your Package" feature is great. But when your package goes off the grid and customer service says it was "eaten by an alligator," you may have a problem (consumerist.com)	(75)
(Some Guy)	The most awesome yet creepy miniature golf course ever just happens to be in the basement of a funeral home (w/pics) (unnecessaryumlaut.com)	(67)
	NYC environmental officials plan to release captured Manhattan coyote somewhere else in the five boroughs - so if you see a suspiciously hairy new Bronx councilman you'll know why (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com)	(36)
	How can one person visit Norway, Moscow, Madrid, Stockholm, Paris, Denmark, Naples, Sweden, Poland, Mexico, Peru, China, and Athens all in one day by car? Hint: You can get there from here (sunjournal.com)	(53)
(Cape Cod Chronicle)	State's proposed modern replacement for historic wooden bridge has "context-sensitive" features like brown tinted concrete (capecodchronicle.com)	(47)
(details.com)	How to stay sucessfully married to a porn star: Rule 1 - Never ask her how how her day was at work (details.com)	(213)
(Springfield Republican)	Not wanting to sentence crack dealer to decade in prison under mandatory sentencing law, judge decides to wait for Congress to pass better law (masslive.com)	(81)
	Middle school student criminally charged after bringing pocket knife to school. "In this day and age we have to take these reports seriously" (boston.com)	(76)
	Shroud of Turin to be taken out of P.T. Barnum's joke closet for first time in decade, bamboozling 2 million Vatican City visitors all over again with its ridiculous origin story (telegraph.co.uk)	(304)
	Money talks, blue laws walk? (google.com)	(83)
	Photoshop this yellow card complaint (cache.boston.com)	(30)
	British teacher who called and texted disturbed, lying, and delusional male student 600 times did not have sexual affair with him, jury concludes (telegraph.co.uk)	(24)
	Rommel, you magnificent bastard - I drank your tea (telegraph.co.uk)	(133)
(WLBZ2.com)	The deadline is approaching for nominations for the state's list of 1,000 Great Places in Massachusetts. Last years winner? Foxwoods (wlbz2.com)	(59)
	"We just pulled the rug out from under human space flight," (msnbc.msn.com)	(298)
	If you get a note from your doctor saying you can't ride the bus, Massachusetts will pay $41 of the $43 cost of a private, direct, door to door ride (boston.com)	(52)
	11-year-old girl arrested for battery after throwing toy gun at her dad's head. Osama bin Laden oddly still on the loose (nwfdailynews.com)	(62)
	Police chief says million dollar per year speed trap prevented "three to four fatals per year" in town with population 211. He's lying, of course (thenewspaper.com)	(63)
	Man arrested for fight in Chik-fil-A drive-thru. After police questioning, a spokesman for the restaurant responded, "don't have a cow" (ajc.com)	(34)
(Las Cruces Sun-News)	18-year old defecates in car thinking it belonged to his girlfriend and... yeah, you already figured out where it goes from here (lcsun-news.com)	(76)
	Thought you had it rough walking uphill both ways to school? These kids get stung by scorpions and use goat dung instead of a chalkboard (news.bbc.co.uk)	(24)
	Old and busted: Lasik. New hotness: LSD-laced pickles. Wait, what? (metro.co.uk)	(51)
	Lawmakers vote to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich an official portrait, finally laying to rest any claims that he was being framed (upi.com)	(56)
(Some Gay)	Georgia high school students protest over a classmate's right to take his boyfriend to the prom. They're against it. Y'all are doing it wrong, y'hear? (slog.thestranger.com)	(449)
	Well that was the worst fire drill ever (telegraph.co.uk)	(46)
(Yandex)	Photoshop these creepy twins (img-fotki.yandex.ru)	(37)
(Providence Journal)	Would you pull out of a threesome with a 22-year old woman to respond to a call? If not, Cranston, Rhode Island does not want you on its police force (projo.com)	(74)
	Grocery store customer gives kidney to cashier. Why don't people use a debit card like everyone else (health.foxnews.mobi)	(55)
	News: Two men, confused about the difference between real life and GTA IV, engage in a two-mile shootout while driving down the road. Fark: One of them manages to shoot the other one in, of all places, the foot (blog.al.com)	(36)