Moondoggie:
“Hi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this thing that you bought me to sit on seems to be eating me.”
And Riley:
“Hey! You’re not the only one getting eated around here…!”
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Moondoggie:
“Hi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this thing that you bought me to sit on seems to be eating me.”
And Riley:
“Hey! You’re not the only one getting eated around here…!”
Amidst all the justifiable praise for the pilot of US Airways flight 1549, Emptywheel at Firedoglake points to a largely overlooked factor in the passenger and crews’ survival:
[Sullenberger]–and his union–have fought to ensure pilots get the kind of safety training to pull off what he did yesterday.
Then there are the flight attendants…members of the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA. Yesterday’s accident should remind all of us that flight attendants are first and foremost safety professionals–they should not be treated like cocktail waitresses.
There are the ferry crews…They’re represented by the Seafarers International Union. They provide safety training to their members so they’re prepared for events like yesterday’s accident.
There are the cops and firemen…They’re represented by the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association and the Uniformed Firefighters Association and Uniformed Fire Officers Association (IAFF locals). They’re the men and women who performed so heroically on 9/11–and they’ve been fighting to make sure first responders get the equipment to do this kind of thing.
This is a legitimate point, but it unfairly disparages business, which has a long record of voluntarily spending manhours and money on safety training, even without union coercion. I remember my great-grandmother telling tales of when she worked for the Triangle Shirtwaist Company, and scoffing at the “nanny-like” managers who continually pulled seamstresses away from their machines for safety meetings, tips and drills teaching them what to do if the place caught on fire and they were all locked inside, such as tucking your skirts between your legs before you jump from the 9th floor so onlookers don’t get a glimpse of your bloomers before you hit the pavement. But as Amanda Carpenter at Townhall remarks, what’s the good of safety training after you’ve already had an accident, since by the very nature of the situation, you are no longer safe!
That time would have been much better spent in 401k meetings teaching them how to properly invest their retirement funds, or life insurance payouts, in the stock market.
BREAKING
President Bush interrupted his prepared farewell address Thursday night to warn the nation of a threat from “terrorists who hate us for our freedom to suck them into aircraft engines.” Noting the forced landing of a US Airways flight, which occurred this afternoon after a collision with what a Department of Justice spokesperson called, “suicidehomicide geese,” the President praised the pilot and crew of the airliner, and expressed thanks that all persons aboard survived the crash. “At the same time,” Mr. Bush continued, “we must regard today’s tragedy as an act of war. Intelligence sources indicate that the cowardly attackers who brought down Flight 1549 had recently crossed into the United States from Canada.”
Shortly after the crash, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise appearance on Fox News, where he claimed that the downing of the airliner should be regarded as a wake-up call by “both the incoming Administration and the civilized world at large.” Mr. Cheney noted that geese “can easily fly distances of up to 2500 miles, almost twice the range of an Iranian Shahab-2 intermediate range missile,” and, “they’re extremely hard to shoot down when you’re drunk.”
“Ironically,” the Vice President added, “because the terrorists took down an Airbus, I suspect our European allies will be a lot less eager to criticize us this time. In fact, the Obama Administration would probably be well advised to seek assistance from the EU when interrogating suspects, because who has more experience torturing geese than the French?”
ABC NEWS–Press Secretary Dana Perino announced on Wednesday that George W. Bush has scheduled the final defecation of his presidency in the private Oval Office washroom, known as “the Coolidge Crapper,” for Monday, January 19, at 10:35 AM (EST). The president has requested ten minutes of live network and cable news coverage; 15 minutes if the Fi-Bar isn’t working.
Originally known as the “Taft Thunderbucket” when it was first installed in the East Wing in 1910, the toilet and separate elevated reservoir tank were handcarved from a single, 2000-pound block of Proconnesus marble from the island of Marmara, located in what was then the Ottoman Empire. In 1923 the commode was ordered moved to a water closet adjoining the Oval Office by President Calvin Coolidge, who found it awkward making small talk at the urinals in the West Wing mens room.
Presidential scholar John Harlington said that despite some early successes, Bush’s performance in the bathroom has been mixed since 9/11, when he repeatedly lost control of his bowels during his efforts to “get out of harm’s way.” And while top Administration officials have generally praised the president for his “steadfastness and regularity,” Bush leaves office with only a 17% approval rating from the White House cleaning staff. Two maids, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, declared “his aim is lousy,” while another added, “You’d think he was trying to write his name on the wall, or shoot down a fly.”
The presidential evacuation will be carried live on ABC, with special team coverage and post-dump analysis on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program.
Oh noes! Karl Rove has unlocked the secrets of Twitter! He’s twittering as we speak!
Obama can kiss that Youth Vote good-bye.
Update:
Once again, quoting Bill Corbett: “That’s what the President use to tell me—’History will get it right and we’ll both be dead!’” (< --repeated 3X in 1 hr.)
Yes, repetition and message discipline: The secret to scintillating Tweets.
Even in prison! (Via a tweet from Bill Corbett)
Big Hollywood is sailing around the internets, planting its flag in every film and TV show it can find, and claiming them for conservatism. But American Thinker’s Ben-Peter Terpstra is not content to eat their dust, and has issued his own proprietary list of 30 Politically Incorrect Characters. Warning: his choices may shock you.
1. Detective Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) in Dirty Harry. Why: Because sometimes the “politically correct” system is too political, and because vigilante justice always beats death in a gripping police thriller. So, yes, Harry stands up to liberal San Francisco’s recidivist culture. “Well, do you, punk?”
Or they may bore you. Not to go off-topic, but I notice that no matter how much conservative kulturkampfers may adore Dirty Harry (some, like Big Hollywood’s John Nolte, even going so far as to adopt the film title as a nom de blog) they really don’t seem to care much for the sequel, Magnum Force, in which Harry is pitted against a cabal of rogue cops who take his anti-civil liberties bias to its logical conclusion.
5. Jack Moore (Richard Gere) in Red Corner. Why: An American capitalist in Red China finds himself at the mercy of the corrupt Chinese court system in a jail for a murder he didn’t commit. What’s not to like?
Personally, I would have preferred more dance numbers.
6. William Wallace (Mel Gibson) in Braveheart. Why: Scottish-Americans have the right to enjoy 13th-century Scottish warriors taking on effeminate Englishmen.
And getting their asses kicked. I guess the lesson here is, don’t tauntingly flip your kilt and bare your bum to a group of effeminate, but armed Englishmen, ’cause those teabags will make you give up the booty.
7. Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) in Spider-Man. Why: Spider-Man is just an all American guy, who happens to be the clean Dirty Harry of Superheroes. Oh, yes, and he adores his Bible-quoting aunt. Altogether now: “Ah…”
Except Spider-Man believes in personal responsibility, and abhors the abuse of power. Also, he went to ESU rather than Messiah College, so even if he did apply for a position in the Bush Administration, I doubt he would make it through one of Monica Goodling’s job interviews.
9. Charlotte Gray (Cate Blanchett) in Charlotte Gray. Why: Now, honestly, how many women are willing to (a) drop out of the sky and land in France; (b) save Jews; (c) fight appeasing frogs and (d) undermine Hitler’s National Socialists? Okay, besides Australia’s Nancy Wake. You go girlfriend.
And why is she “politically incorrect?” Because liberals believe that women should be out burning their bras and aborting their babies, not doing something useful and practical like skydiving, or undermining Hitler.
10. Spartacus (Kirk Douglas) in Spartacus. Why: Because Stanley Kubrick’s 1960s classic reminds me of a time, when Americans were free to talk about white and black slaves in the same sentence, man’s eternal struggle against the state, and…okay, let’s be honest, the gladiator fights are awesome dude.
If we are ever to heal the lingering wounds of racial injustice in this country, both white and black must unite on common ground, and agree that while African-Americans have some legitimate beefs about the Southern plantation system and Jim Crow, white-on-white slavery during the Roman Empire was worse, because Kirk Douglas was crucified, while Kunte Kinte only had part of his foot lopped off.
11. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) in 300. Why: Because, let’s face it, this is one of the greatest post-9/11 movies, with groundbreaking visual statements, a comically camp Persian King (read: Iran), an anti-appeasement narrative (read: War on Terror), and…well, okay more great battle scenes (read: testosterone).
It’s funny that the activists who want to ban same-sex marriage are the same people slobbering over a movie that was, to borrow a phrase from Patton Oswalt, “gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.”
17. James Bond (Daniel Craig) in Quantum of Solace. Why: Our enemy, Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric), works for the mysterious Quantum organization, Green Planet, a green front group. We witness him preaching about green destruction, and learn about his great land “gifts” to save the green planet. And, we laugh - or at least I do - when Greene praises his own good green works. So outrageous. So now. So Gore. And, yes, only the gun-loving 007 can take on this green nut.
Of course, the “green front group” was just that, camouflage for a plan to seize control of a major natural resource, and slowly bankrupt a world in desperate need of it. The story would have made as much, if not more sense, and probably would have lead to a more emotionally satisfying climax, if Greene had been the CEO of Exxon-Mobil.
20. Jesus (James Caviezel) in The Passion of the Christ. Why: I hate to topple Frank Rich’s theory. No, I didn’t instigate a pogrom after watching this movie in London. But, I probably said, “Isn’t it great that God sent a Jew to save us?” Honestly. How many Londoners participated in pogroms after the premiere?
Not nearly as many as those who slowly backed away from you in the lobby after the show.
24. Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) in 24: Redemption. Why: Finally, Jack Bauer is tapping into his inner Sean Hannity again.
In fact, he spent his entire hiatus living inside Sean Hannity’s neck.
You’ll see him working with a missionary in Africa. You’ll see Africans killing Africans. And, you’ll see how the United Nations corrupts the continent. This is thought-provoking stuff people.
Specifically, the thought it provokes is, “Where’s the hell’s the remote?”
26. Swoff (Jake Gyllenhaal) in Jarhead. Why: Not the anti-war sermon liberals were expecting. In fact, Swofford, a Marine Sniper in Gulf War I, is a likeable, albeit imperfect character, with penchant for pranks and he’s really in love with his gun. I mean, really in love with his gun. He’s a walking NRA advertisement.
So a movie about a Marine sniper who never fires his rifle is an advertisement for the NRA? Hey, I’m not complaining; if the gun enthusiasts would rather shoot less and spend more time caressing their pieces in the privacy of their own homes, I’m all for it. It just seems odd. Anyway, cue the late, great, Don LaFontaine: “In a world without subtext or double entendres, one man is free to love the penis substitute of his choice without having to hear a bunch of Freudian crap. This summer, Jack Gyllenhaal is Don Knotts in, The Reluctant Sniper.”
But perhaps Ben-Peter’s most eye-opening choices were his picks for Politically Incorrect Characters 2 and 3:
2 & 3: The Clones (Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson) in The Island. Why: Because it takes two pro-life clones to expose the body party parts industry.
Well, the clones were pro-life in the sense that they, themselves, wanted to live, and didn’t much care if other people had to die to ensure their own survival. But I guess the only genuinely surprising thing about The Island is its staying power. Theatrically, it came and went in the blink of an eye, but right-wing culture warriors have been clutching this movie to their bosoms without surcease since 2005; Human Events Online named it the third most conservative movie of the year:
3. The Island: Reviewers despised it. Audiences treated it as just another sci-fi flick. But The Island is a forceful and compelling pro-life statement.
Is it? Is it really? Well, we gave it the Better Living Through Bad Movies treatment back in 2006, and for those who missed it the first time, we present a special encore engagement below the fold:
Riley: We need to get bunkbeds in this joint.
Sadly, No! grazed the ravings of Poster Girl for Overprocessed Hair and secret comic book nerd Debbie Schlussel, who is outraged that “Spider-Man is in the tank for Obama.” During the campaign, the president-elect named Spider-Man and Batman as his favorite characters, and Marvel has rushed to exploit the endorsement, releasing an issue featuring an Obama cameo less than a week before the inauguration. But Debbie is appalled by the company’s attempts to dupe direct market aficianados into buying multiple copies of this naked chunk of collector bait, and believes such crass commercialism has no place in an industry that was apparently founded to fight the Nazis.
Once, comic books were against Nazis and Hitler and were very up front in supporting America’s fight against them. But those days are over.
Once again, Debbie goes where others fear to tread (whether for reasons of cowardice, self-respect, or a restraining order) and exposes Obama’s use of comic book characters to conceal his membership in the Aryan Brotherhood (although, to be fair, they only accepted his white half).
In the plot, the Chameleon tries to kill Barack Obama before he gets inaugurated–feeding into the BS narrative that Obama is a martyr-in-waiting more so than any other President.
This narrative, of course, depends on that old canard about there being a rash of attempted and successful political assassinations within living memory, and — and! — a history of racial violence in this country. The incredible coincidence of events that would require both those things to be true — at the same time — strains probability until it’s just shy of popping a hernia. In fact, Obama is less likely to be attacked than previous presidents; as a practicing Muslim, his fellow terrorists would hesitate to martyr him for fear they’d just be dispatching the guy straight to heaven and his 72 virgins.
Boy, I long for the days of Superman, Sgt. Fury, and other comic book superheroes fighting the Nazis . . . not sitting down to talk and eat wienerschnitzel with them or praising Presidents who want to do just that.
Screw that. I long for the day when our Presidents were fighting the bad guys! And not just Super-President, either:
From Toonopedia:
The basic idea was to go the 1960s TV cartoon Super President one better, putting presidential incumbent Ronald Reagan himself, along with several top members of his administration, in red, white and blue costumes like Captain America’s or The Shield’s, and sending them out to do superhero work among the rice paddies and sand dunes of America’s most hated enemies. This was accomplished by means of a technological marvel invented by a Professor Cashchaser, that gave the Raiders the bodies of young men (and instantly instilled commando training too, apparently).
The stories were just packed with the visceral thrills of seeing America’s Main Man in action. And that’s not all! They were also packed with amazingly dumb, campy references to Ron’s film career. This comic book version of Reagan seemed to have trouble distinguishing between movies and reality — which, of course, many political pundits would have thought made it true to life, if they’d been aware of the comic’s existence.
Reagan’s Raiders was about as successful as the rest of the Solson comics line. It lasted three issues, all published in 1987, and has since been seen mostly in “Best of the Worst” retrospectives.
It’s a wonder Ben Domenech and other Red White & Blue-diaper babies raised on Red Dawn didn’t use a small part of their allowances or trust funds to snap this title up at the time and make into a 3-color sensation, bigger than Mr. Muscles or even Brides in Love. But comic books are not solely about presidents gaining superpowers or the support of superpowered partisans; sometimes the medium is used to send our children uplifting, conservative messages in a graphic, but tasteful way.
I saw this in a collectibles shop in Portland, and while I didn’t feel inclined to pony up $18 for the book, the subhead, “THE CASE FOR THE PROSECUTION” makes me think Debbie probably has this one securely bagged in mylar and resting snuggly between her mint copies of The Haunted Tank and Tintin in the Congo.
Job Search Update: After much soul-searching and careful reflection, I have decided to decline the position offered me by Pajamas Media. When all is said and done, I just can’t bring myself to leave our wonderful World o’ Crap family. Also, during my interview, Roger L. Simon demanded to know if I was “in the closet,” then asked to see my plumber’s snake, and finally informed me that my duties would include the maintenance of his ball-cock.
But we have more important things to consider, with a mere ten days remaining to the Bush Administration. The clock is ticking, the hagiographies and autopsies are being hastily cut-n’-pasted, but as both First Lady Laura Bush and her scheming, Eve Harrington-like understudy, Condoleeza Rice have recently stated, only History is qualified to judge George W. Bush. And no doubt Bush, a philosophical man, is content to leave the final word to the future, for while History can render a verdict, it can’t actually follow that up by sentencing him to Leavenworth for war crimes and aggravated asshattery.
Fortunately, we don’t have to wait for History to conclude its deliberations — not as long as Townhall columnist Ross (”[A]pplies the lens of historical significance to today’s headlines in his weekly nationally syndicated column”) Mackenzie is on the job.
Before we begin, I’d just like to mention that Ross’s grimacing headshot always reminds of a line from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, Revenge of the Creature:
Never let the smile touch your eyes. That’s the rule with John Agar.
The left and the media and the ever-expanding blogosphere, and of course the Democrats, never permitted George Bush to recover from the circumstances of his 2000 election.
Congressional Democrats abused the power of their minority status to bully Bush from the very beginning. Who can forget those poignant tales of the First Hundred Days, when Bush took to his bed, a helpless invalid like Woodrow Wilson, while Dick Cheney fretted over the President, spoon-feeding him laudanum and applying hot compresses to his feet and bowels, never leaving Bush’s side, except briefly, to shave, don a fresh collar, and order a civilian jetliner shot down. Only rarely was the President glimpsed, from a distance, as he sat in the Rose Garden, swaddled in a traveling cloak and a lap rug, turning his squinting face toward the weak rays of the late winter sun. Damn those Democrats for kicking a man when he’s down!
Yet from Social Security and judges to the surge and terror and continuation of the tax cuts, malign leftists dug in and sought to foil him on every front — to deny him any victory, any success, anywhere.
Well, apparently that part of our plan worked out nicely.
“Malign” is too harsh? Consider:
Television, blogospheric, and newspaper commentaries slammed President Bush 24/7. Nicholson Baker wrote “Checkpoint,” whose protagonists weigh whether to assassinate him. Twelve thousand San Franciscans signed a petition to rename an Oceanside sewage plant for him.
That does seem unfair, when Clinton only had to put up with impeachment. And it’s certainly true that Nicholson Baker put George W. Bush’s life in danger by writing about a psychotic day laborer who wants to kill the president using “depleted uranium boulders, flying radio-controlled CD saws, homing bullets trained to target the victim by being ‘marinated’ in a tin with a picture of the president, and hypnotized Manchurian scorpions.” The threat of a copy-cat killer inspired by these methods is clearly something to be taken seriously, which probably explains why the Secret Service has been keeping Rube Goldberg under surveillance.
But I don’t think one can simply pigeonhole Baker as a purveyor of liberal agit-prop, since he also wrote Vox, a book-length phone sex call which even Bill O’Reilly admits changed his life.
Hollywood went apoplectic, with Oliver Stone — director of the detestable October-released flick “W” — declaring: “We are a poorer and less secure nation for having elected (Bush) as our president. . . . America finds itself fighting unnecessary and costly wars and engaging in dangerous and counterproductive efforts to fight extremism. Even more significant and troubling, I believe, is his legacy of immorality.”
It’s a sad day for invective when Oliver Stone sounds muted and magisterial in his remarks. I don’t want to come off like Norma Desmond bemoaning the Talkies, but remember the 90s, when Hillary Clinton was a lesbian Lady Macbeth who murdered her male lover in a public park, and Bill was a homicidal serial rapist who ran the northern hemisphere’s largest cocaine cartel out of the Arkansas Governor’s mansion? In those days, we had apoplexy!
Despite this vicious stream, George Bush persevered and prevailed. 9/11 changed him.
That’s good. Because if ever I’ve seen a look on a man’s face that says, “I think I’ve just soiled myself…”
Mistakes abounded, but no subsequent domestic jihadist strike ensued. As he noted at the Army War College last month, this staggering security success was “not a matter of luck.”
It was a matter of dumb luck. Give the dumb it’s due.
The enterprise in Iraq…
Wait, it’s not even a war now, it’s an investment opportunity? And you didn’t tip me off to the IPO, even after I sent away for the free prospectus?!
…following the surge, now approaches victory –
Much the way Tom Ewell approached Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch.
Barack Obama repeatedly pronounced Iraq a distraction and — from beginning to end — a mistake. Yet a resolute Bush was true to his values, to his nation, and to mankind’s ultimate cause.
Which is, apparently, to barge into some distant country uninvited and shower billions of dollars on a small group of its inhabitants for the privilege of killing a large group of other inhabitants. Basically, Bush has sent the entire U.S. military to The Most Dangerous Game Fantasy Camp. And while I, personally, would not have suggested that this was the ultimate purpose of mankind, who am I to argue with Intelligent Design?
Last month he told The Wall Street Journal’s Kimberly Strassel that liberty can be extended beyond Iraq as long as America continues to believe “in the universality of freedom.”
And peanut butter.
His early tax cuts helped the country out of the recession Bill Clinton left him. The budget exploded, as did deficits — largely a result of expanded defense spending for the war on terror. (Said Bush in the Strassel interview: “I refused to compromise on the military” — for which thank heaven, given that the first obligation of every administration is the people’s protection.)
Bush was correct about Social Security, despite a spineless, risk-averse Congress unwilling to get its game together. While vastly more nominations would have been better, he managed against obstructionist Senate Democrats to gain approval of 61 federal appellate judges (compare Clinton’s 65), now constituting majorities on 10 of the 13 appellate courts. And he gave us the estimable Supreme Court Justices Roberts and Alito.
Now, I realize every single sentence above is flatly contradicted by any rational interpretation of the present circumstances, but remember — this isn’t Ross talking — it’s History! From the future! And thousands of years from now, when we’ve all grown a sixth digit and developed a huge, lightbulb-shaped cranium like David McCallum in The Outer Limits, our ancestors will look back on 2009 and pity our primitive, microcephalic, five-fingered ways, and our inability to foresee that in a universe of 23 orthogonal branes, George W. Bush is actually the shit.
Yes, spending blew out of control — albeit with congressional concurrence. Problems plagued the war’s conduct in Iraq. Post-Katrina New Orleans was mishandled.
Passive voices ran wild through our online essays. It was nuts.
Still, Bush can boast hefty tax cuts, major assistance for HIV-infected areas of Africa, significant gains in health care and in education accountability, a multi-ethnic Cabinet (including the first two African-American secretaries of state), and massive improvements from surveillance to strategic policy.
Not to diminish George Bush’s pioneering advances in the field of civil rights, but do you still get to take credit for the first two African-American secretaries of State when one of them hates you and voted for the other party’s candidate?
Yet Bush carried two added burdens: (1) difficulty in articulating his goals and (2) relentless hammering by leftists hostile to his values and his success.
Hey, wait, you said we denied him “any victory, any success anywhere.” No take-backs!
Then, perceiving him harmful to the Republican brand, many conservatives abandoned him as well.
Because he was so successful.
George Bush a perfect president? Hardly. The worst president of the past half-century, as too many with ideological axes to grind would have us believe? Compare, oh, Carter and Clinton. A more prudent categorization: The most consequential president since Reagan.
As witnessed by the fact that we are indeed facing some serious consequences. You and your sidekick History have trumped me, sir.
