rivervision

yes, i heard about the situation in haiti on tuesday afternoon.. i think i heard about it through twitter. like many, when i heard, i was horrified about the situation. it was being posted all over twitter and i was glad to see that people cared.

but it didn’t take too long for me to get angry about the reaction. why anger? i know, crazy reaction – anger when people care. i’m angry at the the haiti stuff, not because people are caring and not because people in haiti don’t need the help, but because – here’s the thing – these horrors in haiti, are happening all over the world, every day. i think about the siege on gaza and how the 1.5 million people there are struggling to simply live while israel enforces it and the US, egypt and the rest of the world just let it happen. and then darfur and sudan and how the genocide has been going on there for longer than any genocide should (a genocide shouldn’t ever go on, fwiw, but the world has known for a long time now and it is still happening). and colombia, east timor, afghanistan, ethiopia, pakistan, and haiti before the quake.. and i know the list could go on and on and on. and the same people i see twittering for haiti, most of those same people i have never ever seen comment about another country who’s people are living the same daily horrors that the people of haiti are living. yes, there are babies, children, young people and old people living out under the stars, not knowing where their next meal is coming from all over the world.. only the difference in non-natural disasters is that those people don’t know if help is ever going to come, if the world does care.

and it makes me angry – so suddenly there is a natural disaster and people care about different parts of the world? i actually posted yesterday “if americans cared half as much about gaza as they do about haiti then gaza would be free.” and what about the rest of the world where americans could use their power to stop daily horrors around the world, not just gaza or the west bank? it would be huge, and powerful, and truly a miracle. but with some situations – afghanistan, the west bank & gaza for instance – america would have to apologize because we either a) caused it and/ or b) support it with our tax dollars. and americans are not a group of people to apologize. and in other places americans would have to move from crisis – which we are so good at – to caring long enough to force the hand of the american government to demand that these genocides stop. yes, for places like the sudan & darfur, americans would have to force the government’s hand to do something, which will take all these people caring right now for haiti to care this much for a long period of time. but we didn’t cause the situation in sudan? we didn’t cause the situation in bosnia either and we sent military there, and iraq – cripes we started 2 wars in iraq and the same with afghanistan. when this country of mine wants something to happen it will go as far as to break international law to make it so.

but we’re not good at this. and as a group we won’t do this, because the advantage of crisis is that we can care for a few minutes and then go back to our lives. the advantage of crisis is that we can appear to be the good person to those in our networks and then go back to our lives without really doing anything to make a difference.

in a week america is going to not care as much, and we are going to go back to our normal situation as always, until the next natural disaster. and then we’ll care again for a week or so. and the cycle will continue until people in this country really wake up. maybe what is happening in sudan, gaza, colombia will have to happen here, to the white middle and upper class for people here to care for more than a week. that is incredibly sad that that is the case, but it probably is going to be. and after haiti is rebuilt there will still be people living under stars, not knowing where their next meal or drink of water is coming from, terrified about what may happen to them next and most americans will be happily in their little world convinced that what they did for haiti was heroic and now they don’t get to care anymore.

The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”
Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” -1 Samuel 3:10 (NIV)

Update 13 jan. he died this afternoon, peacefully. i won’t be going to the funeral, i’ll just stay here. me not going to his funeral is not a reflection on how much i love him.
UPDATE: 7 jan. according to my family back east my grandfather ‘pulled a lazarus‘.. we were all sure he was going, but a day off all medication to try to fix things let his body fix it and he was up and walking around 36 hours after i went to say good-bye. i sensed there was still a bit of his bullheaded self when i went to visit still there, i just didn’t guess there was much as there was. according to my brother he is drinking milk shakes and cokes, recognizing my mother and sleeping a lot. no one knows how long he is for this world and if i get a call that he’s died tomorrow i won’t be surprised. although i’ll be sad for us, i won’t be sad for him. he’s lived a long life, he was well loved, and yet he had his struggles. it sounds, though, that he’s at peace now and i couldn’t wish for anything more for this time of his life. i couldn’t wish for anything more during this time in anyone’s life.

90 and some odd-months ago these two people:

had a son. before that they had 2 daughters, and after that they had 2 daughters, but smack dab in the middle they had a son, and they named him austin.

eventually, under the constant attention and protection of his four sisters, austin grew up, and married louise.

and soon dianne came along.

and after eons (in human years, mind you), dianne had 2 kids, one of whom was me.

on tuesday i made the most difficult visit to a nursing home i’ve ever made in my life. okay, lets face it, on tuesday i made one of the most difficult visits with someone i’ve ever made in my life, nursing home or not. on tuesday, 29 december 2009, as many were preparing to ring in a new year, my grandfather was (and as i write this still is) living his final days on this earth, and i went to visit him to say good-bye.

i didn’t stay long. and, to be honest, i didn’t have the courage i saw my father have – my dad walked right up to gepa’s face, held his hand, touched his forehead, looked into his eyes and hummed “amazing grace” to the man who became his second father. and for about 30 seconds gepa came back to this side of the veil. i could only get as far as his legs, to sit on his bed and put my hands on his legs and say the lords prayer to him and when i said it, for just a few seconds he came back again to this side but then quickly left again.

the body that lay in the bed was hard for me to look at and the excuse i have for not staying long is that i didn’t want to remember him that way and because i needed to get back to my life i was able to cut my stay with him short. the body that lay in the bed only held a smidge of the soul that was my grandfather and it simply hurt too much to know that most of his bullheaded self had already left us. the images i wanted burned in my mind were not of that, but instead of this:

or like this:

or even like this – on my visit to him just 7 weeks prior:

i wanted, instead, to be able to keep strong memories of a grandfather who loved me more than i could ever imagine. he was the one who took us to putt-putt golf, to the water slides, to the naval beaches at virginia beach more times than i can remember. he was the one who made me waffles every morning and because i loved him so much i didn’t care that my waffles were always burned a little bit. he was the one who called my mother ‘dick’, my brother ‘bunk sweeney’ and me ’sally goodpuddin’.. he had a nickname for everyone, and i think i got that from him because i affectionately started calling him ‘geezer man’ in these last years of his life. i’m sure he knew it was a name of affection as i knew that when i heard ’sally!’ being called after me that it was simply a verbal hug.

when i talk about where i come from i always mention being from the south [note, when i refer to the south - i mean the south east US - virginia, tennessee, georgia, n & s carolina, alabama, mississippi, etc..]. no, i don’t consider myself a true southerner though. i don’t consider myself a true southerner because my father and his kin are from the northeast — rhode island, new jersey, new york – having immigrated from quebec and england in recent US and distant US history. and i was raised in a small college town, among academics — which insulated me from developing a southern accent and fully being immersed in the southern culture. my mother, even without a southern accent (she was an army brat and grew up all over the country), is a southerner. and when i talk about coming from the south it is because of my grandfather and his kin (along with my grandmother and her kin) that i get to use that honorable label. yes, at meals there was always okra (my mom loves the stuff), and invariably black-eyed peas, cornbread, and other southern delicacies. it was because of my grandfather and his kin (along with my grandmother and her kin) that i can speak a bit of southern. another reason i will always love him, and be grateful that *he* is my grandfather.

it was a selfish reason. i think he needed me to stay, as the one christian in the immediate family i should have stayed and read scriptures to him to remind him that this isn’t the end, but i didn’t. i’m not going to beat myself up for not staying. i did what i needed to do for me, i guess i’m writing this to put an apology into the winds to my grandfather for him to maybe get as he continues his transition. i’m certain he’ll understand.

no, really.  here’s a picture of me at the moment.

if you can’t tell, i’m on a plane. i’m on a plane flying from atlanta to salt lake city. i went back east. to blacksburg, va to see my papa:

that’s him at dinner at the palisades resturant in eggleston, va.

i also got to see my aunt, uncle, and their two sons. amazing people that my aunt has raised, good men. i was thrilled to be able to get to know them as adults, and connect with cousin a. about a similar situation in our lives. and also my uncle c -> he’s a good listener and one day spent an hour just listening to some of the stuff i’ve been going through with my chronic illness. and auntie s. my dissertation editor! or she’s teaching me how to be a dissertation editor. it was just nice to be in her presence and see how much she is her mother, my dear grandmother. really, it’s always a pleasant experience to discover that you actually like the people you call relatives, family, etc.

yesterday – that would be tuesday – dad and i drove to chapel hill for a few hours to see my brother and his people. my adorable nephew b – who got an ipod touch! for christmas. that’s what we, in my field, call a digital native. along with miss bubble butt my adorable little niece m.l. who i wish i lived closer to because she’s so freakin cuddle-able. and happy too.

and then back to blacksburg for a visit with someone who didn’t really know my dad and i were there. more on that later, more on that tomorrow. i don’t want to talk about that hard thing right now.

sorry i’m not posting much these days. it’s not that there isn’t a lot going on in my head, it’s that there is so much intense lot going on in my head and it’s really not good fodder for blogging. my blessed doc hears about the intense stuff going on in my head and it should stay with her. yep yep yep.

okay. tired. i should think about napping.

Oh, Come, Oh, Come Emmanuel
Translated: John Neal, 1818-66

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, oh, come, our Lord of might,
Who to your tribes on Sinai’s height
In ancient times gave holy law,
In cloud and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come O Rod of Jesse’s stem,
From ev’ry foe deliver them
That trust your mighty pow’r to save;
Bring them in vict’ry through the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, O Key of David, come,
And open wide our heav’nly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

added: it came back up by midnight, mst.

Added: twitter hacked, defaced by ‘iranian cyber army‘ at tech crunch.

and the world is coming to an end. really. of all the social media thingys, twitter is the one that has caught my attention. i did f@ceb00k for awhile, but.. i just didn’t like the cliqueness of the place. it felt.. well, too much like high school. it became this way even more for me when a bunch of people from high school friended me and didn’t talk to me.. it felt like high school all over.. same people knowing me but not really interacting with me. but twitter, well – i can follow who i want too and have conversations, or not. it just fits my personality better.

*and* yes, i have found community. thanks to @breyeschow. he’s a social media nerd, pcusa pastor, and moderator of the current general assembly of the pcusa (i’m not sure how much power that title comes with, but it is an impressive one). he put together lists of pcusa presbys who twitter and we started to follow each other, and then from there i found @jaybakker (son of jim and tammy faye), shane claiborne, etc.. basically a bunch of emergent and outlaw type christians, along with some mainstream pcusa presbys (i delineate pcusa from other denominations of presbyterian in the u.s. because the others seem significantly more conservative). and then there is a whole palestine crowd as well that i follow, and while i feel less of a sense of community with them, i still enjoy their presence in my life and am glad i can stay up to date on the news there along with hearing commentaries from people actually over in and around that important piece of land.

isn’t that interesting? the 2 main groups i follow – christians and palestinians. there’s a draw to that land, yes there is, and the importance of that land in the lives of these faithful christians that i follow on twitter just can’t be captured. and as christians who believe to the core in justice and overcoming systems of oppression what is occurring in that land must stop.

so yeah, twitter is down, the world is coming to an end, and i guess it’s probably good so i go to sleep at a decent hour.

i’m bummed i just now discovered michelle shocked.. but i’m so glad i did. i keep listening to this over and over.. i love it. you have to watch it though.. because just listening, well. i’d have thought it was a break up song. it’s not.

i’ve been thinking a lot about palestine again. my thoughts back to that land hem and haw depending on the week or the moment. when i went back east i threw a book into my backpack to read “we belong to the land: the story of a palestinian israeli who lives for peace and reconciliation” by abuna elias chacour. i honestly didn’t think i’d pick it up because i’m not known for reading a lot of books these days, but i did and found myself surprised when i was drawn into it to the point that i was carrying it with me where ever i went on the trip. one afternoon actually found me on the beach, alone, reading for a couple of hours while others napped. i’ve not done that in a long long time – just read for such pleasure.

i feel guilty that i’ve not gone back, that i’ve not found the time or the money. i feel like a failure because i did propose a project to someone which fell flat. i have secret hopes that through the class i’m taking from clint that i’ll be able to find some connection that will take me back to palestine – not for pleasure, but for partnership. i worry that i’ll never ever get back to there to discover what work there is for me to do.

tonight i was looking for a new quote for my email signature. the one i have is from suheir hammad, from her poem “on the brink of.. for rachel corrie”: “on the brink of war may we remember how divine human beings can be.” it’s a great quote, but we aren’t on the brink of war. i am trying to find quotes that talk about the land, the importance of the the land to those who were forced off. i found this from her poem jerusalem sunday:

this city is wind
breathe it
sharp
this history is blood
swallow it
warm
this sunday is holy
be it
god

but read in an email signature, by people who don’t necessarily know me, how will it come across? plus in academia there’s the whole “DON’T MENTION GOD!” thing.

then there’s this, from her poem “this is to certify that my mother is now natural”

mama you natural woman
of sun water air
given a nation though no land

or from the same poem:

you who makes rhinestones
sparkle diamonds sequin your daughters? ears with your laugh
memorized (but didn’t have) dead presidents backwards
and forwards for citizenship a place to lay your head
but always told us
take me home when i’m dead

especially that last line.. “take me home when i’m dead” just cries out to me the love of that land! but taken out of context, in an email signature?

then there’s the words of abuna elias chacour.. a palestinian israeli melkite priest who says

“To me Christ is not an idea, a philosophy, a theology or a system of thinking. Christ is not even a church. Jesus Christ is a living person, the living, loving God. He is my Compatriot from Galilee.”

but that doesn’t work. i could go on and on – i just can’t find what i’m wanting to say about palestine in the few resources i have at hand. honestly, though, i don’t think it would be possible to capture what someone like suheir hammad or abuna elias chacour feel about that land in one sentence. now that i’m writing this, i think it would do the land and it’s people a great disservice. one sentence is not long enough to capture a heart’s worth of feelings about something that important. i guess what i can do is to continue to learn about the land and never let go of my want to go back to do what i can to serve the palestinian people. considering i am an american it’s the least i can hope to do.

i just took a moment and surfed over to my quotes page.. i found this by suheir hammad from her rachel corrie poem:
“I have been loved, I have loved and I know that those who de-humanize their enemy are only doing so to themselves. Peace work is justice work is God’s work.”

maybe it’ll do for now for that signature problem. we’ll see.

here’s the video i found about the class that my friend clint is teaching, that i’m taking, in the spring. i think it’ll be one of the highlights of my academic career.

huh? i sent to my chair draft 1 of my dissertation proposal. note, it hasn’t frozen over, just frost. the great freeze will occur if i end up getting an approved finished dissertation.