She once fired an aide for — among other issues — leaving a box of candy on her chair, said a source. Her No. 1 rule, the ex-aides say, is that aides can never walk in front of her.

According to her official House.Gov biography, she personally runs the House, Smithsonian, Library of Congress, “all federal elections” and the National Zoo. Piss her off, and she’ll have Butterstick’s head on a pike. She was so angry at somebody 2000 that she made Bush president, out of spite.

Always an Opening in This House Office [Washington Post]

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Last night, we learned that Rep. Loretta Sanchez quit the Congressional House Caucus because its chair called her a whore. This evening, an operative forwarded us this email from The Politico’s talented Josie Hearn to a number of her collegues.

Subject: Loretta Sanchez story
From: “Josephine Hearn”
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:24:40 -0500
To: [Redacted]

Hi all,

If you are working on a story about Loretta Sanchez and the CHC, please credit Politico.com for breaking the story.

Below I am including stories I have written over the past year on the CHC rift. They may be of use to you.

Thanks,
Josephine Hearn

Unfortunately, one of the recipients had already kinda broken the story too. Full, cranky email exchange, after the jump.

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Libby’s defense could be the dumbest we’ve ever heard. Today, an FBI agent testified to the effect that Scooter lied to her, repeatedly, about leaking Plame’s name to journos, repeatedly. This was the cross-examination:

During cross-examination, defense attorney Theodore V. Wells Jr. pressed Bond to acknowledge that Libby had said during his first FBI interview that he was very concerned that his memory was bad and he needed to review his notes to refresh it.

Christ, they oughtta use the “Scooter is too sociopathic to know the difference between right and wrong” defense, it’s way more believable.

FBI Agent: Libby Said He Was Surprised to Hear About Plame From Russert [WP]

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Poor and hungry families across the United States were ecstatic to learn about the Senate’s generous new minimum-wage decision today, because it could mean huge new paychecks of up to $290 (gross) per 40-hour work week! That’s $15,080 per year (gross)! But with no health insurance or 401k deductions to whittle away at the gross, many poor employees can hope for about $225 a week after tax and social security withholding. Better start learning about foie gras and getting fitted for Top Hats!

Republicans and businesses weren’t happy with the proposal until the Senate put in some badly needed corporate tax breaks. Now it’s up to the House to “sack up” and make sure their communist version of the law catches up with the Senate’s.

Two-thirds of U.S. states — including the big ones such as California and New York and Florida — already have minimum wage rates higher than the current federal minimum, which is a rich $5.15 per hour. So even after the federal minimum wage reaches the princely $7.25 sum in three years, it will really only help the very poor in hopeless backwaters such as Mississippi, Alabama and South Carolina.

Senate Votes to Boost Minimum Wage, Includes Tax Cuts [Bloomberg]

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• Start practicing your draft card burning now — troop surge may include 48,000 new soldiers. [DefenseTech]
• All the Oscars and Nobel prizes in the world can’t stop Al Gore from crying himself to sleep about the one that got away. [MoJo]
• Fuck it, nevermind: Limbaugh’s up for a Nobel too. [Think Progress]
• If you love Jesus, you hate Alexandra Pelosi. It just has to be that way. [Pandagon]
• Luckily, mom has access to some armor-plated transport. Because if there’s one thing about bible belts, it’s that they usually have guns on them. [Captain’s Quarters]
• Joe Biden is a racist marketing genius. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• Barack Obama’s so open minded he even hires staffers who maxed out their contributions to Bush in 2004. [The Politico]
• Judith Miller had to go to jail all by her lonesome thanks to… Jason Blair. [Radar]

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• The beginning is nigh. [Casual Catharcism]
• The end is nigh. [DCist]
• Join DC Drinking Liberally, the DNC and the New Organizing Institute for a happy hour tomorrow night. [DCDL]
• Prepare to be exterminated, pedestrian. The master has a plan for you. [DC sidewalk blog]
• “We need White People Month.” [A ‘Feel Good’ Production]
• Blogger bravely digs out a few other bright, clean and articulate African-Americans to tell the grand kids about. [The Latest Obsession]

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There have been three high-profile resignations from the mysterious and powerful East Wing this week, as Laura Bush’s reign of terror finally begins to take its unimaginable toll on the employees of the shadowy “other half” of the White House.

Today’s soon-to-be-disappeared employee is the most high-profile of them all: First Lady spokeswoman Susan Whitson, who’s leaving ostensibly to “start a family.” Paul Bedard reports:

Hers was the third major personnel announcement from the East Wing this week. The first lady earlier announced the hiring of a new pastry chef and the departure of social secretary Lea Berman and the hiring of her replacement.

Who’s next? The White House calligrapher?

Laura’s Loss: Spokeswoman Leaves [USN&WR]

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• Heard on the Hill: Joe Biden has a history of saying crazy, stupid stuff… Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) thrilled to be mentioned by the blog of Bon Appetit magazine… Harry Reid forgot when Valentine’s Day is! [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Geraldine Ferraro’s back! With some lobbying firm. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Would you like to read the insane ramblings of consistently-wrong pundit Dick “Hillary Is a Lesbian Vampire” Morris? Here they are, enjoy… Creative Coalition party sounds like a good time. Frank Luntz called himself “the ugliest person in this room.” … Jim Talent’s back! Eatin’ some pizza, talkin’ about god. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: Chuck Schumer has imaginary friends. They’re called the Baileys. Last year, they were called the O’Reillys. That’s “too ethnic,” apparently… Gerald Ford had way more nasty things to say about everyone that he didn’t want anyone to hear until he was dead. [The Hill]
• Shenanigans: The DCCC is $9 million in debt. Nancy Pelosi spent $30k on her Holiday Party! [Politico]
• Page Six: Bill Clinton doesn’t want to be president of your stupid university. [NYP]
• The Sleuth: More Ford stuff: NYDN reporter got Ford drunk. It has some terrible secret from 1974. [WP]

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Al Franken — who was funny once, we swear — has decided to lose the campaign for US Senator from Minnesota.

Franken announced the end of his radio show recently and has since been calling various Minnesota pols to warn them that he’s going to ruin their chances of picking up what could be an easy gain for the Democrats, if there was any chance in hell of the Minnesota DFL picking a viable candidate. At least he’s not a Humphrey, said Democratic observers.

Howard Mortman dragged out Tom Shales’ SNL book and found this choice Franken quote:

“But I only did cocaine to stay awake to make sure nobody else did too much cocaine. That was the only reason I ever did it. Heh-heh.”

That’ll play well in Minnesota. You can’t even buy wine in supermarkets out there, for chrissakes.

Franken Sense [Extreme Mortman]
Franken Saying He’ll Run for Senate [Strib]

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• The Fake Accents and The Jet Age at the Black Cat. $5 at 9PM. [Black Cat]
• The Shining at AFI. $9.50 at 9:25PM. [AFI]
• Local artist Ming-Yi Sung has a show with a few crocheted crotches at the Nevin Kelly Gallery at 15th and U. Free until 8PM. [WP]

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In case you missed it this afternoon, here’s the Boston LiteBrite Scare press conference.

“Have they been advised to act like they’re not taking this seriously?”

As much as we hate white dudes with dreadlocks, artists, and guerrilla marketers, we’re becoming fans of these guys. Probably because we’ll always hate TV journalists more.

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Did you know a Prayer Breakfast is like Advil & Coffee for your soul?

Here’s Laura, George, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver of Missouri trying to eat some hotcakes while the Good Doctor Francis Collins gets busy with the Jesus songs. Today’s National Prayer Breakfast was the best ever!

Bulgaria’s Defense Minister takes part in National Prayer Breakfast in Washington [Sofia News Agency]

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Thank our American God the law is coming down hard on these two terrorists. The men were hired by the “Time Warner” company to leave little cartoon things around Boston, which caused a complete shutdown of the once proud city.

Other sinister men left the same comical things all over other, smarter U.S. cities … weeks ago … where they went unnoticed. Meet the new face of evil, after the jump.

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Here was another fun tidbit from the end of the yesterday episode of Scooter Libbypalooza:

Defense lawyers said Wednesday they had subpoenaed Jill Abramson, the managing editor of The Times, to appear as a witness.

Which oughtta be great fun! Jill vs. Judy has always made for fine print. What did Abramson regret about the Times handling of the Miller situation? “The entire thing.” Furthermore, Miller repeated her line on the stand yesterday about how the Times just wasn’t interested in her hot Valerie Plame scoop. Last year, of course:

Ms. Abramson, the Washington bureau chief at the time, said Ms. Miller never made any such recommendation.

After they call Abramson they should call Chris Matthews and Tim Russert to talk shit about each other. They’re under oath, they have to!

Former Times Reporter Testimony Is Challenged [NYT]

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Pictured: Henry Kissinger’s HotSoup.com profile. Online now!

Henry Kissinger testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee yesterday, and by Dana Milbank’s account, it was a bravura performance. Kissinger managed to suggest that Bush had a secret plan to end the war, and then he convinced all the Senators that he agreed with everything they were saying. That lovable old (inaudible) is just as wily as ever and he’ll apparently be with us fucking everything up for another hundred years!

Zombie Kissinger assured Sens. Obama, Biden, Lugar, Feingold, Coleman, Menendez, and Isakson that Bush’s plan was totally “not incompatible” with their objectives, and no one even had to care what the plan or the objectives were.

The secretary’s agreeability had a calming effect. “I think what I’m seeing here is someone testifying and almost everyone on this committee agreeing,” observed Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.). “It’s an interesting thing to watch.”

Kissinger then softly sung the committee to sleep with his soothing baritone. Now whenever he says “jackpot” Senator Boxer clucks like a chicken — it’s fun!

Wherever a Senator’s Question Leads, Kissinger Gamely Follows [WP]

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Who could hate that face???

The prosecution in the Scooter Libby trial yesterday presented a little note of advice from Mary Matalin to Scooter from back in the day, advising him on how to discredit Joe Wilson. She recommended calling Tim Russert, who’d be sympathetic to Libby’s complaint that Russert’s fellow NBC employee Chris Matthews was unfairly criticizing the Vice President. Because, well, here’s how Matalin put it:

“Call Tim. He hates Chris — he needs to know it all.”

Of all the beautiful gifts this trial has given us — Judy Miller unemployed, Team Bush and Team Cheney at each other’s throats, the glorious return of Ari Fleischer — this might be our favorite. Tim Russert hates Chris Matthews. Why? Because Matthews is louder? Is his head even bigger? Has anyone measured?

Or does Russert just hate the Irish? We’re leaning toward that one.

Everyone Hates Chris [Swampland]

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• Some of America’s richest assholes heard President Bush mention “income inequality” for the first time, ever. [WP]
• Most farmers missed the speech, however; as they were too busy yelling at the crew of immigrants who act like they’ve never polished a gold toilet seat before. [WP, NYT]
• High-living funnyman Matt Cooper confirmed what he knew about Valerie Plame from Scooter on the way back from the Country Club. [WP, LAT]
• Joe Biden trips over his sword, impales himself on a blade of blather. [WP, NYT]
• Alberto Gonzalez will, grudgingly, share his secret court order toys. [WP, NYT]
• At least there’ll be a change of scenery - next war for energy security likely in Brazil, “the Saudi Arabia of ethanol.” [WSJ]
• Mary Cheney’s baby is not a propaganda tool — she told an audience of media people gathered for a magazine event in Manhattan. [NYT]

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Molly Ivins died today in Austin after her cancer came back again, making the Texas columnist the second nationally-syndicated American humorist to die this month. (Art Buchwald died two weeks ago. For you kids who only use newspapers as masturbation rap-metal aides on the MySpace, both of these people wrote “columns” for “old people” to “read.”)

The obvious question is Which National Humor Columnist Will Die Next? This is an uncomfortable subject, of course, but journalism often requires the asking of the hard questions so our democracy is better served. Let’s run down the list, after the jump.

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