3/12/2009
Ari Fleischer at Sunrise:
Ari Fleischer awakens in the morning sucking down air like a drowning man surfacing in the middle of the ocean, like he's only got a couple of seconds to breathe until the next wave washes over him, until he's sucked down by the undertow. And then he remembers who he is and what his role is in this world. "Goddamn you, soul," he says to himself, for, whatever you want to call it - soul, conscience, Jiminy Motherfuckin' Cricket - these split seconds when it escapes are always the most tightrope-jostling terrors. He shoves it back down, forgets about the ocean, and rises.
After a piss, he showers and shaves, quickly, so that he doesn't have to stare at his face in the mirror for too long. It's those times that he wishes he still wore glasses because then there was some buffer between himself and his reflection, which always talks back to him, forcing him to remember all the lies he was given to tell with a straight face, lies that he was told to speak as forcefully as gospel, and that he ran away because he couldn't stand seeing himself on television every night, demanding that no one question the lies he himself refused to question. When one lives under the threat of Dick Cheney breaking into your house and cutting your kids' jugulars in front of you, one tends to do what one is told.
Clean and dressed, he grabs a cup of coffee and pads into his office to check his email, get his talking points, read Drudge. He watches a clip of himself looking smilingly impatient on Hardball last night, when he told Chris Matthews, "But after September 11, having been hit once, how could we take a chance that Saddam might not strike again? And that's the threat that has been removed, and I think we're all safer with that threat being removed." He watches the entire segment. Goddamn, he thinks, that was kick-ass.
And then the video messenger pops up. It's Rove. Goddamnit. He just got dressed. "Ari, put on the fuckin' cam," Rove barks. Fleischer pauses, which just makes Rove angrier. "C'mon, you doe-eyed dick, I know you're there." Fleischer puts the cam on and asks Rove what he wants, as if he doesn't already know since Rove is sitting there without pants on. "You know what I want, Ari. Do it. Do the Oval Office trick." Shit, Fleischer thinks. How many times is he gonna have to go through this? Ever since he first did it on command for George W. Bush's amusement, Rove has come at him again and again.
Offering no resistance, Fleischer carefully removes his slacks and folds them over the chair. He turns the computer around so that the cam can get him in the middle of the floor. He drops his underwear and sits bare-ass on the rug. In the corner of his eye, he catches the screen and sees Rove starting to fondle his AAA battery of a penis. With the dexterity of a circus performer, Ari Fleischer pulls his legs behind his head and starts to suck his own cock. Rove moans as the former press secretary deep throats his own joint, jerkily bobbing his head up and down. A few moments of this, accompanied by a bit of anxious anus fingering, and both men groan as they cum together, Rove onto his lap, Fleischer into his mouth. It would surprise almost no one to hear that he's a swallower. The low rumble of Rove's voice comes from the computer's speakers: "That was good, Ari, really good. Talk to you soon." And the video window is gone.
Fleischer gets up, sighs, and wipes himself off with a Kleenex. He debates brushing his teeth as he puts his underwear and pants back on, but instead he swirls his cold coffee around his mouth. He sits back down at his computer, a little proud that he can still get the old legs back there. He uses some Purell on his asshole-fingering hand. And just as he sits back down and gets ready to do some more research, another window pops up. It's Bush. Fleischer rolls his eyes. He wonders why he even bothers putting pants on some mornings.
Ari Fleischer awakens in the morning sucking down air like a drowning man surfacing in the middle of the ocean, like he's only got a couple of seconds to breathe until the next wave washes over him, until he's sucked down by the undertow. And then he remembers who he is and what his role is in this world. "Goddamn you, soul," he says to himself, for, whatever you want to call it - soul, conscience, Jiminy Motherfuckin' Cricket - these split seconds when it escapes are always the most tightrope-jostling terrors. He shoves it back down, forgets about the ocean, and rises.
After a piss, he showers and shaves, quickly, so that he doesn't have to stare at his face in the mirror for too long. It's those times that he wishes he still wore glasses because then there was some buffer between himself and his reflection, which always talks back to him, forcing him to remember all the lies he was given to tell with a straight face, lies that he was told to speak as forcefully as gospel, and that he ran away because he couldn't stand seeing himself on television every night, demanding that no one question the lies he himself refused to question. When one lives under the threat of Dick Cheney breaking into your house and cutting your kids' jugulars in front of you, one tends to do what one is told.
Clean and dressed, he grabs a cup of coffee and pads into his office to check his email, get his talking points, read Drudge. He watches a clip of himself looking smilingly impatient on Hardball last night, when he told Chris Matthews, "But after September 11, having been hit once, how could we take a chance that Saddam might not strike again? And that's the threat that has been removed, and I think we're all safer with that threat being removed." He watches the entire segment. Goddamn, he thinks, that was kick-ass.
And then the video messenger pops up. It's Rove. Goddamnit. He just got dressed. "Ari, put on the fuckin' cam," Rove barks. Fleischer pauses, which just makes Rove angrier. "C'mon, you doe-eyed dick, I know you're there." Fleischer puts the cam on and asks Rove what he wants, as if he doesn't already know since Rove is sitting there without pants on. "You know what I want, Ari. Do it. Do the Oval Office trick." Shit, Fleischer thinks. How many times is he gonna have to go through this? Ever since he first did it on command for George W. Bush's amusement, Rove has come at him again and again.
Offering no resistance, Fleischer carefully removes his slacks and folds them over the chair. He turns the computer around so that the cam can get him in the middle of the floor. He drops his underwear and sits bare-ass on the rug. In the corner of his eye, he catches the screen and sees Rove starting to fondle his AAA battery of a penis. With the dexterity of a circus performer, Ari Fleischer pulls his legs behind his head and starts to suck his own cock. Rove moans as the former press secretary deep throats his own joint, jerkily bobbing his head up and down. A few moments of this, accompanied by a bit of anxious anus fingering, and both men groan as they cum together, Rove onto his lap, Fleischer into his mouth. It would surprise almost no one to hear that he's a swallower. The low rumble of Rove's voice comes from the computer's speakers: "That was good, Ari, really good. Talk to you soon." And the video window is gone.
Fleischer gets up, sighs, and wipes himself off with a Kleenex. He debates brushing his teeth as he puts his underwear and pants back on, but instead he swirls his cold coffee around his mouth. He sits back down at his computer, a little proud that he can still get the old legs back there. He uses some Purell on his asshole-fingering hand. And just as he sits back down and gets ready to do some more research, another window pops up. It's Bush. Fleischer rolls his eyes. He wonders why he even bothers putting pants on some mornings.
3/11/2009
In Brief: Hey, Science, Glad to Have You Back. It's Been a While:
As the Rude Pundit wrote yesterday, demi-man Charles Krauthammer refused to go to Barack Obama's signing ceremony for his executive order allowing federal funding for embryonic stem cell research because Obama also issued a memorandum on scientific integrity that Krauthammer took as a dis to George W. Bush's habit of taking science out behind a barn, fucking it to tears and then shooting it three times in the back of its skull.
That memorandum is actually quite interesting because it says, in essence, the most patently obvious shit, that science is science and that's how it should be. Obama writes, "Political officials should not suppress or alter scientific or technological findings and conclusions...The selection of scientists and technology professionals for positions in the executive branch should be based on their scientific and technological knowledge, credentials, experience, and integrity."
And, fuck yeah, it's a kick in the nuts of the Bush administration. That's because there's no doubt that W and his band of plunderers regularly distorted, suppressed, or outright lied about scientific studies its own fucking researchers were conducting. Actual research, done as honestly as possible, shows us how the world is, not how we might want it, the very notion of which flew in the face of the deluded pseudo-utopians in the previous administration.
To demonstrate how serious he is about the second thing up there - the selection of people - Obama nominated Shere Abbott as associate director of environment for the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. Abbott is big-time in the field of global sustainability and has worked extensively on climate change. In other words, Obama is walking the walk.
As the Rude Pundit wrote yesterday, demi-man Charles Krauthammer refused to go to Barack Obama's signing ceremony for his executive order allowing federal funding for embryonic stem cell research because Obama also issued a memorandum on scientific integrity that Krauthammer took as a dis to George W. Bush's habit of taking science out behind a barn, fucking it to tears and then shooting it three times in the back of its skull.
That memorandum is actually quite interesting because it says, in essence, the most patently obvious shit, that science is science and that's how it should be. Obama writes, "Political officials should not suppress or alter scientific or technological findings and conclusions...The selection of scientists and technology professionals for positions in the executive branch should be based on their scientific and technological knowledge, credentials, experience, and integrity."
And, fuck yeah, it's a kick in the nuts of the Bush administration. That's because there's no doubt that W and his band of plunderers regularly distorted, suppressed, or outright lied about scientific studies its own fucking researchers were conducting. Actual research, done as honestly as possible, shows us how the world is, not how we might want it, the very notion of which flew in the face of the deluded pseudo-utopians in the previous administration.
To demonstrate how serious he is about the second thing up there - the selection of people - Obama nominated Shere Abbott as associate director of environment for the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. Abbott is big-time in the field of global sustainability and has worked extensively on climate change. In other words, Obama is walking the walk.
Late Post Today:
The Rude Pundit is getting his package stimulated. Back in a bit with more rudiosity.
The Rude Pundit is getting his package stimulated. Back in a bit with more rudiosity.
3/10/2009
Obama, Stem Cells, and Pissy Right-Wingers (Updated):
First off, it's just gotta be pointed out, for no other reason than it's just damned funny, that the name of the rider to various bills that's been used to limit or ban federal funding of embryo creation for stem cell research is the Dickey-Wicker Amendment. And, if you're as goddamn tired and filled with scrips as the Rude Pundit's been the last few days, just saying "Dickey-Wicker" out loud will make you giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. Dickey-Wicker (c'mon, that's hilarious) has been renewed every year since 1995, although interpreted differently by Presidents Clinton and Bush, but with President Obama's announcement that federal funding can be used on existing embryos, Dickey-Wicker might fall.
Predictably, Obama's executive order created a hategasm on the right. The Family Research Council (motto: "Only Jesus can heal the lepers") says, "His decision will allow government agencies to use federal money to encourage experiments on innocent human life." It's sort of like giving orphans typhoid to see what happens. Well, if the orphans were smaller than the head of a pin. In dealing with the fact that stem cells are drawn from the embryos, FRC President Tony Perkins continues, "Supporters of the decision are quick to point out that Americans won't be financing the death of embryos. Although we may not be funding the killing, we are funding the killers." In other words, it's far, far better that frozen embryos are eventually just incinerated. Where's all those wives of God lining up to get some snowflakes implanted? (By the way, Perkins solution? Dickey-Wicker.)
Sure, sure, you might have some moral qualms, but chances are you are not going as bugfuck insane as others. Like, say, Glenn Beck, a man begging for a cockpunch, who, on his radio show, went the full Nazi. Comparing embryonic stem cell research for cures to diseases to eugenics, Beck blabbered, "In case you don’t know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person." It's not unlike saying that making mudpies will lead to an army of golems overrunning the village. On his Fox "news" show, where he has to pretend to be sane, Beck turned it into an economic decision: "It's taking the funding out of the private sector and making taxpayers pay for it. In this economy, this is what we're spending our money on? Where are his priorities?" And thus you see where Beck's morality really rests.
Finally, past the evangelical flat-earthers and the paranoiacs, you get to the fuckwads, like Charles Krauthammer, a man who could stand to benefit from a few stem cells. He was invited to the signing ceremony, but declined for a few reasons, one of which bespeaks a man whose mouth is so firmly planted on the former president's ass cheeks that even remoras tell him to give it a rest. Also on Fox "news," Krauthammer (translation: "German cock") said that Obama "had a memorandum which he signed in which he talks about restoring the scientific integrity in government decisions, which was is an outrageous attack on Bush. I disagreed with where Bush ended up drawing the line on permissible research, but he gave in August of 2001 the single most morally serious presidential speech on medical ethics ever given." Yes, nuance and seriousness were the hallmarks of the Bush administration. Even though he agrees with Obama for the most part, Krauthammer continued, "So I think it was disrespectful. And in pretending, as Obama did, that there's never a conflict between ethics and science, he was wrong."
Strangely, the Rude Pundit agrees with Charlie Kraut on this last point. It's just that the conflict's been between science and backwards ass ethics and morality. It's been an irrational conflict, not a science-based one. That difference now is a huge leap forward, an evolution, if you will, in America's attitude towards what is possible to explore.
Update: From Holy Taco, "How the Religious Right Sees Stem Cell Research: A Comic Book."
First off, it's just gotta be pointed out, for no other reason than it's just damned funny, that the name of the rider to various bills that's been used to limit or ban federal funding of embryo creation for stem cell research is the Dickey-Wicker Amendment. And, if you're as goddamn tired and filled with scrips as the Rude Pundit's been the last few days, just saying "Dickey-Wicker" out loud will make you giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. Dickey-Wicker (c'mon, that's hilarious) has been renewed every year since 1995, although interpreted differently by Presidents Clinton and Bush, but with President Obama's announcement that federal funding can be used on existing embryos, Dickey-Wicker might fall.
Predictably, Obama's executive order created a hategasm on the right. The Family Research Council (motto: "Only Jesus can heal the lepers") says, "His decision will allow government agencies to use federal money to encourage experiments on innocent human life." It's sort of like giving orphans typhoid to see what happens. Well, if the orphans were smaller than the head of a pin. In dealing with the fact that stem cells are drawn from the embryos, FRC President Tony Perkins continues, "Supporters of the decision are quick to point out that Americans won't be financing the death of embryos. Although we may not be funding the killing, we are funding the killers." In other words, it's far, far better that frozen embryos are eventually just incinerated. Where's all those wives of God lining up to get some snowflakes implanted? (By the way, Perkins solution? Dickey-Wicker.)
Sure, sure, you might have some moral qualms, but chances are you are not going as bugfuck insane as others. Like, say, Glenn Beck, a man begging for a cockpunch, who, on his radio show, went the full Nazi. Comparing embryonic stem cell research for cures to diseases to eugenics, Beck blabbered, "In case you don’t know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person." It's not unlike saying that making mudpies will lead to an army of golems overrunning the village. On his Fox "news" show, where he has to pretend to be sane, Beck turned it into an economic decision: "It's taking the funding out of the private sector and making taxpayers pay for it. In this economy, this is what we're spending our money on? Where are his priorities?" And thus you see where Beck's morality really rests.
Finally, past the evangelical flat-earthers and the paranoiacs, you get to the fuckwads, like Charles Krauthammer, a man who could stand to benefit from a few stem cells. He was invited to the signing ceremony, but declined for a few reasons, one of which bespeaks a man whose mouth is so firmly planted on the former president's ass cheeks that even remoras tell him to give it a rest. Also on Fox "news," Krauthammer (translation: "German cock") said that Obama "had a memorandum which he signed in which he talks about restoring the scientific integrity in government decisions, which was is an outrageous attack on Bush. I disagreed with where Bush ended up drawing the line on permissible research, but he gave in August of 2001 the single most morally serious presidential speech on medical ethics ever given." Yes, nuance and seriousness were the hallmarks of the Bush administration. Even though he agrees with Obama for the most part, Krauthammer continued, "So I think it was disrespectful. And in pretending, as Obama did, that there's never a conflict between ethics and science, he was wrong."
Strangely, the Rude Pundit agrees with Charlie Kraut on this last point. It's just that the conflict's been between science and backwards ass ethics and morality. It's been an irrational conflict, not a science-based one. That difference now is a huge leap forward, an evolution, if you will, in America's attitude towards what is possible to explore.
Update: From Holy Taco, "How the Religious Right Sees Stem Cell Research: A Comic Book."
3/09/2009
Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Snort Lutefisk:
That flat-faced fuck up there is former Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman (no, seriously, that is a disturbing damn profile - who the fuck hit him with a frying pan?). As the current vote tally of his race against Al Franken stands, Coleman is still behind by 225 votes. This, of course, leaves out the votes of independent candidate Dean Barkley, who received 15% of the vote. Combined with Franken's 42%, the math seems to indicate that 57% of Minnesotans don't want Norm Coleman to be their Senator. Yes, the same could be said of Franken, but Coleman was the one up for reelection. If you haven't convinced half your state that you're worth a shit after you've been in the Senate, then get the fuck out.
But in order to deny another vote for the Democrats in the Senate, Republicans are making sure that Coleman plays this degrading game of challenging the absentee and other ballots in every way shape or form, no matter how ridiculous or hypocritical. Aren't these the people that get their panties in a wad over frivolous lawsuits? And Coleman seems to show no signs that he minds. A wise man would have bailed by now. A decent man would have wanted to keep some dignity. But Norm Coleman is neither.
So call the photo above "Portrait of a Douchebag in Late Winter." Yeah, some things just seem like they're gonna drag on forever.
That flat-faced fuck up there is former Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman (no, seriously, that is a disturbing damn profile - who the fuck hit him with a frying pan?). As the current vote tally of his race against Al Franken stands, Coleman is still behind by 225 votes. This, of course, leaves out the votes of independent candidate Dean Barkley, who received 15% of the vote. Combined with Franken's 42%, the math seems to indicate that 57% of Minnesotans don't want Norm Coleman to be their Senator. Yes, the same could be said of Franken, but Coleman was the one up for reelection. If you haven't convinced half your state that you're worth a shit after you've been in the Senate, then get the fuck out.
But in order to deny another vote for the Democrats in the Senate, Republicans are making sure that Coleman plays this degrading game of challenging the absentee and other ballots in every way shape or form, no matter how ridiculous or hypocritical. Aren't these the people that get their panties in a wad over frivolous lawsuits? And Coleman seems to show no signs that he minds. A wise man would have bailed by now. A decent man would have wanted to keep some dignity. But Norm Coleman is neither.
So call the photo above "Portrait of a Douchebag in Late Winter." Yeah, some things just seem like they're gonna drag on forever.
3/06/2009
John McCain Won't Eat Pork:
The whole battle over a bullshit modicum of bullshit "pork barrel" projects is, well, bullshit. What's budgeted in the spending bill now before Congress for what some members consider pork and others consider essential spending in their districts or states is about 5% of the AIG bailout. And there's wee little John McCain, America's angriest leprechaun, jumpin' about and swingin' his crooked shillelagh like someone stole his pot o' gold, puffin' his pipe madly over 9000 "unnecessary and wasteful earmarks." Motherfucker's gotten on Twitter (users' motto: "Sweet Jesus, my life is such an unbearable void that I need to encourage stalkers") to crap out whatever his advisors tell him are the day's "10 Porkiest Projects."
As ever, as ever, one person's pork is another person's meat. And while loads of members of both parties have jumped on the hate-the-piggy wagon, let's just take a look or two at some of these hateful wastes of our money.
McCain cites "$632,000 for the Hungry Horse Project." What's cool about Twitter is that it allows you to say shit completely devoid of context or explanation. See, if you leave it at those few words, you may think, "Well, gee, shouldn't the horse's owners just feed them?" At which point, you would be a fucking idiot. Understandably so, but a fucking idiot no less. 'Cause, using the magic of the Google machine, the Hungry Horse Project is actually a dam, reservoir, and power plant in Montana. It provides hydroelectric power, flood control, and a great outdoor recreation area for the Columbia River basin. A bit above a half million for maintenance doesn't really seem like that much, but, then again, the Rude Pundit doesn't wanna shake his tiny fist at Mammon and Obama.
McCain tweets, "$3,806,000 for a Sun Grant Initiative in SD." That'd be about research at South Dakota State University, which works with schools around the nation to develop biofuels. You might think of this as a long-term investment in energy independence, but, then again, you are a fuckin' liberal tool who just wants to throw money at a problem.
And on and on: "$59,000 for Dismal Swamp and Dismal Swamp Canal in Virginia," which, again, sounds damn funny, except that Dismal Swamp is a national wildlife refuge maintained by the federal government, which means that it sometimes needs money so that it can be, you know, maintained.
McCain is such a baboon about this shit, mocking anything that has to do with science. And anything that has to do with community development. Are there stupid things in the bill? Fuck yeah. But we're talking $7 billion in a $410 billion bill to keep the government running. And if that's all you've got to bitch about, if you won't fuck that guy because he's got a mole on his arm, then you are just a vain bastard who loves to hear himself moan when he jacks off.
The whole battle over a bullshit modicum of bullshit "pork barrel" projects is, well, bullshit. What's budgeted in the spending bill now before Congress for what some members consider pork and others consider essential spending in their districts or states is about 5% of the AIG bailout. And there's wee little John McCain, America's angriest leprechaun, jumpin' about and swingin' his crooked shillelagh like someone stole his pot o' gold, puffin' his pipe madly over 9000 "unnecessary and wasteful earmarks." Motherfucker's gotten on Twitter (users' motto: "Sweet Jesus, my life is such an unbearable void that I need to encourage stalkers") to crap out whatever his advisors tell him are the day's "10 Porkiest Projects."
As ever, as ever, one person's pork is another person's meat. And while loads of members of both parties have jumped on the hate-the-piggy wagon, let's just take a look or two at some of these hateful wastes of our money.
McCain cites "$632,000 for the Hungry Horse Project." What's cool about Twitter is that it allows you to say shit completely devoid of context or explanation. See, if you leave it at those few words, you may think, "Well, gee, shouldn't the horse's owners just feed them?" At which point, you would be a fucking idiot. Understandably so, but a fucking idiot no less. 'Cause, using the magic of the Google machine, the Hungry Horse Project is actually a dam, reservoir, and power plant in Montana. It provides hydroelectric power, flood control, and a great outdoor recreation area for the Columbia River basin. A bit above a half million for maintenance doesn't really seem like that much, but, then again, the Rude Pundit doesn't wanna shake his tiny fist at Mammon and Obama.
McCain tweets, "$3,806,000 for a Sun Grant Initiative in SD." That'd be about research at South Dakota State University, which works with schools around the nation to develop biofuels. You might think of this as a long-term investment in energy independence, but, then again, you are a fuckin' liberal tool who just wants to throw money at a problem.
And on and on: "$59,000 for Dismal Swamp and Dismal Swamp Canal in Virginia," which, again, sounds damn funny, except that Dismal Swamp is a national wildlife refuge maintained by the federal government, which means that it sometimes needs money so that it can be, you know, maintained.
McCain is such a baboon about this shit, mocking anything that has to do with science. And anything that has to do with community development. Are there stupid things in the bill? Fuck yeah. But we're talking $7 billion in a $410 billion bill to keep the government running. And if that's all you've got to bitch about, if you won't fuck that guy because he's got a mole on his arm, then you are just a vain bastard who loves to hear himself moan when he jacks off.
3/05/2009
John Yoo Is a Piece of Shit:
Even if given a free pass from prison and lawsuits, there's still precious few asses that the Rude Pundit would waste his time kicking. 'Cause, see, if you've never been a real fight as a grown up, something that no one tells you is that it fucking hurts, even if you win. Your hands will be fucked up - bloody and cut, and you'll be lucky if you don't break your knuckles. This doesn't even get into what it feels like if your opponent gets in a few good licks, the throbbing in your face, the ache in your gut. And you know all that adrenaline that tightens up every muscle in your body when you get into a car accident and how you feel like whiplashed shit no matter the outcome? Yeah, you'll feel that, too. It sucks. And, unless you're one of those assholes who gets into throwdowns every weekend because you're too fuckin' stupid to use your brain, you would do best to avoid it.
But, again, only in theory, in that fantasyland of "get out of jail" free cards, the Rude Pundit would totally beat the living fuck out of legal "scholar" John Yoo. Not just because he was one of the primary bastards who gave the Bush administration irrational cover for its blatantly unconstitutional policies on detention, torture, and denial of rights. But because he's such a wad of fuck, a dullard prick who, as a professor, is actually given positions to directly influence the minds of students. And since the Rude Pundit knows a thing or two about academia, that insults him to the core.
In a softball interview with the Orange County Register this week, new OC resident Yoo reveals that he has no self-doubts about his role in undermining the very foundations of the United States. And he's just such a cocksucker about it all.
Here's Yoo's attitude towards the legislative branch: "Congress always wants to participate, and it wants to watch what the executive branch is doing and criticize when (Congress) thinks (the executive branch is) getting it wrong. It likes to take responsibility when things go well." It's no wonder that every memo he wrote was not about how to work with Congress, but how to defeat its will like the members were al-Qaeda's accomplices.
And on those memos, Yoo ne regrette rien: "These memos I wrote were not for public consumption. They lack a certain polish, I think – would have been better to explain government policy rather than try to give unvarnished, straight-talk legal advice. I certainly would have done that differently, but I don't think I would have made the basic decisions differently." It's sort of like how Torquemada always thought the iron maidens in the dungeon squeaked too loudly, but who has the time to lube the hinges?
See, John Yoo is a man with a clear sense of right and wrong: "Your client the president, or your client the justice on the Supreme Court, or your client this senator, needs to know what's legal and not legal. And sometimes, what's legal and not legal is not the same thing as what you can do or what you should do." One would think that logic would dictate that if it's not "legal," then by definition it's something you can't do. Unless, well, you expand the notion of legal to include anything your client wants to do. Like if you're trying to fuck a goat's asshole and it's just too tight to accommodate you. You could take that as a sign that perhaps you shouldn't be fucking the livestock. But if you're John Yoo, you just cut a hole in the side of the goat and start fucking it there.
And for John Yoo, there is no such thing as middle ground. Talking about the memos, Yoo said, "We didn't seek out those questions. 9/11 kind of thrust them on us. No matter what you do, there's going to be a lot of people who are upset with your decision. If Bush had done nothing, there would be a lot of people upset with his decision, too." See? You either abandon all the rights and principles of the Constitution or you do nothing. Black or white, motherfuckers, black or white. Gray is for pussies.
Fuck this guy. Every time a student walks into his classroom, he or she should take a huge shit on his desk and use his assignments to wipe their asses. To put it another way, would you trust a calculus teacher who can't even tell you what 1+1 equals?
Even if given a free pass from prison and lawsuits, there's still precious few asses that the Rude Pundit would waste his time kicking. 'Cause, see, if you've never been a real fight as a grown up, something that no one tells you is that it fucking hurts, even if you win. Your hands will be fucked up - bloody and cut, and you'll be lucky if you don't break your knuckles. This doesn't even get into what it feels like if your opponent gets in a few good licks, the throbbing in your face, the ache in your gut. And you know all that adrenaline that tightens up every muscle in your body when you get into a car accident and how you feel like whiplashed shit no matter the outcome? Yeah, you'll feel that, too. It sucks. And, unless you're one of those assholes who gets into throwdowns every weekend because you're too fuckin' stupid to use your brain, you would do best to avoid it.
But, again, only in theory, in that fantasyland of "get out of jail" free cards, the Rude Pundit would totally beat the living fuck out of legal "scholar" John Yoo. Not just because he was one of the primary bastards who gave the Bush administration irrational cover for its blatantly unconstitutional policies on detention, torture, and denial of rights. But because he's such a wad of fuck, a dullard prick who, as a professor, is actually given positions to directly influence the minds of students. And since the Rude Pundit knows a thing or two about academia, that insults him to the core.
In a softball interview with the Orange County Register this week, new OC resident Yoo reveals that he has no self-doubts about his role in undermining the very foundations of the United States. And he's just such a cocksucker about it all.
Here's Yoo's attitude towards the legislative branch: "Congress always wants to participate, and it wants to watch what the executive branch is doing and criticize when (Congress) thinks (the executive branch is) getting it wrong. It likes to take responsibility when things go well." It's no wonder that every memo he wrote was not about how to work with Congress, but how to defeat its will like the members were al-Qaeda's accomplices.
And on those memos, Yoo ne regrette rien: "These memos I wrote were not for public consumption. They lack a certain polish, I think – would have been better to explain government policy rather than try to give unvarnished, straight-talk legal advice. I certainly would have done that differently, but I don't think I would have made the basic decisions differently." It's sort of like how Torquemada always thought the iron maidens in the dungeon squeaked too loudly, but who has the time to lube the hinges?
See, John Yoo is a man with a clear sense of right and wrong: "Your client the president, or your client the justice on the Supreme Court, or your client this senator, needs to know what's legal and not legal. And sometimes, what's legal and not legal is not the same thing as what you can do or what you should do." One would think that logic would dictate that if it's not "legal," then by definition it's something you can't do. Unless, well, you expand the notion of legal to include anything your client wants to do. Like if you're trying to fuck a goat's asshole and it's just too tight to accommodate you. You could take that as a sign that perhaps you shouldn't be fucking the livestock. But if you're John Yoo, you just cut a hole in the side of the goat and start fucking it there.
And for John Yoo, there is no such thing as middle ground. Talking about the memos, Yoo said, "We didn't seek out those questions. 9/11 kind of thrust them on us. No matter what you do, there's going to be a lot of people who are upset with your decision. If Bush had done nothing, there would be a lot of people upset with his decision, too." See? You either abandon all the rights and principles of the Constitution or you do nothing. Black or white, motherfuckers, black or white. Gray is for pussies.
Fuck this guy. Every time a student walks into his classroom, he or she should take a huge shit on his desk and use his assignments to wipe their asses. To put it another way, would you trust a calculus teacher who can't even tell you what 1+1 equals?
3/04/2009
John Yoo and His Merry Band of Traitorous Lawyers:
The Rude Pundit has always looked on the Constitution fondly, like an old lover who occasionally calls to reminisce about all those wonderful steamy evenings in fine hotels in Boston and Philadelphia, that passionate headboard-thumping sex, the mornings in each other's arms, romantic, simple, idealized in memory, yet still viscerally exciting to recall. A Bush administration conservative, though, looked at the Constitution like a one-night stand bar pick-up that they can tell their buddies about later, high-fiving one another over tales of how one degraded that bitch, made her feel like shit as he fucked her in the ass and then said how fat she was, tied her up and pissed on her, and then took cell phone pictures of her when she finally passed out with her arms and legs still roped apart, laughing because, well, she may be a person, but why not use her 'til she's used up?
It's been said here before and, until someone's mea culpa'ed this shit, it's gonna be said again that John Yoo should not be allowed anywhere near law students. In fact, there should be aversion shock therapy on his nutsack so that if he even thinks about teaching constitutional law, he'll feel that sharp, grinding pain in his balls. For reading the memoranda from the Bush Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel written by Yoo, Jay Bybee, and others is not unlike listening to a particularly articulate tweener explain why it's okay to get a tattoo of the Halo Master Chief on his forearm. No matter how rational-sounding it may be, you know that ultimately it's bullshit.
The memos themselves are little doorways into the fact that, until they were repudiated, the executive branch of our government, post 9/11, decided that the Constitution was for suckers and bin Laden's bitches and, like that beaten bar pick-up, just there to use to get its rocks off.
Look at the June 27, 2002 memo. There, in giving Constitutional cover to the idea that the laws of the United States do not apply to the President as long as some vague idea of "war" is occurring, Yoo writes, "The fact that a detainee is an American citizen, thus, does not affect the President's constitutional authority as Commander in Chief to detain him, once it was been determined that he is an enemy combatant." They don't need to have done anything to be so determined, just have been "associated" with whoever has been vaguely defined as the "enemy." Or as Yoo says, "Nothing further need be demonstrated to justify their detention as enemy combatants."
Yoo went through what becomes a near-Joycean word game to say, at bottom, that the President can imprison a citizen without charge for as long as he damn well pleases. That would seem to be in complete opposition to the U.S. criminal code, which reads, "No citizen shall be imprisoned or otherwise detained by the United States except pursuant to an Act of Congress." And you know that when Congress said that George W. Bush can go get 'em some 9/11 terr'ists, they meant that Bush can lock up citizens and deny them habeas corpus rights. Well, at least Yoo says that's what the authorization meant.
Sometimes the memos are nearly breathtaking in their authors' desire to completely undermine what seems to be the straightforward meaning of the articles and amendments of the Constitution. In the April 8, 2002 memo arguing against a congressional act that sought to create rules for detention and military tribunals, Patrick Philbin essentially says that checks and balances are "fucking bullshit." (That's not an exact quote, but it is approximate.)
The Rude Pundit has mentioned the 2002 memos because they were not written in the heat of the desperate flailing about that the Bush administration engaged in after 9/11. These were considered actions by people who truly don't give a sad rat's fuck about what makes America American. The damned soul of Richard Nixon must be repeatedly slapping his enormous forehead, wondering why the hell he didn't think about doing this, shaking his fist and screaming, "Haldeman, goddamn you." Meanwhile, the ghost of James Madison wonders how in the fuck anyone could interpret the damn document to mean that a Commander in Chief is essentially a king. An ever-masturbating Ben Franklin just shakes his head.
The Rude Pundit has always looked on the Constitution fondly, like an old lover who occasionally calls to reminisce about all those wonderful steamy evenings in fine hotels in Boston and Philadelphia, that passionate headboard-thumping sex, the mornings in each other's arms, romantic, simple, idealized in memory, yet still viscerally exciting to recall. A Bush administration conservative, though, looked at the Constitution like a one-night stand bar pick-up that they can tell their buddies about later, high-fiving one another over tales of how one degraded that bitch, made her feel like shit as he fucked her in the ass and then said how fat she was, tied her up and pissed on her, and then took cell phone pictures of her when she finally passed out with her arms and legs still roped apart, laughing because, well, she may be a person, but why not use her 'til she's used up?
It's been said here before and, until someone's mea culpa'ed this shit, it's gonna be said again that John Yoo should not be allowed anywhere near law students. In fact, there should be aversion shock therapy on his nutsack so that if he even thinks about teaching constitutional law, he'll feel that sharp, grinding pain in his balls. For reading the memoranda from the Bush Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel written by Yoo, Jay Bybee, and others is not unlike listening to a particularly articulate tweener explain why it's okay to get a tattoo of the Halo Master Chief on his forearm. No matter how rational-sounding it may be, you know that ultimately it's bullshit.
The memos themselves are little doorways into the fact that, until they were repudiated, the executive branch of our government, post 9/11, decided that the Constitution was for suckers and bin Laden's bitches and, like that beaten bar pick-up, just there to use to get its rocks off.
Look at the June 27, 2002 memo. There, in giving Constitutional cover to the idea that the laws of the United States do not apply to the President as long as some vague idea of "war" is occurring, Yoo writes, "The fact that a detainee is an American citizen, thus, does not affect the President's constitutional authority as Commander in Chief to detain him, once it was been determined that he is an enemy combatant." They don't need to have done anything to be so determined, just have been "associated" with whoever has been vaguely defined as the "enemy." Or as Yoo says, "Nothing further need be demonstrated to justify their detention as enemy combatants."
Yoo went through what becomes a near-Joycean word game to say, at bottom, that the President can imprison a citizen without charge for as long as he damn well pleases. That would seem to be in complete opposition to the U.S. criminal code, which reads, "No citizen shall be imprisoned or otherwise detained by the United States except pursuant to an Act of Congress." And you know that when Congress said that George W. Bush can go get 'em some 9/11 terr'ists, they meant that Bush can lock up citizens and deny them habeas corpus rights. Well, at least Yoo says that's what the authorization meant.
Sometimes the memos are nearly breathtaking in their authors' desire to completely undermine what seems to be the straightforward meaning of the articles and amendments of the Constitution. In the April 8, 2002 memo arguing against a congressional act that sought to create rules for detention and military tribunals, Patrick Philbin essentially says that checks and balances are "fucking bullshit." (That's not an exact quote, but it is approximate.)
The Rude Pundit has mentioned the 2002 memos because they were not written in the heat of the desperate flailing about that the Bush administration engaged in after 9/11. These were considered actions by people who truly don't give a sad rat's fuck about what makes America American. The damned soul of Richard Nixon must be repeatedly slapping his enormous forehead, wondering why the hell he didn't think about doing this, shaking his fist and screaming, "Haldeman, goddamn you." Meanwhile, the ghost of James Madison wonders how in the fuck anyone could interpret the damn document to mean that a Commander in Chief is essentially a king. An ever-masturbating Ben Franklin just shakes his head.
