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That’s Comedy, By George

When George W. Bush leaves office in two weeks, the world may be better off but the comedy world will suffer a real loss. Here, from David Letterman, are 10 reasons to miss this guy:

Gingerbread House Foreclosure

My poor nephew Zach. Last year he stumbled upon a video of Santa being shot on Christmas Eve, and here he is discovering that his gingerbread house has gone into foreclosure. I fear if Santa doesn’t get him that Playstation he’s dying for, the only bailout he’ll need is from jail.

Here’s wishing everybody a Mele Kalikimaka!

Tags: bailout, christmas, foreclosure, gingerbread, house

Joe The Turkey Killer

This video of Sarah Palin presiding over a turkey pardoning is all over the place today but here it is for anybody who hasn’t seen it. Right around the two minute mark, the contrast between Palin’s words and the action behind her is priceless. You know the folks at Saturday Night Live are crying over the fact that this video didn’t come out before the election. Joe the Turkey Killer is way more entertaining than Joe the Plumber.

I Really Need To Grow Up

I was reading through a travel journal I kept on a trip around the country my family took when I was 10 and thought I’d share a few excerpts:

“We went to McDonald’s for breakfast. I had hotcakes & sausage.”

“We went to a nearby KOA campground to their drug store and I got a lot of comics.”

“The Grand Canyon was beautiful. The shades of rock were pretty colors. The length could make you sick.”

“The Petrified Forest was nothing like we expected. All it was was wood everywhere, no forest or trees.”

“We were right next to a waterslide. We went on it for an hour. I somehow always ended up going backwards. When we were supposed to get out I kept going for a 1/2 hour. I could’ve gone longer but I figured I better get home.”

“The arcade was gnarly. Today I got 2 or 3 free pinball games. Lucky me.”

“I got over 100,000 on a soccer pinball game. I also got 3 free games to play. I’m having a lucky streak.”

“The pool had a slide and diving board. The game room was gnarly.”

“We were all getting a bit cranky. While everyone set up, John and I had to stay in the car. What a bummer.” (Note: for the life of me, I can’t figure out why that was a bummer).

“The other day I played the funniest joke on Jodi…”

“John met 3 friends, 2 were total babes.”

All the identification information was filled in except for my weight and I abandoned the journal after just two weeks. Basically, what I learned from reading this and checking out the pictures is that, other than declaring myself a Christian and showing some maternal instincts in keeping my first smurf warm while I froze my ass off on top of the Empire State Building, I haven’t changed all that much since I was 10.

A Bittersweet Election

I never thought I’d ever take as much of an interest in an election as I did this one and I never imagined that the outcome would move me to tears but I did get a bit misty-eyed last night. First I experienced tears of joy listening to the inspiring acceptance speech of a President-elect I truly believe will improve the quality of life for the majority in this country and will improve our standing on the international stage (fortunately, my curiosity over who was the white guy Oprah was hanging all over prevented me from being a total blubbering idiot). And I was thoroughly warmed to know that the American voters have progressed to the point of accepting a black person as Commander in Chief. The cheers I heard on the streets all night were beyond anything I’ve heard even on Superbowl Sunday. How cool is that for a political election? Obama’s victory confirmed that the American dream is alive and well for everybody (even if it’s only worth a fraction of what the Chinese dream is worth).

But unfortunately I later learned that people haven’t made as much progress as I thought so the American dream isn’t alive for everybody. I shed a few tears of sadness when it was certain that gay marriage bans passed in all 11 states where they were on the ballots, reminding me that a lot of ignorance and hatred still exists. It was particularly disappointing that Prop 8 passed in California, where I thought people were more tolerant of alternative lifestyles. I guess I should look on the positive side that 4.76 million people in the state voted in support of equal rights for everybody and that I’m not aware of a single friend who voted against that.

There was further disappointment when I learned the decriminalization of prostitution was shot down in San Francisco. It’s not like I’m a big proponent of sex-for-hire, it’s more an issue of logic to me. However, I was pleased to hear about some progress in a few states:

• Marijuana reforms passed in Massachusetts and Michigan (I’m all for legalizing and taxing pot as I am for prostitution).

• Washington became the second state to approve physician-assisted suicide. I have the horrible suspicion I’m going to live a long life and that all the crap I’ve done to my body will catch up with me so I’d like to know I have a few options when I think the party’s over.

• Nebraska voters approved a ban on race- and gender-based affirmative action. I don’t support preferential treatment based on gender or race any more than I support discrimination.

My disposition was improved throughout the night by watching Fox News and hearing anchor after anchor come up with ridiculous excuses as to why Obama won– that station is pure comedy, which is why it’s always my news channel of choice the three times a year when I actually turn on tv news. I have faith that Obama will prove his detractors wrong and live up to his hype and that he’ll be able to convince the countless moronic McCain supporters who still think he’s a Muslim, Socialist, terrorist-lovin’ Arab that he’s in fact what he says he is. And I predict that Obama will go down as the greatest President of my lifetime.

So I’d just like to say to President-elect Barack Obama: dude, don’t fuck this up.

Barack The Vote

NO on 4.

NO NO NO on 8 (don’t even come back to my site if you vote “yes”).

YES YES YES OMIGOD I’M COMING on Obama.

Do it. And get your free cup of coffee from Starbucks on the way home.

Election ‘08: The Issues

As promised in my last post, here are some of the issues surrounding this election that I wanted to discuss:

Republicans vs. Democrats- I recently had the epiphany that the Republican party is all very ME, ME, ME oriented. It’s all about “what *I* want” or how policies “will affect ME.” The Republican stance is that if they don’t like something, they don’t want anybody else to do it either. I don’t think that’s a sound attitude for our nation. I don’t like abortion (and I’m the first to encourage people to double up on birth control methods to avoid it) but I support other people’s right to choose. I despise organized religion but I support other people’s choice to worship in peace. There’s no smart reason to keep a gun in the home but I support people’s right to do so. Then there’s the hypocrisy of the party. Republicans deride Democrats for wasting money providing assistance to the less fortunate but when wealthier homeowners are in a bit of trouble, they’ve got no problem dropping $700 billion to help. Sometimes it’s best to set aside selfish desires for the greater good and the Republican stance just doesn’t do that.

Obama’s race- Everybody talks about the fact that Obama would be the first black president but I’ve yet to hear anybody mention that he would also be the 44th white president. And the dude is actually pretty white– that photo above only took me about two minutes to make because it didn’t require much color matching. He’s as white as I am. I definitely like the fact that he’s more black than other president before, I just think it’s a bit of a slight to the white mother and grandparents who raised him to ignore the fact that he’s just as much white as he is black.

Taxes- I used to believe that everybody should pay the same percentage in taxes but in the last year I’ve changed my stance on this. I realized that everybody has the same number of hours in a week and that the person earning $1 million per year isn’t necessarily working any harder than the person earning $30 thousand per year. I believe there’s a certain amount of luck that comes with earning a massive salary and that the phrase “it takes money to make money” is very true. We’re turning into a nation without a middle class and that needs to change. If I were rolling in more than $250 thousand per year, I wouldn’t have a problem paying a larger share so I’m quite happy to endorse Obama’s tax plan.

Health care- The one area I actually agree with McCain on is that insurance benefits provided by an employer should be taxed. Why not? An individual who pays for insurance is buying it with money that’s already been taxed so why shouldn’t insurance that’s paid for by a person’s company also be taxed? But beyond that, I think Obama’s plan for overhauling the health insurance industry is significantly better than McCain’s.

Music choices- After McCain was slapped with a lawsuit by Jackson Browne for the unauthorized use of one of his songs in a campaign ad, FOUR more artists (Heart, John Mellencamp, Survivor and Bon Jovi) have requested the McCain campaign stop using their songs. Aren’t there any Republican musicians willing to contribute their songs for McCain’s campaign??? Maybe they can make a remix of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s screeching and make that the campaign song. I know McCain isn’t involved in song selection but it doesn’t say much for his management skills when he continues to employ whomever it is that repeatedly disrespects artists in this manner.

Dirty campaigning- It’s all so juvenile and I suspect that the people who really buy into the attacks are already in strong support of one side or the other so what’s the point? First there were the accusations that Obama is Muslim. So what if he was? We live in a nation where people believe the freedom to practice their own religion should be respected– as long as that religion is Christian. Fuck all the hypocrites who feel that way. Then there’s the silly William Ayers stuff. Should a candidate really be judged by some loose company he keeps? If Obama is guilty of palling around with terrorists, isn’t McCain guilty of palling around with a guy who pals around with terrorists? And as members of Congress, aren’t they both guilty of palling around with crooks, liars and cheats? I’d like to see the Obama camp spin the issue in their favor. After all, isn’t a Commander and Chief who can work with terrorists to organize charity events a good thing? As for Sarah Palin spending $150,000 on wardrobe and $22,000 for two weeks of makeup, that shouldn’t come as any surprise. It takes A LOT of lipstick to make a pit bull camera ready.

Hillary supporters siding with McCain- When I first heard about all the Hillary supporters who said they were going to vote for McCain out of spite to Obama for not choosing Hillary as his running mate, I realized they aren’t really Hillary supporters, they’re vagina supporters and it almost made me wish women were never given the right to vote. People who are voting for McCain for no other reason than the fact that there’s a woman on the ticket are no better than KKK members who will vote for McCain for no other reason than he’s white. It’s just icky and backward to me.

Some regional issues:

Proposition 8- Anybody who’s read my blog for any length of time knows that I’m a strong advocate for gay rights, mostly because it’s really the last form of bigotry in this country that’s not only tolerated, it’s encouraged by many top leaders. This is the California initiative to amend the constitution to define marriage as being between a man and a woman thus nullifying all the recent gay marriages. The proponents have resorted to scare tactics like saying that if Prop 8 is shot down, kids will be taught about gay marriage in schools, as if anything having to do with marriage (gay or otherwise) would suddenly be added to the curriculum. Give me a break. I beg all California residents to vote No on H8.

Proposition K- This is a San Francisco measure that would decriminalize prostitution making San Francisco the first major city in the U.S. to do so. It’s expected to save the city $11 million each year that’s spent arresting hookers. Prostitution is never going away and it’s time to wise up and legalize it, regulate it and, most importantly, TAX IT. Decriminalization is a good first step toward that so I hope folks in the SF area will support this.

Election ‘08: The Players

Last week was the three year blogiversary of “People are Idiots.” Unfortunately, due to the economic crisis, we had to cancel the ticker tape parade that had been planned but in its stead I shredded up five $1 dollar bills and threw them around my room since it was cheaper than actually buying confetti.

But rather than focus on the last three years of blogging, I’m finally going to weigh in on the next four years (hopefully, eight years) of our country. I’m not a big fan of politics because I find it all terribly boring except when discussed by John Stewart or Stephen Colbert. However, this time around I actually watched all the debates and since that’s about eight hours of redundancy I can never get back, I’d like to offer my opinions in two parts. The first is on the players and the second will be on some of the issues.

The Players:

Barrack Obama- My previous choices for president have been quite simple for me because there’s always been one guy who’s clearly an oppressive bigot so my vote has always gone to the other guy by default (needless to say, I’ve always voted for Democratic presidential candidates). But this time I’m supporting a candidate that I truly think is awesome. I finally understand the enthusiasm people felt toward John F. Kennedy (senior, that is. I always understood the enthusiasm for JFK Jr.) It’s hard to not like Obama, no matter what your political beliefs are. I believe even KKK members are thinking, “Well, he IS half white…” which is a refreshing “glass is half full” approach to prejudice. The beauty of this election is that I already know he’s going to win. It’s not simply because of what the media’s reporting but because there are members of my faithful Republican family who are going to vote for Obama. That’s all the polling I need. Go Obama!!!

Joe Biden- The Veep debate instilled a bit of confidence that Biden’s a competent selection for V.P. though it felt like he was towing the company line as a reluctant supporter of some of Obama’s policies. He should be fine as V.P. but I don’t want him to be in a position to assume the presidency.

John McCain- No politician is to be trusted but I REALLY don’t trust McCain. All he seems to understand is how to make the rich richer and how to make the military stronger and I fear his approach to both of these matters will be even more aggressive and detrimental than Bush’s. And one thing that really bugged me in the debates (besides his creepy smile) is the way he repeatedly turned around Obama’s words even when Obama made himself quite clear about his tax and health plans. I can’t stand it when people do that. McCain excels at doublespeak and I hope people won’t be fooled by it. For instance, he keeps saying that potential Supreme Court justices wouldn’t be put to any litmus test on issues like Roe v. Wade- he just wants to find qualified candidates. But he let it slip at the last debate that somebody who supports Roe v. Wade probably wouldn’t fit his definition of “qualified.” McCain is bullshit in a crusty old package.

Sarah Palin- I’ll start with the only compliments I can pay her, which are that she gave a decent performance on SNL and she was a good sport about it and that she’s an attractive woman so I’m sure when her V.P. aspirations don’t pan out she’ll have a lucrative Playboy offer to mull over. Yeah, that sums up the niceties I have for her. When I first heard that McCain selected her as his running mate I was excited to know that come January, either a woman or a black was going to be in the White House. But the more I’ve learned about her, the already-weak McCain ticket became much weaker to me. While most people seem to have a problem with her lack of experience, I don’t. Given the choice between an experienced candidate with poor vision and a smart, inexperienced candidate with great vision, I’ll take the latter. Unfortunately, Palin is an inexperienced candidate with such piss poor vision she thinks she can see Russia from her breakfast nook. Palin in the White House is such a bad idea that I’m sure when the concept was pitched to Disney as a movie (hockey mom with the hokey “Fargo” accent running for V.P.- you KNOW it’s been pitched before), even those crap regurgitators turned it down because it was too far-fetched.

Hillary Clinton- Since I’m not entirely sure she’s totally withdrawn from the race, I’ll give her a shout out. I wouldn’t have been disappointed if she’d won the nomination because policy-wise, she’s pretty close to Obama. The main reasons why I prefer Obama to her is that I trust him more and I like that he’s a relative newcomer to the Washington scene. For most of my life, two families have sat in the White House and I think it’s time for some new blood. Sorry Hill.

Joe the Plumber- The funniest thing to me about Joe the Plumber is that based on what we’ve learned about him since McCain dragged him into the last debate is that it sounds like he’s somebody who will prosper under Obama’s tax plan, not McCain’s. But enough about Joe the Plumber and Joe Six Pack. What I want to know is why isn’t anybody talking about Joe Shmoe and what he’s been through over the last eight years?

Why Buy When You Can Lease?

I thought the following story was kind of funny in a twisted sort of way. If this law had been in effect when I was younger, there’s no question I would have spent my teen years as a ward of the state:

Nine siblings are among 11 children as old as 17 who were left at Omaha hospitals Wednesday under Nebraska’s unique and new safe haven law, which allows caregivers to abandon babies and teenagers alike at hospitals without fear of prosecution.
(Full story)

United in Dryness

I’m sure a lot of people have been anxiously awaiting an update on my progress with kicking my lip balm addiction. Since freeing myself from Vaseline’s clutches over two months ago, I’ve had two nights when I needed a little comfort slather but other than that I’ve been sleeping lip balm free.

What really irks me is the lack of enthusiasm I detect from people when I tell them about my accomplishment. When an alcoholic says he hasn’t had a drink in two months, people are popping champagne and buying drinks all around. But when I mention that my decades-long battle with lip balm has come to an end they just say, “What the fuck is a lip balm addiction? And why did you stop me on the street to tell me about it?”

It made me realize that it’s time to bring this disease (yes, it’s a disease; because I say so) to the forefront. We need to show sympathy to the one billion* Americans who may not even be aware they suffer from this and could unknowingly be spreading it through oral contact. So I have started a non-profit organization called United in Dryness to call attention to this matter.

This isn’t an organization of idle talk, it’s one of action. I’ve arranged to have kiosks set up in all CVS stores where people can safely turn in their lip balms, no questions asked (except Carmex- just throw that shit in the trash). The kiosks are shaped like little red baskets usually located near the front of the store, though occasionally representatives will be walking around carrying them. Feel free to drop all your old lip balm products right into the rep’s basket. This will ensure that lip balm is out of the hands of kids. At least, it will be out of the hands of kids who don’t go to CVS.

I’ll also be going around to junior high schools speaking to teenagers about how to avoid the temptations of lip balm and I’ll espouse the virtues of living a Chapstick-free life. A court order prevents me from actually going on campuses so I’ll just be hanging out in the parking lots giving away pamphlets and free cigarettes to anybody who wants to be enlightened about this serious addiction.

And of course I’ve created the obligatory pin representing our cause as featured in the photo above. The lips represent lips and the heart represents a heart (I like to keep my symbols pretty straightforward). I strongly encourage all Americans to wear these pins to show your support. Sure, those little pink breast cancer ribbons are lovely but let’s face it, we’re never coming up with a cure and you’re only wasting valuable lapel space by wearing one.

United in Dryness: throw away the lube and lick those lips instead.

*Data provided by the same pollsters who predicted the outcomes of the Democratic caucuses so actual numbers may vary by +/- 100%.

Tags: chapstick, lip balm addiction, vaseline

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