The head of the US border patrol says that the number of illegal immigrants caught at the border has recently dropped by 45 percent. Not surprisingly, he says this is mainly because Mexico is now empty.

A woman in Texas is suing a friend of hers because the friend now stars in porn movies and is using the other woman’s name. The Texas woman said, "I’m suing so I can restore honor to the good name of "Vagina Ginormous."

A new poll finds that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in United States history. Even worse, the poll was taken only among members of Cheney’s immediate family.


According to USA Today, Senator Hillary Clinton is on top of the latest presidential poll. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “That never happened while I was in the White House.”

Dear Reader(s)

I'm on vacation until July 12. If you need hilarity, I highly recommend "Flight of the Conchords," available on HBO and probably illegally on the internet.

President Bush announced today that the new White House budget director will be former congressman Jim Nussle, because Bush said, “His name commands respect on Capitol Hill.” Afterwards, Nussle told Bush, “I wish I could say the same for you.”

In a speech this week, Fidel Castro said that President Bush should realize that “The US will never have Cuba.” Then Castro said, “However, the U.S. will have thousands of Cubans.”

Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. Political experts say this explains why Giuliani’s aide couldn’t wait to get the Iowa Straw Polls.

A 71-year-old man recently became the oldest person to climb Mt. Everest. When he reached the top, the 71-year-old man immediately stuck his diaper on a flag pole and left.

A new study has found that 30 percent of Cubans are overweight. However the study found that being overweight helps the Cubans float to Miami.

In a new lawsuit, Michael Jackson is claiming that his brother Randy Jackson tried to steal millions of dollars from him. Apparently Randy did this by dressing up as sexy 12-year-old boy.

Yesterday Paris Hilton was released from jail early and officials claimed they were doing it for a “medical reason”. A jail spokesman said that the medical reason was that the guards were sick of listening to Paris whine.

Paris Hilton tried to testify by phone but the judge ordered her to show up in court. Apparently the judge said he didn’t want to talk to Paris on the phone because she kept asking him “What are you wearing?”

The governor of New Jersey John Corzine’s ex-girlfriend has given several long interviews in which she reveals embarrassing information about Corzine. It hasn’t hurt Corzine though, because people in New Jersey are grateful to finally have a governor who sleeps with women.

During the democratic presidential debate Hillary Clinton says her faith in God got her through her marital problems. In a related story, Bill Clinton says that his marriage to Hillary taught him that there is no God.

In St. Louis, the world’s oldest paperboy recently turned 102 years old. You can tell he’s 102, because this morning he delivered a paper announcing that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor.

Yesterday President Bush went to the Czech Republic and met with Czech President Vaclav Klaus. There was an awkward moment when Bush told Klaus, “Every year I write a letter to your dad, Santa.”