Robert Pattinson's magical forest has been mowed down! This tragic incident has left dozens of unicorns, fairies and toadstools homeless. They temporarily set up home inside Princess Zac Efron's perfectly manicured dick bush, but it's just not the same. I mean, the top of Robert's hair doesn't twinkle the way it used to.

There has to be a good reason for this. Maybe he donated his enchanted locks to scientists so that they can use it to find the cure for cancer or something. Or maybe Robert was getting sick of crazy fangirls pulling out his hair in chunks and then running away into the night. Yeah, probably the latter.

Here's the unicorn abandoner arriving at Heathrow Airport this morning.

These pictures of Xtina and Bat Boy Christmas shopping yesterday reminds me of a couple of things. First of all, don't ever get your haircut like this or you'll look like a rockabilly chola on the short bus. Also, Christmas is basically fucking here and I haven't bought shit! Eff the season of giving!

This past weekend I wasted so many hours trying to buy shit for people, but I suffer from this disease called extreme selfishness, so it's hard for me to purchase crap for others. I could have bought myself a ton of good shit, but I had to keep reminding myself about the task at hand. I basically gave up and decided to drink a few peppermintinis instead.

This is what's going to happen. Come Christmas day, my family will get a ton of gift bags (who wraps anymore?) with pictures of different items in them. I did that shit last year. For example: my sister will open a bag and pull out a picture of the Sex and the City box set with an attached note that says "It's coming!!!" One year I even made a fake coupon with the words "Valid for a $40 gift certificate to American Apparel" on it. My selfish lazy ass couldn't even go out and buy a stupid fucking gift certificate! I'm the worst of the worst.

Brit Brit is back behind the wheel of a working automobile! And no she isn't pretending to drive in her own garage! She's actually driving on the street. The paparazzi better start wearing full fucking body armor, because the pap-smearer is back on the road!

In Brit's propaganda video "Buy My Record," she weeps about how she misses driving, so it was nice of Daddy Spears to let her play big girl driver even though all our lives are at risk.

You can't tell from these pictures, but Daddy Spears attached a leash to the back of her car, so she doesn't go off too far. That shit is a little comforting.

And Brit needs new sunglasses. Those things belong on a cigar-smoking, child touching, pepaw flasher from the 70s. Not on our little Cheetoling.

The hot bitch behind Posh is saying it all with her face - I'm Not Obsessed

Poor Balthazar. Everybody fucking hates him - ICYDK

Leather-loving, cashmere-wearing, cow-eating Oprah is Peta's "Person of the Year." Makes sense - Celebitchy

Brenda Walsh still looks hot even though she has mental patient hair - Popbytes

WTF. Scrooge is a Woomanizah - SOW

I'd do 8 out of the 10 Worst Boyfriends/Husbands of 2008. Okay, I'd do all 10 - The Frisky

Is it gross that I actually like Gavin Rossdale's sweater? - Socialite Life

You'd love Hole in the Wall too if you were high on ze crack all the time - Holy Moly!

Guy Ritchie is quickly becoming the hardest-working gold digger in the game. Guy was just awarded a huge mountain of beautiful cash in his divorce settlement from Vadge, but that's still not enough for him! Guy is reportedly back on the hunt and may found his next bag of money! The London Telegraph says that Guy might be romancing millionairess Jemima Khan.

Jemima inherited mounds of money from her billionaire daddy when he went off to the after life. She married Pakistani cricket player Imran Khan in 1995 and popped out two of his kids. She divorced his ass in 2004. Since then, Jem (let's call her that) has dated Hugh Grant.

A source said that Guy and Jem have become really close. Earlier this month, the two showed up to Matthew Freud's (some pr-type) dinner party together in London. This past weekend, they were back at Matthew's house for his Christmas party.

Guy might be a gold digging genius. Now is the perfect time for him to find his next winning lottery ticket. Guy can easily play the "I don't need your money, I have my own" card on Jemima. I think I just jizzed in my pants at the thought of Guy's plan.

Or maybe Guy is with Jem because it's refreshing to stick your peen in a vagina that won't try to castrate you.

While some of you are considering sucking dick in a back alley way to pay your rent this month, Mary-Kate Olsen is skipping through department stores and having the greatest time ever!

Page Six claims the evil troll was in an elevator at Barney's and said this: "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales. That's where I got this! The recession!"

Not everyone is punching at their overdue bills or climbing down the fire escape to avoid the landlord!! Yes, take comfort in that fact while you're trying to make a hearty soup out of old shoes and ketchup packets.

It's kind of fucking funny in a "I'm going to cry" kind of way that the dumb troll looks hungry and homeless, yet she's one of the lucky ones who gets to take advantage of all these sales. SALES! Seriously, the sales are pretty good. Yesterday, I watched two grouchy memaws fight over some fugly ass scarf because it was like 75% off or some shit. They were screaming for the cops! It was kind of hot. Even if you can't afford to buy shit, you should still go to department stores just to watch all the dumb whores fight over the dumbest shit. It's free entertainment.

Nobody likes a sad little lesbian. When lesbians are sad, we're all sad. So this story about SamRo having a bad case of the sads, puts a frown on my face. Actually, I really have a frown on my face because it's Monday morning and I'm out of SANKA!!!!! Luckily, I have one coffee single and a Red Bull left. Mix those two together and problem solved!

The bitches at Life & Style say that friends of SamRo are worried about health, because on Saturday night she called all of them in a panic. One friend didn't really say why she called all worried-like, but they did say, "She was calling around. She knew she had done something wrong. She's been suffering from depression and from lack of food and sleep."

TMZ says that SamRo was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday. They say it wasn't life-threatening, but that she might have stayed overnight.

All this shit is so mysterious! What the hell really happened? Did she burn her tongue on HoHan's firecrotch? Wait. Maybe like everyone in Hollyweird, she's knocked up! That would make almost anyone depressed. Hey, it could happen! HoHan probably has a ton of stored-up jizz in her snatch area. So when she bumped ham wallets with SamRo, a rogue spermie jumped into SamRo's vagina and voila!

If that's not the case, then SamRo just needs to eat more coochie, tickle more coochie, hug more coochie, sleep on more coochie, smile on more coochie and laugh on more coochie. If she does all that, everything will be alright again!

We already know he's a little sick in the head (aren't we all), but author Ian Halperin also claims Jacko is sick in the body and may be going blind! Escandalo with an exclamation point!

Ian, who just finished writing a tell-all about Jacko, told InTouch (via Fox News) that Jacko is suffering from a possibly fatal lung disease called Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency. Ian also says Jacko has emphysema and gastrointestinal bleeding. Woe is Jacko! He's already suffering from an awful disorder called TurningIntoTeriHatcher-itis.

According to Ian, Jacko is pretty much blind in one eye and can barely speak words. Ian went on to say, “He needs a lung transplant but may be too weak to go through with it … [But] it’s the [gastrointestinal] bleeding that is the most problematic part. It could kill him.”

So let's just recap all that. Jacko can't breathe, can't speak, is going blind and is turning transparent! This is probably just an excuse for him to get breast implants to "help him breathe," get collagen in his lips to "help him speak again" and get blue eyes installed so "he can see again." It's the final steps in finally becoming the beautiful white woman of his dreams!

In all seriousness, if this shit is true, then this might be the reason he wears all those fancy masks. I thought it was to keep his silly puddy nose from falling off.

Jacko's fight is strong and funky and, so I'm sure he'll pull through all this shit....if it is true.

It's true what they say, if you eat too many McRib Sandwiches, they will go straight to your ass. - dosborn11

Runners-up:

Chicken Cutlet's new boy-toy, Ham Hocks. - TexnDoc

It was only a matter of time before Madonna had her naked pics "leaked". - moistiest

If you're eating a loaf of bread, don't click to see the NSFW version of this shit after the jump. JUMP!!!

Ron Holiday - Cat dancer, animal trainer, wig lover, eyebrow artist and overall hot piece. Ron was part of an act called Cat Dancers with his wife Joy Holiday, their lover Chuck Lizza and a bunch of big pussies. Ron is the subject of an HBO documentary called Cat Dancers which all of you should watch. It's worth it for Ron's wigs and outfits alone. Below is the trailer for that shit:

For Alicia